Month: November 2015

What is my reality? What are the things that are real to me?

These are the first things that stood out to me when I saw that prompt.

My reality is that I often think I could be happier somewhere else.

And this, makes me unhappy. It makes me sit at home and stay isolated and wonder why I am unhappy and what I can do to change it, make hundreds of list of things I can change, but it’s really a mindset I need to change. It’s not things I need to do, although there are things I could do to be happier, it’s also a basic road block of a mindset. I can implement all the things and events to try to make myself happier, but in the end it still crashes into the huge cement sign that says I am not happy. My reality is there are a lot of things that make me unhappy here (see other numerous posts). And there are things I can change about it and things I cannot.

What I will do to change my reality: try to be happy because I’m here (not because I’m the happiest I’ll ever be, or this is my happiest place, but because I am here, and deserve to be happy) be better about learning German (in a concrete way, speaking more German in my everyday life and continuing Duolingo [more for fun and practice because it isn’t the best platform]) really focus on the things I can change and accept the things I cannot

It’s not really helpful to make gigantic lists of things I want to change, because they’re baby steps, small progress things, with relapses, and feeling good and bad and in between. It’s a long process that begins with every day and every moment and never ends. It’s consistent, and it’s hard. The first steps will be arduous, it involves changing a mindset, and demolition takes time.

I’m sorry there was no post on Wednesday. It was the calm before the Thanksgiving storm. I made dinner, with help, for 6 people and it was a lot of preparations, groceries, etc. So I reserved Wednesday for relaxation. I’ve been having a lot of anxiety over things lately (waking up in the middle of the night, jaw tension, etc), so it was a nice relaxation day.

I feel a bit of a cough coming up, so I need to just balance and take it easy. Yesterday was stressful as well, and tomorrow evening will be, so minute by the minute.

I made: pumpkin pie, canelinni bean with scallions and proscuitto dip, cornbread, cranberry sauce, gravy

Food made, not by me: green beans, carrots, zucchini, mashed potatoes

And we had chicken, since it’s hard to find turkey here, and especially one that’s a bird.

So that was my last two days…was intense, but it was very fun and worth it!

The other night I had a dream where I was back in high school, except it was not a dream where I was dreaming I never left high school, but one where I still knew that I graduated, but returned. And even more weird, I was in class too, but it was a computer type of class (not sure what I was learning) and my friends were in the class and everything. The high school was a bit different, newer I think.

It was just so bizarre to be back in high school, which hadn’t changed that much. I even went outside the high school and walked around and what not. All the feelings of high school was there as well, the angst, the drama. But I was now older and wiser.

So the whole dream was surreal. I’m sure other things happened in it that I can’t remember, but I just remember waking up and having to lay in bed for a few minutes and reorient myself.

 

By the way this is part of a 30 day writing challenge, so for the next 30 posts, they’ll all have some sort of theme/reflection thing. I was really interested in doing this after hearing about it. So here we go!

The 5 Things I Like about Germany:

1. Apfelsaftschorle: These are yummy and divine. Like a nice light carbonated sweet apple juice. Yum
2. Holunder everything: Holunder is such a nice sweet taste. It’s Elderberry in English. I would recommend it highly!
3. The labeling that tells me where the food is from: because it’s kind of neat to know where my apples were grown
4. The History: the old buildings and streets, not old, but old old.
5. Public Transport: it’s very nice, reliable, and quick (with some flaws) and usually clean.
6. And for an extra: my partner

I had really nice plans for blog post writing and then I had a really runny nose, congestion, and sneezing day yesterday and today.

My head feels like a very small air balloon. I don’t know if it’s an allergy thing or what, but I took an allergy pill last night to calm it down a little.

I might do one again tonight, but because of that, nothing major is going to happen on this blog today. Or in my life. I had filled a page of things I wanted to get done….barely any. But that’s okay! I’ll rest today and catch up tomorrow 🙂

I don’t like Gorgonzola cheese. I shouldn’t eat much cheese anyway because it makes me feel very sick, but Gorgonzola seems to be in a class of its own of cheese I cannot eat.

Unfortunately, this knowledge would have been useful before I ate and paid for a bowl of gnocchi with Gorgonzola cream sauce.

I went in with high hopes and excitement and upon first bite, felt very sad and a bit stupid.

But then I thought about it for a while and thought, okay I bought this yucky dish, but maybe I can bring it home for left overs so it’s not a complete waste.

That way it’s less of a ten euro waste.

But additionally I also thought, well this was a good lesson to learn.

Now I know for sure, and in a way I will not forget, that I really do not like this cheese.

There was a price to pay, but it wasn’t that high and it was a lesson that I learned.

I chose, almost immediately to see the positive, to try to move forwards and not dwell.

I take this as a good sign of change. I am happy that I didn’t dwell and moved onwards. Not something I would have done normally.

Change is good. Change requires some growth, some pain (my stomach is feeling it now), but it’s good and it makes my heart happy (which distracts from some of the stomach pain).

I am tired of trying to think of nice and cute ways to say what I mean. I am sick of thinking about cute non-obtrusive ways to say what I mean when I’m talking/debating with my male peers. I am fed up with trying to say what I mean in the most polite, objective, logical, and even toned.

As Jennifer Lawrence says: “I’m over trying to find the ‘adorable’ way to state my opinion and still be likable! Fuck that. I don’t think I’ve ever worked for a man in charge who spent time contemplating what angle he should use to have his voice heard. It’s just heard.” (Source).

This was demonstrated in my life when one of my friends was upset about something and talking about it at dinner, when one of my male friends told her to calm down because she was ‘yelling’ and that he doesn’t take what people are saying seriously when they act like that. And I just was shocked. I thought, are you for real? She was not yelling by any stretch of imagination. But it’s also something that was just so stereotypical: women who are too emotional when arguing. Both of us were so upset by this statement. Should she have said, “I am sorry that my enthusiasm upsets you, do you want some earplugs?”

No. In fact to contribute to the conversation, I had to think for about a half an hour of a ‘likeable and correct’ way to say what I wanted to say, which was, in a nutshell, this is bullshit. But I can’t say things like that. I can’t be visibly upset because that is instantly perceived as ’emotional’.

Whereas no one told the men to be calmer. I don’t think I’ve ever heard that said to a man, whereas I have heard that said to women a lot. Even to me personally (which I took care of straight away because there’s no way I am dealing with that).

It’s not just being ‘too emotional’ it’s the heart of the issue, where I automatically think how to say what I want to say for the audience. Whereas I know many of my male friends who would not say this happens for them at all. Because they don’t have to worry so much about what they say, or how it’s said to be heard. They are heard.

I am not directing this at any one person (because here I am already doing proactive damage control). This is just my personal experience so far. I would even say, before you read this and get ’emotional’ and attack, like I have so many times when I tell my own opinion, take a moment and think about it.

If you are trying to say something contrary to someone do you think a moment about how to say it? How to fire someone? How to make yourselves heard? How to phrase and deliver what you are said? Do you ever worry about how you will be perceived, if you’re seen as too ’emotional’?

Because I, of course, am open to suggestions and opinions (as long as they’re even tempered and logically phrased, because anything that isn’t doesn’t seem like it should be considered valid, no?). No? Maybe sarcasm doesn’t come off so well on the internet.

But seriously I would like to hear other people’s opinions. Maybe this is a generational thing? Or maybe I attract people like this? I am interested.

There are just some people in your life who are caustic, toxic. They ooze negativity. They are very sad to be around, but damaging as well.

The best thing to do is to get away from them, far far away.

Life is just too short to surround yourself with people who won’t inspire you, help you, and lift you up. It is too short to spend time dealing with, taking care of, people who only infect you with negativity. Life should be enjoyed, and people who serve no positive purpose to you, should be ignored. People who criticize, hate, hurt.

Life is too short to dwell on the should have beens, the memories, and the scars of those who hurt just to hurt. Like a disease or growth they need to be cut out. Negativity is infectious and dangerous.

Life should be about looking towards the sun, not dwelling in the shadows. It should be about enjoyment and happiness, doing things that make you happy and fulfilled, not sad.

This is basic self care. The care of yourself to say you don’t deserve to deal with people who spew negativity. The care to remove yourself from those situations, to respect your limits and your tolerances and leave.

Respect and love yourself. Respect your time and know it’s more valuable. Love yourself, and protect yourself.

Hello internet. I don’t have a really cool blog post for today because last week I was sick, and then Saturday I was feeling a bit better, but was making cookies and doing work. Then Sunday I spent most of the day making cupcakes and almost all day doing either work or making dumplings!

It has been a crazy week and I am just getting back on my feet.

That being said, I didn’t have the time I wanted to devote to my blog post and I don’t want to write a blog post that I don’t have time to devote to.

So, I am sorry, but you’ll have to do with this cupcake photo then.

I know the concept of internet or social media superstars. People that get famous for their pictures, their tweets. It’s interesting how their image is created, because you never know how ‘real’ what you see is.

Are they really that effortlessly beautiful? Because if it’s one thing I’ve learned is that almost nothing is always as it seems on first glance (especially in regards to the internet/social media/advertising). It is always about creating an image, a look, a polished product that people can ‘like’ and ‘share’. It’s all about the creation process. The creation of the perfect pose, the perfect filter, the perfect editing, and then the publishing of the photo.

Just exactly the right amount of wit, class, sophistication, beauty, and effortlessness.

But, you can use social media for good and for fun. It doesn’t always have to be a huge deal, but I do believe it should make you happy. If it makes someone happy to do all this, to do the creation, then do it. But it’s important, as a consumer of images, to take things with a grain of salt. Be a conscious consumer, person. Know what you like and be able to distill your thoughts about your identity.