I recently thought last night, if I am so concerned about being efficient, when will I actually live?
I spend so much time trying to make my day as efficient as possible, so that what? I can spend the time making the next day as efficient as possible with lists?
Where am I going that I need to be so damned efficient? To where am I running towards? Society seems to pride efficiency and hard work, but where do we go next? What does our hard work buy? Does it buy us a good life, a promise land where we don’t have to work as hard? Would I even know how to do that?
These are all some pretty big questions.
How do I answer them? How does anyone answer them?
Maybe I have this idea that all this hard work and efficiency will pay off and land me somewhere, somewhere where my life is perfect and I don’t have to be so efficient. I’m slowly realizing that that is mostly an illusion. First off, what would that look like and, secondly, how would I know when I reached it?
So realizing that a basic life idea I had was mostly wrong, I realized, well uh oh, where am I heading towards then? In reality, my hard work buys me peace of mind.
But then I have to ask myself, if I didn’t think I had to be like this, would my personality be vastly different? More relaxed, more chill, like my friends who I wish I could emulate. If I didn’t have to be so efficient, would I be? Could I even go back to a time before?
For the most part I’ve just accepted this about myself, that I am a type A person who needs a plan, control, and a list. What if I wasn’t supposed to be like this? Could I have even gotten so far if it wasn’t my nature?
This post is more questions than answers.