Author: Liljumper

I recently thought last night, if I am so concerned about being efficient, when will I actually live?

I spend so much time trying to make my day as efficient as possible, so that what? I can spend the time making the next day as efficient as possible with lists?

Where am I going that I need to be so damned efficient? To where am I running towards? Society seems to pride efficiency and hard work, but where do we go next? What does our hard work buy? Does it buy us a good life, a promise land where we don’t have to work as hard? Would I even know how to do that?

These are all some pretty big questions.

How do I answer them? How does anyone answer them?

Maybe I have this idea that all this hard work and efficiency will pay off and land me somewhere, somewhere where my life is perfect and I don’t have to be so efficient. I’m slowly realizing that that is mostly an illusion. First off, what would that look like and, secondly, how would I know when I reached it?

So realizing that a basic life idea I had was mostly wrong, I realized, well uh oh, where am I heading towards then? In reality, my hard work buys me peace of mind.

But then I have to ask myself, if I didn’t think I had to be like this, would my personality be vastly different? More relaxed, more chill, like my friends who I wish I could emulate. If I didn’t have to be so efficient, would I be? Could I even go back to a time before?

For the most part I’ve just accepted this about myself, that I am a type A person who needs a plan, control, and a list. What if I wasn’t supposed to be like this? Could I have even gotten so far if it wasn’t my nature?

This post is more questions than answers.

Sometimes I think I take my life too seriously. I hear about people who do things during the weekend, and I think, why can’t I? Is it because I spent the week working myself up into a flurry, feeling guilty for not doing more work, then doing the work and spending the weekend relaxing from the anxiety of the week? Maybe.

I was actually asked today if I actually study. Yes, by another student as well. And while her answer was no, mine was, ‘well actually yes’.

I’m not sure I ever had one of those crazy college experiences. Well I can tell you I definitely didn’t, especially in the conventional sense. Additionally, now I don’t either.

Am I burnt out? Probably, well, actually most definitely. All of this is quite awkward, being as I can’t actually be burnt out because I am still in school. So it’s somewhat of a tug of war between me and my inner sloth.

What would I do if I didn’t study? Have fun? Preposterous.

Lately I’ve been trying to do better, to go eat with friends more, to host more things, to do more activities, to rouse my inner lazy sloth (I have many sloth personas). Wednesday night, the end of my work week most weeks, does not meet going to a bar that night or go dancing. It means going to Zumba and then sleeping because I try to make Thursday as productive as possible. Thursday and Sunday are really productive days usually for me. But usually I don’t need more than that for the weekend. I can get my work done, well actually in one day if I push, but two in a more comfortable style. Last weekend I did all my work on Sunday I needed to do while not doing work till after lunch. And then Monday I just did work to get ahead, because I am always planning ahead.

What does this tell you about me? That I’m a planning freak who works too much and doesn’t know how to have fun? Perhaps. I realize that to the modern day society where efficiency is the rage all of these qualities are good and disciplined, but what about the society that privileges the carpe diem, YOLO, lifestyle? Whatever happens will happen.

I’m trying to let loose (a little).

I guess this relates a lot to my last post.

I love reading, and I have made this my career/studies. It takes a toll on me, because I used to read in my spare time and it was relaxing. Whereas, I’ve made my hobby something professional and it has taken away some of the joy. I still love bookstores and reading, I haven’t stopped, but it just takes me a little more time to get into a book. It has to be a very different style from what I’m reading for school to be a real relaxation.

But in another sense, I’ve started doing other things as well. I am currently playing a cooperative cooking/time management game when we both have time. It’s really fun to play a cooperative game that we both enjoy, that is challenging and an activity together.

I feel guilty sometimes when I am playing, because I could be reading for fun and ‘expanding’ my mind in that way, but choose to play games that don’t really expand my mind.

I tell myself that it’s for fun. But there’s still a part of me that thinks, what purpose does this serve? That part of me wonders, you should devote more time to reading for fun.

But I guess there’s been a large element of fun that has been changed or eliminated. It doesn’t have the same ring anymore.

And that’s okay. Things in life change, hobbies, interests. And it’s okay, or it should be, to acknowledge that and move, to change.

I can’t say I won’t play the game anymore, because I will.

I guess the real challenge isn’t reading more, sometimes I think it is, the real challenge is quite the opposite.

I have to be alright with not reading more. It’s not about doing something more, it’s about accepting that not everything has to ‘expand’ my mind, or be productive, or move me towards another end.

As every Sims play knows, even a Sim has to have a little fun to ward off insanity.

I’m just past the year anniversary for my graduation and I can’t believe it has been a year. In some ways it feels like it has been no time at all, and in some ways it feels like it has been longer than that.

In a year, I’ve moved continents and am doing my Master’s here. In that way, it feels like not that much. Those are pretty major developments, I think. I never imagined myself being here or doing the things I do everyday, but here I am. In this aspect, I feel like, ‘wow, it’s been a year’.  I”m also almost done with getting my TEFL certification as well.

Yet at the same time, sometime I feel so stagnated, like I should be doing more with my time. In those moments, I still feel like, ‘wow it’s been a year’ but in a less positive way. I still feel like there’s so many things I should be doing.

I guess what to take from this anniversary is a recognition of my progress. Whatever I may have wanted to accomplish, I can’t change what I have accomplished and it is something. I may have wanted to do more, but I can always move towards more things. I am living a life that is drastically different than I thought I ever would be.

I should take it in stride and use it as motivation to become better and do more.

So that next year, I can say, ‘wow it’s been two years’. Although, to be honest, it will always be a mix of pride and disappointment. It’s not long lasting disappointment, but there are many moments when we could do more. It’s about personal growth, learning to accept that there may be some moments where we could do more, but that we didn’t, and that’s okay.

So while I know next year I will feel like this again, I guess my only true goal is to have more personal growth, to be okay with failures, purposelessness, and the time I need to find the path.

I am not one to diet. It’s a combination of multiple reasons. For one, I really enjoy eating savory dishes as well as making deserts to share.

Do I have the will power to just make them and not eat them? Yes, but I want to be able to eat a piece of my delicious chocolate torte.

If I truly believed in the necessity of my diet, then I think I could do it, but I don’t. I don’t believe in limiting myself or not eating certain things at this moment.

Another reason is that, healthwise, I don’t need to. I don’t have diabetes, or high blood sugar, etc. I am relatively healthy and as long as that is the case, I don’t see a reason to change. While I can live diet free, I would like to do so.

I want to be able to have my cake and eat it too.

I have eaten an egg custard bun I made myself almost every evening.

Some might argue that’s excessive or too much. But I spent hours making them, I know exactly what is in them. I don’t go out and buy them and get instant gratification and eating ability. I need to make them, and steam them, and freeze them. It’s a whole process that I take the time out of my week to do for myself.

Someone once told me that, in moderation, you could eat anything you wanted as long as you made it yourself. I could do that. I mostly do that. I don’t eat hamburgers and fries everyday, because I wouldn’t want to make that everyday. I like salads, and steaks, and peppers. I like a healthy variety, I love chick peas and curries. I like salads and vegetables. I like trying to find every color for my salads. I like making my own things, my own face lotions, my own salad dressing, my own dumplings.

It naturally sorts itself out in moderation because I don’t have the time to make custard bungs everyday, I need to ration them out before the next moment I can make them. It’s like a control on how much I eat by how much I’m willing to make. And so far, it’s working.

This is what I originally wanted to write the last post about, but it kind of ran away from me there, so I thought I would write this one.

I was listening to the radio and I heard this song about a man praising this woman’s beauty. And for a bit I thought, okay it’s getting a bit old, we understand that you think she’s gorgeous, but what about the rest of her? Not to mention that I didn’t feel the descriptions where very flattering or the comparisons for that matter.

But it made me think about all these new romance songs that don’t seem to have anything to do with what I would find romantic. I listen to them on the radio, and think is this what is supposed to be romantic?

Am I supposed to think, oh another song about how pretty I am, how sweet?I can’t even think of the last song I remember that didn’t focus, if not primarily, but secondarily, about the physical.

Because of all the things I think about myself, I would say I pride many things above beauty. Not to mention that if this woman doesn’t like this guy, than the song is a weird glorified stalker anthem.

But to make the radio, it clearly has to be new and on trend. So who am I to say?

Needless to say, if someone were to write a song about me, I would be expecting a bit more than a description of how they feel about my body when they see me. How high maintenance…

I don’t think I ask for a lot in terms of romance. I’m not one of those people who wants jewelry or elaborate gifts on anniversaries. I like a well thought out planned in advance gift. Something that they think I will enjoy, that I may have talked about. I would say I am a romantic, but perhaps not a very materialistic one. I love keeping momentos around, notes in the morning, cards from years ago, wrapping paper. I love to surround myself with pieces of love.

And also, as a side note, this isn’t a post to hint about presents or what not for an anniversary!

I like things like a romantic evening that is modeled after a first meeting, or a scrapbook of things from the year. I like small tasty gestures. I don’t care about going to the fanciest place and getting the most expensive earrings. I like a sophisticated simplicity. I don’t feel like I settle for any of these things.

In the past, I haven’t have much experience with romantic gifts or romance. I don’t remember a lot of dates I had in my last relationship, or any gifts at all. To me, romantic gestures throughout the year are the more meaningful, not just an annual trinket. But because I didn’t get a lot of that typical romantic experience when I was younger, I wonder how much of my views are whether I really want it or just have lowered my expectations.

I’m by no means unhappy, but it’s a food for thought kind of thing.

But because I am a romantic, I do like the whole getting ready for the date, making sure everything is perfect, the total experience, not a price tag. I guess it doesn’t help that I love wrapping presents.

I just wonder if there is somewhere deep inside a little fragment of me that would like one of those beautiful romantic gestures. I know that for every person it’s different and for every couple and what I have now is enough for me. But I used to really desire those type of things, and never getting them sort of dulled that down.

I am definitely not unhappy, but just thinking about how I have changed as a person from the last relationship to this.

An interesting thought experiment.

I was recently hiking around the mountains here and thought about the first people to create the path I was walking.

It wound through a gorge, up a mountain, and down the other bank. It involved gravel, paths, steps, and wires. Even more than the sheer fact of having to bring all those supplies up the mountain and then put them up, the people who had to carve these paths.

How did they do it? How did they know where to put the paths?

I can’t even imagine how it would have looked before the paths, maybe like an impenetrable wildness.

I would have been terrified, I’m one of those people who likes the certainty of a path. And not having one, would have been terrifying enough, having to build my own?

I could get behind having to build my own, it would take time, but if I had time and needed to, I could see myself doing one. But that is more because of a necessity, not an explorer spirit, or a desire to go off the path and see where it takes me.

And maybe this reflects certain things about my personality, a desire for order and defined lines and boundaries. A preference for a plan. An established order of things needed and the chain of events that should be followed. Perhaps I’m not a flexible person, well I bet I’m not.

But there needs to be people in this world who are not me, those who have the courage and compulsion to build these paths.

I believe I can be an innovative thinker and make a path if I want to and need to, but it doesn’t stem from a compulsion.

But it begs me to ask the question, what other paths am I afraid to step off of, real, imaginary, or mental? And can I change? Do I want to? I have faith in myself, that if I need to or want to, I can summon the strength to step away.

I am sort of a clumsy person, I injured myself while peeling something and then the next day burnt myself steaming dumplings…and this wasn’t a fluke. It happens quite a lot.

Because of this, I look down while walking a lot, to make sure I am not going to trip over something. This does not have the advantage of being able to avoid running people or umbrellas, so it already has its flaws.

I am torn between looking forward and down in order to not bump into people or fall on the ground, and now I have a new one! I have been looking up a lot to avoid spiders.

I don’t want them to fall on my head.

I’m sure all of these directions seem quite stupid, who really is as clumsy and cares about spiders? Yeah, me.

But the other day when I was running through the parking garage to avoid spiders dropping on my head, I thought of something.

I never used to think about spiders above me, and still none dropped on my head. It has just been some recent worry of mine that has taken over.

But I can’t keep walking around looking for the next source of danger, because I won’t find it. It will most likely find me when I’m not expecting it. And no amount of avoiding parking buildings, or looking up will protect me from it. And that’s just the way of life.

I can’t keep looking out for the next danger because I don’t know what it will be. I’m not saying I won’t walk around thinking about it, because I will. But I’m missing all the things in front of me and around me when I’m worried about these types of things.

So while I wish I could say I wouldn’t care anymore and just keep my eyes ahead of me, I will be better at balancing where I look from now on.

For the most part, I feel as if I don’t have a clear purpose now. I’m not talking about a grand purpose like changing the world or curing the world of something, but any purpose.

I’m in a lingo state where I’m not sure where I’ve landed, where to go from now on, and what will guide my compass. What will be the guiding force and purpose in my life? That’s something I think about a lot.

When I was in university it used to have to deal with sweatshops and feminism, and now I’m not sure. I’m not content to have my life purpose revolve only around someone else.

But I want to feel like I have a purpose again. Something where I get up and think, that’s what this is for. Even if it’s long and, sometimes, hopeless, just a guiding force.

But I guess that’s also a part of growing up, figuring that out. Finding the path my feet should be on. Knowing what makes my heart sing, what I can’t live without doing. I want to be useful. I want the things I do to matter to others, to make a difference. I don’t want my actions to just for me. So in that sense, I do have a vague idea of where I’m going, I just want to narrow that down a little.

I don’t really have that many things to say in this, but just a general feeling of purposeless. But I am trying to slowly integrate more things into my life that might give my life a direction. When I get a job, I think this will settle down a little, but until then, I want to move towards finding a purpose, like the activism I did in college.

It’s hard to get back into the groove and to motivate myself sometimes, but I know I will find my way. I just need to tell myself that everyday and give myself the time and room to find the path.