Month: April 2016

Something I recently read in Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert (the author of Eat, Pray, Love) is that this idea that our life partner or spouse is supposed to be this source of happiness, or fulfillment is both so central to our culture and identity. There is this huge expectation, this idea that we were always on that path to them (soul mate) and that they will complete us, or make us whole.There’s such a pressure on a relationship, “Marriage becomes hard work once you have poured entirety of your life’s expectations for happiness into the hands of one mere person” (48). And I thought, YES. This chapter just resonated with me and made me question what I thought about marriage and love.

{What were we before? I don’t feel like I am walking around only half here. I am a whole person already.}

And while I do feel I am not waiting to be completed, I think there is this underlying assumption that this life partner decision is the most important in our lives. I get that. I get that this partner, in marriage, is someone we are supposed to be with forever and live with forever and have kids with and blah blah. So to pick one person to do this with is a big deal. But it is just one facet of our lives. I have friends, my work, school, my hobbies, my family, and my partner. I have not been eaten by that identity. I don’t want to just be anyone’s Mrs., anyone’s plus one. I want to always be me and to retain that individuality. In my former relationship I totally thought it was the goal to be that unit, that submerged me. But I have risen to the surface and fought to be me again. It was really hard for me afterwards to be who I am, to have my interests, and to fight for control over myself again.

I like me. I don’t want to lose me. So I think that the idea not to ladle so many expectations and life plans onto marriage is a great idea, but also freeing. Marriage is a title, a piece of paper, logistics. It doesn’t change my relationship now. It doesn’t change my relationship with my family, my friends, myself. It is the formalization of the bond I have already chosen. It doesn’t make it less special, but I don’t want to fall into the trap where marriage is the climax of my life, the special moment, the best moment.

 

I recently watched a youtube video that spoke about what ‘having it all’ meant, how reasonable/delusional it was, and how different it was for everyone. This really made me think a lot and I thought I would put down my thoughts.

What does it mean to have it all? Before this, I would have said that, to me, having it all was to have a fulfilling life with a loving and compassionate partner, having a child/children, a career that makes me feel happy and that I am doing something.

What does it mean now? I am not sure now what ‘having it all’ means. I definitely fell into the category where I thought I would have it all, or that was my goal. But now I feel so differently. I wonder what it means to me now to have it all, or what my ‘life goal’ is?

I definitely think there are things in feminism that ignore the different dimensions of race and what not. So that was a first moment where I thought, wow I never even thought of how that mindset was so entitled. For just me to pick a career that fulfills me that I CHOOSE is a huge deal. It’s not the same for everyone and this belief makes me entitled. As a millennial too, I think this idea that we can just have everything if we go for it, is huge. I think that we are brought up with the idea that we can have those things. It is a huge privilege, like she says, not something we are entitled to.

I do agree that the desire to have it all, can set you up for disappointment, because there are a lot of material things people could choose (house, car, etc). It’s hard when you set up expectations, and especially huge expectations like those. It reminds me of something I am going to talk about in the next blog post that relates to the book Committed.

But also, what ideas of ‘having it all’ is so gendered? To have a family, but what does that mean? These ideas of what ‘having it all’ mean are incredibly society oriented or normalized. How many people would say a family, career, and a house? And if that’s true, how many people actually ‘have it all’ or get it?

I agree that this mindset makes us believe we are entitled to something, to that lifestyle, and that would be what would make us happy. It sets up huge expectations for ourselves and our goals and is, to a degree, limiting. Who knows what would happen in our life?

Can we adopt a lifestyle or a life mantra where we already have it all?

If my goal is to be happy, and that would be all, how would that happen? I have days where they are perfect and other days not, to be constantly happy would not be my goal. I need days of sadness, different modes, and off time. I need to be able to be cranky. I don’t want to be constantly sunny rainbows.

So what does having it all mean to me? What would my goal be in that respect?
I want to live my life unapologetically and with the mindset that I want to take the opportunities I have/make and know I am following my heart to its fullest extent (to refrain from the tendency to look backwards, and move forwards with a caring and forgiving heart).

I am flying up up in the sky above the white fluffy clouds in the bright blue sky.

Flying towards another part of my heart, part of my identity, part of the puzzle that is me

Getting into a scary white box with wings and clutching my hand tightly in fear

That clenching, breath trapped, then exhaled when the floor falls away

The monotony, beautiful sky, feeling so small

The descent, tightness, bumps and bangs

Warm embraces and familiar beds

It is great to know I will be heading back home Monday, I love my home and I have missed it. Since my last trip home, I have done a lot of work on myself, my fitness, my life style, and my living here.

I have found more peace with here, more understanding with myself, and am generally happier than I was before here. I am growing into it, knowing, still at this point, I don’t see myself living here permanently, but knowing it is getting way better. This 30 day project of pictures has helped motivate new experiences and what not. Having a work ethic and people around. Life is crazy, up in the air, and hectic now. But it will always probably be?

I am finding peace with myself, and maybe that helps me find peace anywhere, I do hope so. Maybe I have finally gotten around to choosing to be here? I can only hope. I don’t want to say I’m further than I am, I don’t want to over advertise the ‘progress’ I have made (a long time coming I think).

So I’m growing. I feel myself growing as a person, growing into here, growing into the uncertainty, moving forwards (like a shark).

Thank you to the partner who:

• always has my back
• constantly supports me
• loves me no matter what even when I look like a clown
• appreciates my time
• has patience with me
• cooks with me and for me
• listens to me when I complain
• looks at all my books lying everywhere
• is willing to move with me
• wants to embark together

And many many more, but it’s always great to stop, have a moment, and say thank you

I am a big believer in things happen for a reason. That being said, I don’t have anything specifically I would change. I would not say, “past self, do not do this, etc” but I do have some wishes that I wish I knew then or was more aware of then.

• Be kind to everyone, there are such things as bad days and the best advice for how to become a better person, or one piece of advice, is to be compassionate to everyone
• Do not think that bringing other people down will bring you up. Don’t do this, especially to other women
• Gossiping is a not so great social activity. Instead talk about the things in life that matter, not some stupid gossip
• Let the drama go and remove yourself from it, it’s not exciting it’s toxic
• There will be people in your life who don’t want to be in it, and it’s okay to let them go. There are people meant to be there and others not. If someone isn’t making an effort, really isn’t making an effort, let them go
• You cannot help people who do not want to be helped or help themselves. No matter what happens it is like a black hole and it will only suck you in, detach yourself so you don’t go in, but remain open and there, do not completely detach
• Do not leave things unsaid or opportunities un-taken. You are young, but there will be a time you might wonder what could have happened. Try your best to avoid that. Follow your heart, but realize it’s better to try and put yourself out there than to never say anything.

There is such a pressure to never question what a doctor says or to listen to what they say. You go around and they have all this knowledge and authority in our society as knowing best. So when they tell you to try this, or not to worry you want to believe them because I think, in a lot of Western culture, that is what is advised. Yet there are so many problems with this.

First, blindly following authority is pretty problematic. Second, doctors can be wrong and a condition can have tons of symptoms, that doesn’t mean they’re a bad doctor, it means that the body is a tricky mischievous thing. I still don’t know why I have had a serious of rashes and allergic reactions to burns I get from pans and cooking things (despite visiting so many doctors and getting prescribed everything under the sun and being told I am allergic to x,y,z). At first that made me say, no never again. But that is too final and too simple. Being a doctor and making a prescription or a diagnosis is not an exact science (irony right?), but there is practice and wisdom and things can present themselves differently. Thirdly, I think we tend to ignore our own body wisdom. The wisdom we get from listening and living in our bodies 24/7. We should never totally ignore that little voice inside our head because it is important and worth listening to. We shouldn’t say, no little voice the doctor said it’s not. We should remember that there are somethings that are body is right about and the doctor may not realize it yet.

It is hard to stand up against a doctor and say “No do it again” or “I don’t think so” or “I don’t think that is right for me”, but it’s important to stand up for yourself, to be your best advocate, to realize they are fallible people too, and to know you can always try to seek another opinion. We need to treat ourselves with the same protection we treat our best friend.

I go from 0 to 100 real quick in terms of hunger and sleep. One minute I am okay, another hungry, and then I feel like I don’t even remember the last time I had food. With sleep it’s more I am tired, I could fall asleep, then I am asleep. And when I am hungry and sleepy and it’s gone to the point where I want option 3, instant food or instant sleep and can’t get it, I am a wreck and a mean person, totally snappy. Because for me it’s already gotten to that point where it is already taken such a toll on me.

But I think it’s more complicated than just being hungry. I wondered, why does it do this for me? And then I hit upon the answer. I am denying it. When I am not on my own, and in control of my food, I don’t want to cause a stir or cause a scene and scream, “GET ME FOOD RIGHT NOW I WANT TO EAT A CAR!”. I don’t want to be dramatic or emotional. I want to try to deny the inevitable rage until the moment I can’t anymore. I try to politely express my desire for food. I want to be easy going and be flexible. I don’t want to be the neurotic person who everyone needs to have fed or we can’t go anywhere. I am worried about causing a stir, making people go out of their way. For real, and totally nonsensically, I am afraid of drinking lots of liquids before I set off for fear of needing to use the restroom and having no access. That is the extent to which my fear of confrontation or standing up or whatever you want to call it can get.

In England I just packed meals everywhere. A lot of food ended up going bad, but I needed to make sure I always had snacks and always had food because it was never certain. I ended up giving food away at the end of the day because I had too much, or because I ended up buying Island food. For me, Island food is food I would only end up eating starving on a deserted Island. I bought it, because at least I would have something in that awful scenario.

Yet in certain situations, that power is harder to come by. I am in a new place, I don’t have control over plans, or my location, or transport.

So I am starting to pack an emergency pack and essentials that go everywhere with me. The first necessity is a back pack. It needs to be smaller than a normal sized backpack, but larger than a purse. In this pack would go sunscreen, stain pens, anti-bacterial wipes and hand sanitizer, tissues, wet wipes, various small snacks (fresh and dry), water bottle, at least 20 dollars/euros, a nail file. And that’s all I can think of now. I also need a smaller travel wallet, because my normal wallet is so inconvenient.

Because I need to be in control of basic things like my eating or my situation. So I don’t become even more dramatic when I faint on the ground, or when I just refuse to walk any further.

Maybe I should call it my SOS bag, but that seems to typical….

It is so hard to break old patterns, routines, and habits. But it is necessary. We have to grow and change. It is painful and destructive. It feels that way because it is. Like you need to destroy a house to build a new one, the process includes destruction.

We often get stuck in a rut, unable to change our patterns, or mind. We know it hurts us and we continue sitting in the rut because the climb out is hard and so scary. It is uncertain and it feels like it would be so much work and pain, more than the one we are in.

But we have to. We have to walk outside our confront zone, play with the lines of our limitations, in order to grow. To figure out who we are. We cannot grow if we stay in the same place.

I try to remember this in all aspects of my life. I try to try new recipes, to go new places, to experience new things. I try to remember that I am not a static being, I am in a process of growing, expanding. It can be tiring and it does not always produce fantastic results, but experience is experience. Even if knowing I do not like something (like Gorgonzola).

It reminds me of a quote from Jacqueline Carey, ‘All knowledge is worth having’. That quote has stuck with me through the years and I still believe in it. I could expand on it, ‘Experience, of all types, is worth having’.

Our capacity to adapt can surprise us.

Please vote. I have been talking to people around me who say I will vote, and then say ‘or maybe I will just see how it all plays out’. No. Do not do that.

How in the world would that be a good idea? You just fuel the media, the spectacle. Voting is a way that you participate in the conversation and the future. While the system is flawed and there are problems many, voting is your ability. People have fought and died for you to vote and your apathy is disheartening. We have so many things that others have never had and we take it for granted everyday. There is no reason for it. Voting is one of those things.

And if I hear another, I want to live in Germany anyway (excuse for not voting) I will scream. If you do not vote, you do not participate in the future, not just the US, but all of our future. Do not kid yourself into thinking that politics draws the lines at country lines. They do not. Politics is on a global scale. We cannot shut our eyes and our involvement in the future of the world, our world and our planet.

Change will never happen if we wall ourselves up, if we refuse to be part of the conversation