Something I recently read in Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert (the author of Eat, Pray, Love) is that this idea that our life partner or spouse is supposed to be this source of happiness, or fulfillment is both so central to our culture and identity. There is this huge expectation, this idea that we were always on that path to them (soul mate) and that they will complete us, or make us whole.There’s such a pressure on a relationship, “Marriage becomes hard work once you have poured entirety of your life’s expectations for happiness into the hands of one mere person” (48). And I thought, YES. This chapter just resonated with me and made me question what I thought about marriage and love.
{What were we before? I don’t feel like I am walking around only half here. I am a whole person already.}
And while I do feel I am not waiting to be completed, I think there is this underlying assumption that this life partner decision is the most important in our lives. I get that. I get that this partner, in marriage, is someone we are supposed to be with forever and live with forever and have kids with and blah blah. So to pick one person to do this with is a big deal. But it is just one facet of our lives. I have friends, my work, school, my hobbies, my family, and my partner. I have not been eaten by that identity. I don’t want to just be anyone’s Mrs., anyone’s plus one. I want to always be me and to retain that individuality. In my former relationship I totally thought it was the goal to be that unit, that submerged me. But I have risen to the surface and fought to be me again. It was really hard for me afterwards to be who I am, to have my interests, and to fight for control over myself again.
I like me. I don’t want to lose me. So I think that the idea not to ladle so many expectations and life plans onto marriage is a great idea, but also freeing. Marriage is a title, a piece of paper, logistics. It doesn’t change my relationship now. It doesn’t change my relationship with my family, my friends, myself. It is the formalization of the bond I have already chosen. It doesn’t make it less special, but I don’t want to fall into the trap where marriage is the climax of my life, the special moment, the best moment.