Month: July 2015

I have never had fantastic posture, I spend a lot of my time feeling tense and unconsciously having my shoulders higher than desired, but I have been making a constant effort to improve my posture.

I always feel a little pompous walking like that, but it’s about owning the space you have. I was ashamed of the space I was taking up, thinking it was too much space, not wanting to intrude, subconsciously wanting to shrink into myself.

It’s been partly a mental battle to take back the space. To expand, not to shrink. To use the space, to own up to the space I take. I can stand out, it’s not bad. I used to think standing out in that way was dangerous. It seemed outrageous, outgoing, and dangerous, to be noticed and in the spotlight. I envied women who walked around confident, and it was something I didn’t posses.

But I am trying, consciously deciding to expand into the space, walk with confidence, with my shoulders back, my eyes upwards from the ground, and to grow into the space I occupy.

I also notice that a lot of people don’t have that great posture. Did slouching become cool? Maybe so, but there is a definite mental confidence dimension as well.

And I’m trying to learn, to appreciate the person I am and have my walk reflect that.

I love quaint small towns where you can walk to a city center, the buildings are old, and things are within walking distance. There’s something just so charming.

It’s almost as if there’s a small patch of society untouched by large stores, retailers, consumers. Untainted. I know it’s totally idealistic to want this, and I could never survive, or not easily survive, without the large retail stores and chains, but there’s something just so charming and nostalgic about the smaller towns.

I never lived in a town like that, I always needed a car to get around, and stores were grouped up, so that people could get their shopping down. There were smaller towns around, but I never spent a lot of time there or lived there.

And I’m sure if I lived there, it would get old, but I guess there’s something I enjoy about that. Maybe it’s because I really liked the town from Gilmore Girls? Or because I never liked living in large cities?

For whatever reason, seeing them all around in the UK was cute and refreshing…until it got old (as all things you wish for and then get, don’t they?) when I couldn’t find what I needed, when we were always late and never around when the shops closed at 5pm.

But I don’t want to write a post about fulfilling wishes, I want to write about that beautiful image in my mind, almost like a faded photograph of the past I can think of fondly, without ever truly living there and having the illusion tarnished.

I am a naturally very fearful person I think. And I thought it might be fun to go into some of my fears here and where they come from.

I watched Psycho for a music and film class, awesome class, but it did freak me out. At first I didn’t think it made any impact on me, but then I noticed really feeling uneasy when I couldn’t see out of my shower, and then showering with some of the curtain open, because I was just worried and always checking, even in my own home, and even today. This wasn’t only from the movie, for some reason, I remember this from forever, that’s part of the reason I like clear shower curtains, but it’s always been there on some level for me. So I guess I’m not sure exactly where this fear comes from, on a surface level maybe that film, but there does seem to be a deeper level.

Another fear I have is public bathrooms. I know exactly where this is from. When I was over at a sleepover, there were a ton of us and they all wanted to watch Silent Hill. I hate horror movies and thrillers, so much. So I basically watched the whole film through the gaps between my fingers, but even that, it was enough. I hate even talking about which part of the film specifically, but if you’ve seen it, you will know! This is to the point where certain restaurants I’ve been to is worse, especially if it’s well lit, and I need someone to come with me, not inside, just to wait for me, so I know there will be someone who will notice if I disappear and to be there after the fear and anxiety I feel inside, who will instantly comfort me. I know it seems crazy and when we’re in public and people see us, I know they think something weird or find it strange, but it’s now a requirement for me if I know we’re going to that place, to be able to count on having someone there. That helps a lot.

But this is one fear that I distinctly remember where it came from. I also can’t seem to shake either of these.

Oh, I am also afraid someone is going to break into my apartment when I’m sleeping, which isn’t even that far out of reality because it actually happened, even when I put that chain across the door!

So feeling safe to shower and sleep is a huge anxiety triggering feeling for me….I also believe I am naturally a very anxious person.

It’s not easy sometimes, but I’ve dealt with it, and besides these and maybe spiders, that’s about it, or walking home alone in the dark, oh wait that serial killer/person waiting in my apartment when I’m alone in the apartment fear is there too….I have a bunch of strange fears.

 

For a while I had about three blogs. I was separating my different pursuits, such as beauty related things and then my more political rant type of things and this has just broken down. I don’t even post on the other two, only this one.

For many reasons, for the non-beauty blog, I just decided to post the type of things I was thinking about here and say, c’est la vie. In real life you can’t separate that aspect of my personality from this, so why should I in real life? Especially since becoming a ‘blogger’ has never been one of my career type of ideas.

Also this blog shouldn’t even show up if people google it, so it’s my personal blog.

As for the beauty one, which is a huge passion of mine, I was just getting a lot of spam comments. I know it takes time to gain readers, and to a degree, you need to post about things that are popular, and I just don’t. For reviews of things that are bought here, the reviews are in German, which is fine for me, but that’s where the main draw I think is, and for the English stuff, or US based stuff, I don’t have enough access to new things to be on the trend or what not. Plus I don’t even have a handle on what I am doing for many reasons. I would love to experiment with it because I do enjoy it a lot, for myself, and that’s fine. It doesn’t have to be something I write about, I can just share my knowledge, tips, and ideas with my friends.

I’ve more or less let go of all of these side projects except this one, where I have actual people reading what I publish, and where I feel a sense of need to be consistent.

Which is all a good thing, it’s a good thing to continue to remain motivated, if I had this on my other blogs, I know I would pursue it, but for the moment, there just isn’t any of that. It made me sad a bit, but I’ve more or less accepted it.

I don’t consider myself a very lazy person. If there are things that need to be done, I get them done. For example, for the majority, all my blog posts are prescheduled, and I usually write posts about once a week.

But this is totally different.

In the summer I just can’t focus, it’s not even because of the ‘summer’ mentality where I just want to lie around. I wouldn’t mind that, but I just can’t work in this heat. I only have a very small list of things that I need to do during the day, because the motivation just isn’t there for more than that. It’s so darn hot, today it’s around 90 degrees, and without a good ventilation system or an air conditioner, it’s been a struggle.

I’m not used to it, and it’s really affecting my productivity. It’s affecting all aspects of my life. I am sleeping outside because it is way too hot outside, and I always wake up really early due to the sunshine and the heat, so my sleep is disturbed (also throughout the night since it’s loud and not always completely dark). I never want to eat hot food or even cook because it produces so much heat that is just really hard to filter out of the apartment once it’s in. If I open the hall door and the front door and balcony door then I can get a breeze going, IF there’s one.

I am not cut out for  the heat. Which is totally true, because the heat is my least favorite temperature. Additionally summer is my least favorite season, because of the heat. If it never went above 25 during the day then I would enjoy it, but it’s rows of days like today that I just can’t. I also hate sweating! It makes me feel grimy and what not.

So to say the least, productivity is down, which isn’t good in general, but especially not when I have a paper due August 10….It’s a real struggle. I’ve done most of my work for the day, but for the next hour, I am going to work on doing blog posts.

Wish me luck.

I am usually a very neat person, in the sense that all my piles will have a purpose and reason in my own head. So I wouldn’t say I am a neat freak. But I would say that I really love, need, adore?, my plans.

I’m talking about to do lists, and day plans. I ask everyday, “what’s your plan for the day?” And it helps me organize myself if I know when I’ll be eating, when I need to work, and when it’s play time. It’s how I make sense of what I’m doing and stay sane. I like to plan when I’m working, so that I also get a sense of when it’s time to play and explore.

For me, as well, knowing when and what I’m going to eat next is a huge deal for me. It’s okay when I’m home and know I’m exposed to food, but when I’m on the road or what not, it makes me very nervous, more than that, it desettles me completely. I have a lot of stress thinking about needing to plan to have food as well as being uncertain when I can have it.

It wouldn’t be so bad if I were on my own, but on my recent trip, this lack of knowledge about plans, and especially food, drove me crazy. I spent so much money on food, just because I basically had to pack around food everyday that I could eat, in case we wouldn’t eat lunch (which happened twice), and I always had to plan tons of snacks and food. It was stressful and exhausting as well as wasteful in terms of food and money. I had to give some of it away because I just couldn’t finish it all some days and without fridges, it would go bad.

It drove me crazy, in a totally horrible way.

Whenever I’m left to sleep here alone in the apartment, my night fears come to play. Usually I can manage it because in my apartment I normally feel safe and secure. It’s a like a big comforting blanket holding me close and suffocating all my fears. But when I’m here alone, there’s no blanket and I’m exposed.

I am naturally a very fearful person, I don’t like walking alone in a stair well to get the laundry, or home at night from the train station. It doesn’t help that certain experiences have primed me to feel more fear than probably necessary, or that society creates some of these fears. It also doesn’t help that the things I enjoy to watch, that fascinate me, play into these fears. I don’t watch horror films, or what not, but I do enjoy watching things that have to do with the supernatural, and this doesn’t help when the blanket is off, and I’m exposed.

So what am I even afraid of? Am I afraid of seeing ghosts? Nope. I’m afraid someone will break in through the balcony, or the front door, or that they’ve been waiting in my apartment all day only to pounce at night when I’m sleeping. They might seem totally crazy, and to some extent as I fall asleep I know they are, but they have kept me up until 2 or 3 in the morning. Because isn’t the thing about fears? No matter how absurd they seem, there’s something you just can’t shake about them. Is it because on the off chance they happen, and they are that absurd, that it would be that crazy? Because if they happen, it will be the anomaly and that is also pretty terrifying.

Maybe I am just an anxious prone person, to some degree I think I might be, but these night terrors that are unleashed as soon as the sun goes down don’t help at all.

I totally wished I could have been a red head, a beautiful curly haired red head. And then I grew up, realized not only that I couldn’t, but that it wouldn’t look good.

I was talking to my friends about what we did to our hair when we were younger, and they were saying they really wanted the pin straight hair and tanned skin.

And this just cemented this idea to me that: we always want what we can’t have, don’t we?

Now they’ve accepted their hair, but it was hard and a journey.

It is a journey to go against the mainstream culture and the media’s image of beauty. I guess for me this wasn’t so much of a problem because no matter what I did, I could never be what that image was and I resigned myself to that. I could never change my skin and tan was only in style during summer.

But for those who were closer to that, there was a sense that if only x were different than they could be that image. I don’t know which is worse, but I feel like they had it harder. I never tried to perm my hair, I did dye it. I saw it as unattainable and moved on. The obsession with red curly hair died first with the acceptance of straight hair, and then with the acceptance of black hair.

But I thought I would just write here my school hood dream for kicks.

On my recent trip to England I purchased a selfie stick. For those who are not aware of what it is, it is a very stereotypically Asian tourist device, and it allows the person to extend the reach of their arm via an expandable stick which has a phone at one end for them to take photos of themselves versus the conventional selfie (self portrait picture).

First off, let me preface this by saying I am very pleased with the differences in photo quality. It has allowed me to get the actual scenery that surround me in the picture and it is a great asset to have when traveling alone and without people to take photos.

But the selfie stick is somewhat stigmatized and so I felt very conflicted about buying it. I knew it would make me look super touristy, but also ostracized from my friends. I’m not sure how ‘cool’ selfies are.

I asked my friends before buying it, and they said they wouldn’t talk to me in public or acknowledge me in public with it. I knew they were joking, but it was still telling of the public disgrace and shame it would bring on me.

But nonetheless I bought it.

But why? I wanted one forever and I let what people think of me and what it would mean stop me from buying it.

But what it came down to was: I bought it because it made me happy and I realized that that is the only reason I need.

This really touched me because I went against what I thought I should do and listened to my heart and I am so glad I did.

I don’t usually do this, I care a lot, too much, about what people think about me, and my general image. I know I shouldn’t, but these are the thoughts that go through my mind. I didn’t used to, but somewhere along the way, I picked up this care about what people thought about me.

Well, perhaps this is change.

I have been recently having problems with the newsletter. I post new posts every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, but I’ve just checked and an email hasn’t been sent out since July 3. So this is a test of sort with a new template to see if it works. If you’ve missed out recently on posts, this would be a good reminder to check in to the site and see the posts you’ve missed! Sorry for any problems, I’m working on it!