I go from 0 to 100 real quick in terms of hunger and sleep. One minute I am okay, another hungry, and then I feel like I don’t even remember the last time I had food. With sleep it’s more I am tired, I could fall asleep, then I am asleep. And when I am hungry and sleepy and it’s gone to the point where I want option 3, instant food or instant sleep and can’t get it, I am a wreck and a mean person, totally snappy. Because for me it’s already gotten to that point where it is already taken such a toll on me.
But I think it’s more complicated than just being hungry. I wondered, why does it do this for me? And then I hit upon the answer. I am denying it. When I am not on my own, and in control of my food, I don’t want to cause a stir or cause a scene and scream, “GET ME FOOD RIGHT NOW I WANT TO EAT A CAR!”. I don’t want to be dramatic or emotional. I want to try to deny the inevitable rage until the moment I can’t anymore. I try to politely express my desire for food. I want to be easy going and be flexible. I don’t want to be the neurotic person who everyone needs to have fed or we can’t go anywhere. I am worried about causing a stir, making people go out of their way. For real, and totally nonsensically, I am afraid of drinking lots of liquids before I set off for fear of needing to use the restroom and having no access. That is the extent to which my fear of confrontation or standing up or whatever you want to call it can get.
In England I just packed meals everywhere. A lot of food ended up going bad, but I needed to make sure I always had snacks and always had food because it was never certain. I ended up giving food away at the end of the day because I had too much, or because I ended up buying Island food. For me, Island food is food I would only end up eating starving on a deserted Island. I bought it, because at least I would have something in that awful scenario.
Yet in certain situations, that power is harder to come by. I am in a new place, I don’t have control over plans, or my location, or transport.
So I am starting to pack an emergency pack and essentials that go everywhere with me. The first necessity is a back pack. It needs to be smaller than a normal sized backpack, but larger than a purse. In this pack would go sunscreen, stain pens, anti-bacterial wipes and hand sanitizer, tissues, wet wipes, various small snacks (fresh and dry), water bottle, at least 20 dollars/euros, a nail file. And that’s all I can think of now. I also need a smaller travel wallet, because my normal wallet is so inconvenient.
Because I need to be in control of basic things like my eating or my situation. So I don’t become even more dramatic when I faint on the ground, or when I just refuse to walk any further.
Maybe I should call it my SOS bag, but that seems to typical….