Month: June 2015

There’s something so intoxicating about flying.

There’s an utter terror that I feel whenever we take off where I hold my breath and count to ten until I remember how to breathe.

But after that, there’s this sense of weightlessness and clarity.

Above the world without control, there’s a moment of inner peace (for me), where I hand over the reigns and resign myself to whatever happens.

I fly above the clouds and above the people, above all that lies beneath me. I know at some point I’ll touch down again and be returned to the real world, but for the moment, I exist quite literally above it.

The only problems I have are those with me.

And then there’s that heart stopping moment when we descend from above the beautiful pillowy clouds and the view from above takes your breath away. The world is instantly returned back to you, and there’s a moment where everything else in the world just seems so small, so tiny.

It makes me feel so light and above the world, not in a superior way, but in a literal sense.

And isn’t it a wonder that people even figured out how to do this flying business? A person thought one day, I could do this and they risked their life to try. Courage.

I am always in awe.

I returned on Friday from my trip to England, but needed the whole weekend to rest. I slept almost entirely one day. I returned seriously stressed and sleep deprived and needed the safe and secure place to sleep.

I’ll elaborate on the trip in a series of blog posts after this, but I just wanted to give a quick update.

The trip was beautiful, stressful, and intense.

There were moments of exquisite sights, intense frustration, and sleep deprivation.

But I survived, my luggage and I. I came out alive and now I just need to rest and gain back some of my sanity.

I leave today for a week excursion to England. I am a bit anxious about it because there has been a severe lack of details until the last minute, in my mind. And so I haven’t even had that much time to be excited about it. But I am trying to keep an open eye. I am surrendering control to someone else, my professor, to plan this and it has been nerve wracking. Only the after can tell you if it was a good experience. It’s been really hard not knowing the details and not being in control, or informed of the plans. I can’t say I would love to repeat the experience. But I will try to learn from it, if I can.

I am going to try to approach it with an open mind and take what I can from it.

And I’m going with my friends, so if it’s bad, at least misery will have company.

During the time away, there probably won’t be any new posts, just as a heads up.

We were recently talking about social media and facebook at a get together I had. Some people thought that looking at facebook news feeds just made them sad. It made them sad about all the things they ‘should’ be doing.

To an extent, I agree and understand where they’re coming from. When I first got here, and during college, I was always thinking about what I ‘should’ be doing. Whether that be traveling every weekend or going out dancing. I was concerned with trying to fulfill an image of what the typical experience was like. It didn’t bother me a lot, but it weighed upon me when I thought about what I could be doing. But I grew out of it. I realized pretty quickly, that this was just life here, it wasn’t something fantastically different, and I didn’t need to fulfill an image.

I don’t travel that much, because I have friends, a life, work, school, priorities here. There’s this image that we should travel when we go abroad, and for those who do that, great, I admire you. But I love staying at home and eating with friends. If I travel, I want it planned and everything sorted, I rarely get up and go. And I like company when I travel, so it’s even harder to plan.

But watching all my friends travel made me think, you should do that. Some of them go every weekend and don’t do their work or hang out with friends who won’t travel with them. I like hosting, I like being surrounded, sometimes, with people, food, and laughter.

So I’m kind of done with this whole image, this whole fulfilling the image of what an experience is supposed to be.

But back to facebook, for my friends it pointed out to them what they ‘ought’ to be doing here, or in their lives. They ‘ought’ to have children or be in a relationship or have a great job. But the small tidbits we see on facebook are just glimpses. They’re part of the poster’s image creation. It’s a second life where we see mostly the highlight reels, it’s where we see only what we are permitted to see, not even what we might want to see.

I don’t post that much on facebook. When I do sometimes, I find myself thinking, how will other people read it, how can I write something that people will enjoy and ‘like’. And now I never post.

I use that time to do something I enjoy.

I rarely dislike people a lot, it doesn’t happen to me that often. There are people I find frustrating or annoying, but dislike is something entirely different.

But there is this one person in my program I can’t stand. They (I know I’m using a plural pronoun, but I don’t want to give many clues to who this person is) think they know absolutely everything and think they are too good to talk in class because all of us other underlings are too stupid. They mock those who contribute to the class, making fun of them in the halls by name, saying that their contributions are so stupid and that they can’t bring themselves to contribute. They aren’t interested in helping others learn or sharing knowledge, but having a sense of arrogance and superiority. For what? I watched one of their presentations and it was so badly put together, incoherent, and was a total disgrace. And I thought, really? After all this talk, this is what your genius came up with? And their excuse was that they didn’t prepare and gave up half way through. Well then, you could have tried and exhibited a sense of determination, but instead you gave up.

Suffice it to say, I dislike this person. They don’t seem prepared and they think that because they are so smart they don’t feel they need to be prepared or do the work.

And I wonder, how did they become like this? Did people just think they were so phenomenal that no one ever said, you can’t really keep going like this? And to some degree, that’s true. Some other of my friends think they are so smart and are intimidated. They think that just because they know theory or philosophy that it means they are on top of us all.

I’m not stupid, but I don’t flaunt my intelligence around. I’ve spent, now, five years studying literature and theory. It’s not like I know nothing.

I usually don’t let it get to me, or even think about it, except when it’s brought up to me in a story my friend tells about this person.

It’s not even worth my energy to dislike this person, except I don’t spend too much energy on it. I know I’ll move on, because I have many things to do and a lot of work, but it irks me.

And so I have ranted, and that’s the end of it.

I recently thought last night, if I am so concerned about being efficient, when will I actually live?

I spend so much time trying to make my day as efficient as possible, so that what? I can spend the time making the next day as efficient as possible with lists?

Where am I going that I need to be so damned efficient? To where am I running towards? Society seems to pride efficiency and hard work, but where do we go next? What does our hard work buy? Does it buy us a good life, a promise land where we don’t have to work as hard? Would I even know how to do that?

These are all some pretty big questions.

How do I answer them? How does anyone answer them?

Maybe I have this idea that all this hard work and efficiency will pay off and land me somewhere, somewhere where my life is perfect and I don’t have to be so efficient. I’m slowly realizing that that is mostly an illusion. First off, what would that look like and, secondly, how would I know when I reached it?

So realizing that a basic life idea I had was mostly wrong, I realized, well uh oh, where am I heading towards then? In reality, my hard work buys me peace of mind.

But then I have to ask myself, if I didn’t think I had to be like this, would my personality be vastly different? More relaxed, more chill, like my friends who I wish I could emulate. If I didn’t have to be so efficient, would I be? Could I even go back to a time before?

For the most part I’ve just accepted this about myself, that I am a type A person who needs a plan, control, and a list. What if I wasn’t supposed to be like this? Could I have even gotten so far if it wasn’t my nature?

This post is more questions than answers.

Sometimes I think I take my life too seriously. I hear about people who do things during the weekend, and I think, why can’t I? Is it because I spent the week working myself up into a flurry, feeling guilty for not doing more work, then doing the work and spending the weekend relaxing from the anxiety of the week? Maybe.

I was actually asked today if I actually study. Yes, by another student as well. And while her answer was no, mine was, ‘well actually yes’.

I’m not sure I ever had one of those crazy college experiences. Well I can tell you I definitely didn’t, especially in the conventional sense. Additionally, now I don’t either.

Am I burnt out? Probably, well, actually most definitely. All of this is quite awkward, being as I can’t actually be burnt out because I am still in school. So it’s somewhat of a tug of war between me and my inner sloth.

What would I do if I didn’t study? Have fun? Preposterous.

Lately I’ve been trying to do better, to go eat with friends more, to host more things, to do more activities, to rouse my inner lazy sloth (I have many sloth personas). Wednesday night, the end of my work week most weeks, does not meet going to a bar that night or go dancing. It means going to Zumba and then sleeping because I try to make Thursday as productive as possible. Thursday and Sunday are really productive days usually for me. But usually I don’t need more than that for the weekend. I can get my work done, well actually in one day if I push, but two in a more comfortable style. Last weekend I did all my work on Sunday I needed to do while not doing work till after lunch. And then Monday I just did work to get ahead, because I am always planning ahead.

What does this tell you about me? That I’m a planning freak who works too much and doesn’t know how to have fun? Perhaps. I realize that to the modern day society where efficiency is the rage all of these qualities are good and disciplined, but what about the society that privileges the carpe diem, YOLO, lifestyle? Whatever happens will happen.

I’m trying to let loose (a little).

I guess this relates a lot to my last post.

I love reading, and I have made this my career/studies. It takes a toll on me, because I used to read in my spare time and it was relaxing. Whereas, I’ve made my hobby something professional and it has taken away some of the joy. I still love bookstores and reading, I haven’t stopped, but it just takes me a little more time to get into a book. It has to be a very different style from what I’m reading for school to be a real relaxation.

But in another sense, I’ve started doing other things as well. I am currently playing a cooperative cooking/time management game when we both have time. It’s really fun to play a cooperative game that we both enjoy, that is challenging and an activity together.

I feel guilty sometimes when I am playing, because I could be reading for fun and ‘expanding’ my mind in that way, but choose to play games that don’t really expand my mind.

I tell myself that it’s for fun. But there’s still a part of me that thinks, what purpose does this serve? That part of me wonders, you should devote more time to reading for fun.

But I guess there’s been a large element of fun that has been changed or eliminated. It doesn’t have the same ring anymore.

And that’s okay. Things in life change, hobbies, interests. And it’s okay, or it should be, to acknowledge that and move, to change.

I can’t say I won’t play the game anymore, because I will.

I guess the real challenge isn’t reading more, sometimes I think it is, the real challenge is quite the opposite.

I have to be alright with not reading more. It’s not about doing something more, it’s about accepting that not everything has to ‘expand’ my mind, or be productive, or move me towards another end.

As every Sims play knows, even a Sim has to have a little fun to ward off insanity.

I’m just past the year anniversary for my graduation and I can’t believe it has been a year. In some ways it feels like it has been no time at all, and in some ways it feels like it has been longer than that.

In a year, I’ve moved continents and am doing my Master’s here. In that way, it feels like not that much. Those are pretty major developments, I think. I never imagined myself being here or doing the things I do everyday, but here I am. In this aspect, I feel like, ‘wow, it’s been a year’.  I”m also almost done with getting my TEFL certification as well.

Yet at the same time, sometime I feel so stagnated, like I should be doing more with my time. In those moments, I still feel like, ‘wow it’s been a year’ but in a less positive way. I still feel like there’s so many things I should be doing.

I guess what to take from this anniversary is a recognition of my progress. Whatever I may have wanted to accomplish, I can’t change what I have accomplished and it is something. I may have wanted to do more, but I can always move towards more things. I am living a life that is drastically different than I thought I ever would be.

I should take it in stride and use it as motivation to become better and do more.

So that next year, I can say, ‘wow it’s been two years’. Although, to be honest, it will always be a mix of pride and disappointment. It’s not long lasting disappointment, but there are many moments when we could do more. It’s about personal growth, learning to accept that there may be some moments where we could do more, but that we didn’t, and that’s okay.

So while I know next year I will feel like this again, I guess my only true goal is to have more personal growth, to be okay with failures, purposelessness, and the time I need to find the path.

I am not one to diet. It’s a combination of multiple reasons. For one, I really enjoy eating savory dishes as well as making deserts to share.

Do I have the will power to just make them and not eat them? Yes, but I want to be able to eat a piece of my delicious chocolate torte.

If I truly believed in the necessity of my diet, then I think I could do it, but I don’t. I don’t believe in limiting myself or not eating certain things at this moment.

Another reason is that, healthwise, I don’t need to. I don’t have diabetes, or high blood sugar, etc. I am relatively healthy and as long as that is the case, I don’t see a reason to change. While I can live diet free, I would like to do so.

I want to be able to have my cake and eat it too.

I have eaten an egg custard bun I made myself almost every evening.

Some might argue that’s excessive or too much. But I spent hours making them, I know exactly what is in them. I don’t go out and buy them and get instant gratification and eating ability. I need to make them, and steam them, and freeze them. It’s a whole process that I take the time out of my week to do for myself.

Someone once told me that, in moderation, you could eat anything you wanted as long as you made it yourself. I could do that. I mostly do that. I don’t eat hamburgers and fries everyday, because I wouldn’t want to make that everyday. I like salads, and steaks, and peppers. I like a healthy variety, I love chick peas and curries. I like salads and vegetables. I like trying to find every color for my salads. I like making my own things, my own face lotions, my own salad dressing, my own dumplings.

It naturally sorts itself out in moderation because I don’t have the time to make custard bungs everyday, I need to ration them out before the next moment I can make them. It’s like a control on how much I eat by how much I’m willing to make. And so far, it’s working.