Month: June 2017

So I kind of got a freelance job where I can work remotely. At the moment it’s just one project, so it’s not much, but it is a confidence booster and a source of income. It gives me a purpose in my days, instead of just drowning all my time in book blogging activities.

So that’s an update right? I am hoping it will lead to more things, more opportunities, and be a good source of experience. That’s my only news.

I hope everything is good with you.

Oh it is so hot here and without air conditioners I feel low-key like I am melting. My brain is on the floor right now. Can’t even scoop it out.

My milanos are melting in their package. It’s wild.

So I’ve basically been spending half my days in frenzied productivity mode, or the other half in a somewhat sad state. This is so there is some balance and so I attempt to work through my sadness and fear of the future. It isn’t the most fun way to spend my day, but it gets the job done and it’s been alright for the past couple days.

All of it just leaves me feeling very tired. I find that when I am super sad, I am also very tired. Like: I don’t want to deal with things because I’m tired of coping and stress. So it results in me wanting to sleep all the time or just feeling guilty about being tired.

Meditating progress is not going as well since I use my phone to meditate and it has been having some problems so the app won’t update and it keeps dying.

I am working on fixing that this weekend though, so there’s hopes for that.

And the heat is absolutely bogging me down. I don’t want to move around or do yoga or exercise. So I haven’t sorted out yet what to do with that.

 

I cannot even believe it’s been one year since the shooting in Munich. It didn’t really occur to us that it was happening until we walked by the train stop. I knew it would happen this summer, but I didn’t remember the exact day, a privilege only those who did not lose loved ones that day feel.

It seems like it’s been so long and so many things have happened. I’ve gotten married, gone on a honeymoon, got an internship. My life, still here, has changed in so many unseeable ways. I feel so different than a year ago, older, and more weathered. In some ways the feelings of sadness has brought me back to how I was when I first moved here, but it’s hard to forget all I’ve done since then.

I still remember the day. Not every detail, but most of them – the fear, the uncertainty, the anticipation. I remember the next day on the train. And I relive just a fraction, that same hitch of breath, the waiting pause, every time I heard loud noises like that. Just the other night a band in the park was playing and might have released confetti or fireworks and it brought me right back. There was silence afterwards, and J and I were both worried.

It’s in these subtle changes, the heightened sense of self when I walk through the mall, where I feel the effect of the days in between. The strain of fear, turning down my music and hurrying to where I need to go.

I know we have it so good. We were so close to being there. But it still makes me remember all that’s changed.

Well I made plans to visit home, so that helps by giving me a little rock to tether this out of control ship to. It gives me some goals, a milestone. And clear goals. One of the problems was that, for my blog, I had too many vague goals. I kept pushing them back, because success was the goal. So it was never enough work, never enough time.

It got to the point where I was trying to squeeze every minute out of my day for productivity. I was, and somewhat am recovering from, a very bad mental state. I was constantly irritable, sad under the surface, and more.

Something that has really helped is meditation, forcing myself to play, and walking outside with an audiobook. That way it manages the constant guilt I have when I take time away from work, and it still gets me out of the house and moving.

I want to work into my life, flossing regularly, and exercising. Pilates and yoga in the morning. My ideal day would be not working until I’ve had breakfast. Then working until just before lunch when I work out, shower, and eat lunch. Then I would go on a walk with my audiobook, come hope and work until dinner time. Then after dinner would be all play time.

It’s an ideal dream…I am aware. And I’m way off base for it. My sleeping schedule has gone all sorts of weird and I am someone who needs a lot of sleep and regularly. When I am jetlagged I actually get the best sleep.

So that’s just some of the ideas I have for my life.

Sorry for the lack of posts, I’ve been going through a rough patch here. Not only have I been swamped with work, I’ve realized that the work was merely a coping mechanism so I didn’t have to deal with my depression and uncertainty about the future.

So now I’m taking a mental health kick where I’m meditating more, taking my vitamins, sleeping better, and what not. It’s been a while coming, and this whole thing  has taken me months, but I hope to be back to tip top shape before the end of the year.

Only when I’m feeling better as a human can I begin to contemplate the future without breaking down into a puddle. So yeah. That’s where I’ve been.