Month: December 2015

A few weeks ago I was at a game afternoon and I felt personally attacked. The game, not really important, relies on math, but also on having a very in depth knowledge of the game (there is a over 100 page rulebook for starters). Having never played the game, that alone presents a huge challenge. Having never played the game, not knowing the terms presents another huge challenge. While passionate about playing ‘correctly’ I have read many pages of this book, more than I should have, because a lot of it is very jargon heavy. If you skip a chapter because you have a paper to do or just no interest in reading 30 pages about a character you never want to be, you could miss a term you never even heard about and can’t figure out how to define. Even the internet doesn’t help that much to make it clearer to me. So these two were the biggest hurdle.

It doesn’t help that my math skills are pretty bad under pressure so having people basically yell at me why I wasn’t doing it right, to do it faster, and why I didn’t understand it moved me to tears. This was not a fun game. There was nothing fun about it. I felt like walking out. I was trying to do something new, to fulfill a social obligation, and to have fun, but I was being yelled at for not understanding. I felt personally attacked and I can say that I don’t think I will play the game anymore.

I have better things to do than feel badly about myself and be yelled at. I can stay here, in my apartment, in the quiet, and be fine, happy, and not yelled at.

But what it made me realize is that in that moment, instead of yelling or flat out walking out, as I wanted to, I began to feel upset that my partner hadn’t stepped in to tell his friends to back off.

There are a number of problems with this.

1. I can’t ignore that they’re his friends, and so I don’t want to yell and make a scene and have them call me ‘over’emotional’ behind my back
2. I rely on him to check some of his friends when they are saying genuinely hurtful things, knowingly or not, because is it really my place to go around making everyone aware? Saying ‘hey even though I don’t know you, that’s not funny and you shouldn’t say that about people’, no one would even listen to me at all. So I rely on him for that.
3. But even more startingly, is that I knew if he stepped in, it would stop. I had said, hey I didn’t understand in a back off tone, and it had done nothing. But I had more faith if he, as a man and their ‘bro’ (a slang term for brother), had said something they would have stopped. And that’s the crux of this post.

Is that in a lot of situations I know if a man steps in to defend me against other men, it will be more respected and taken seriously. And that’s messed up. Because I’m tired of fighting with people, and saying ‘my no, really meant no, it wasn’t cute it wasn’t a joke, it was what it was – no’. Or dealing with their harassment at night. And when I’m with him, he’s there, and other men respect that. They say, ‘oh she’s taken’ or something else in their strange mind.

I was going home from Oktoberfest I think and we encountered some drunk guys who tried to speak to me, in that really freaking annoying drunk guy ‘want to talk to pretty people’ way. I didn’t answer. That was pretty clear to me. And they kept doing it. I never answered, didn’t even look at them, and you’d think they would have gotten it. So my partner stepped in and got them to go away, being perfectly friendly, but that was the hint they needed to leave me alone.

So while this board game incident fueled my injustice meter, it reminded me that it’s not the first time I have felt safer with my partner, or relied on him to step in when I have been verbally attacked.

When I was younger red used to be my favorite color. It was fiery, it was loud. It was beautiful, sensual, and bold. It was everything I wanted to be in the world, alive, thriving and unapologetic. It gave me the confidence to be the person I wanted to be underneath it all. When I wore red, I thought this is what I want to be, I want to be that fiery person. I want to inspire, to give off passion, to blaze through. It was everything I was trying to be: to have the confidence to speak to my inner self, my fighting spirit.

But now that I’m older, while I still love red with a burning passion, I am drawn to burgendy. The cooling embers of a beautiful flame. It is a stunning color, whether it leans more purple or red I love them all. It is regal, it is elegent, and it is just as passionate to me. It is like looking at a flame, the dancing ember veins, the cooling of the red. Because that’s what it is to me, it’s a more mellowed out, wiser, version of the red. It’s a refined, less wild, red. It says, to my inner heart, that there is still that fire underneath, but it burns slower.

Because the fierceness of the red is hot and burns. It cannot be sustained forever, at some point the fire will burn out. It isn’t healthy to remain that ‘on’ all the time. There needs to be periods of rest.

Burgendy is the color of wine.

So burgendy, it tastes mellower, but it still has the richness you can roll on your tongue. It’s a beautiful taste you can still savor on your tongue afterwards. There is a hint of fire, but it is a subtle flavor that can creep up on you. There is a sophistication, high and low notes, like a perfume. There is depth and communication, seamlessly adapting to the other flavors around, bringing out a taste you never would have noticed otherwise.

It’s Christmas! Merry Holiday Season everyone.

I hope you have a wonderful, happy day filled with laughter and smiles.

Stay warm and healthy

I love the fall season.The weather is fantastic, I feel like my inner polar bear comes out to play. Snow is in the air, I can wear my ear muffs without looking crazy, although I always am treated like I am crazy when I do wear them.

We have Halloween in October – which I don’t particularly enjoy because I don’t dress up or what not, but I can appreciate the holiday without taking part.

And then in November it’s thanksgiving and I love making food and sharing it with people. Also there’s advent calenders to be bought and looked at until you get to open them.

In December you have tons of major holidays, Hanukkah and Christmas being my faves. You can finally open those advent calenders.

Then in January there’s my birthday, which I kind of love and look forward to every year, because it’s my birthday – duh.

February is Valentine’s day, and I love all the hearts around and the hugs. I like baking Valentine’s day stuff and it’s just such a lovely reminder day of all the love I feel in my life.

And then you have March, where things can turn into spring, and that, for me, ends the holiday/fall/winter season.

It’s a beautiful time to be in the middle, having Christmas, and then my birthday!

I believe in trying to always show people how much you care. I am in the process of preparing Christmas gifts and what not for my friends here. I am making some cute cards to go along with some cookies and home made refreshing face mist.

Sometimes it makes me sad that people don’t return it all the time, but it’s not about reciprocating. It is about my decision to take my time and do things for the people that make my life a bit happier and cheery.

I am trying to incorporate that mindset into my life.

Doing all I can, when I can, to make things better in general for me and my life. Cleaning up when I can, doing the dishes when I can, meeting my friends, doing them favors, etc.

It is no skin off my back, and it makes me feel good to do it.

I am not trying to toot my own horn, although why shouldn’t I?, but I am trying to share what I am doing and how it makes me feel.

But even if I was trying to brag, so what? I am doing a nice thing and I deserve to be able to say, “Today I did a great thing, I feel like a good person, and it’s kind of great”. I don’t want to feel ashamed for bragging, because I don’t think this is. I’m not saying these things because I want people to feel bad about themselves, I am saying these things only to say them, to share what I am doing and feeling with people I care about.

So here goes. I am doing great things for people around me, because I think it further confirms the belief I have that I am a pretty good person to the people I care about when I can be (even if I have my moments). I do them because it makes me feel good and them feel good. It is always beautiful to have a reminder from people you love that you love them. It’s why I make home made advent calenders, why I write nice little notes, why I make sure to remember to write people. I don’t think I’m too bad myself. I would love to be my friend.

 

I dislike doing laundry in Munich. I have to walk up these cold stairs (where I always envision bad things happening, like emergencies or being chased) and then go to a laundry room twice (once to deposit the laundry and another to collect it). I have rationalized this fear by delegating this chore to the other half (in return for my doing of the dishes, folding the clothes, etc). And that has worked, but I’ve come to realize that I should do what I can.

I should do all I can to make my life, our life, as good as I can. And, to me, that includes getting laundry out of the way, folded. There’s no reason why I shouldn’t do the laundry. I have feet and hands and can walk up the stairs.

I should do the laundry because it a) weighs on my mind, b) I have the time to do it, wash it, and fold it and c) I should always be thinking of things to do to improve the surroundings around me and the life of my partner.

I think that’s not only the nice thing to do, but the decent thing to do. Why shouldn’t I pick up some slack if I have time and don’t mind? Plus doing the laundry actually makes me feel really good, I feel productive and I feel like I’m doing a good thing.

So it’s a win win! I’m not saying I am going to take over the laundry completely and forever – um no. But I am saying that, when I can, I will.

Because that’s what people should do. Help others (and yourself!) whenever you can. Everyone has things to do, and if we can just do one little thing, then let’s do it. The larger question is – why not?

 

At this moment, I am in the air flying towards home for Christmas. This will be my first Christmas home in three years. This will be the third year (I never know how to count these things).

I am very happy to be able to go home and spend Christmas and New Years at home. It feels like a great culmination to a not so great school session. It will be relaxing and beautiful and I am so very excited.

It will also be sad in some ways. I will miss my friends here, my partner, and some of the routines I have adapted here.

It comes with some good and comes with some sad. I’ll take both. See you soon NY 🙂

I have found it hard to make friends here. In the beginning it was difficult for me to open up and make friends, either when I was sad inside or just in general a shy person. I open up more with people I am comfortable with, so it’s hard for me to get out of my comfort zone and be outgoing. I also have the general impression that people don’t usually like me (which I have no idea where that came from) until they know a bit about me and then they would like me. I don’t think I’m a bad person.

So in the beginning, for a while, I always baked something or had food to share so that I could always share it. I would bake something every week not for me, but for the purpose of giving them to people. And this was how I made friends. I would give them food and my number. Almost like bribery. And that’s how it felt for a bit, until you get to talking and get to know them.

But that’s how I decided to make friends with the first batch. Then some friends I got because I went on a trip to England with them and that hooked me up with some more people.

Now I’m pretty happy with my friend situation. I have distinct groups and they’re all really sweet. But finding, being friends, that was hard for me to do.

I am really proud of myself that I did, and I kept bringing things and I put it upon myself to invite them out, to invite them over, to cook for them, and bake. But it was hard to do, to get out of my comfort zone and say hello.

So hello with a cookie seemed to be easier.

What are my fears?

I am afraid of spiders. But this isn’t uncommon or not known about me. I actually have nightmares where spiders are thrown at me (and screamed in my sleep) or wake myself up when they jump on me.

I am very susceptible to psychological fears, like the supernatural, ghosts, etc.

I have a fear of someone breaking into my apartment (this has happened).

But what about my deep fears within?

I am afraid of disappointment. I am always afraid to disappoint my parents. They are the most important people to me and their opinion means everything to me.

I am afraid of failure (closely linked with disappointment). I would never want to fail and disappoint my parents. But I am also afraid of general failure. Although there is the saying that there is no greater fear than the failure to try…that’s hard for me to put into my life (but I’m trying to adopt that mindset).

These fears seem pretty common, I can imagine other people having it. But I think that these are my deepest fears.

So I guess my deepest fear within is that I will be a failure and disappointment to the people who love me most.

 

When I was testing out the scheduling function for my blog, I made a mistake and it ended up posting my tester early and what not.

I didn’t know you could post to the past! Freaky time travel.

Anyway, disregard it and my apologies for my mistake going public!

I am a flawed human being.

I am not a robot.