Liljumper’s Adventures

I have never really though about what my dream was. I knew I wanted to pursue what makes me happy, and I have. I’ve studied literature, I like in Munich now. Some might say I’m living the dream.

But it wasn’t really a dream I had. It’s not like I spent nights awake thinking about it, dreaming about it when I was young. They were conscious choices to make to follow what made me happy.

In a sense, maybe that’s all you can ask of a dream.

But now that I’m here, I’m left with this idea, what is my dream?

What is my dream job, my dream house?

In some respects, maybe living in an idealized future isn’t the healthiest, but in another sense, having a goal, somewhere to go, seems like something I need.

I’m at a point in my life where I’m beginning to wonder, what’s next? What is the next decision I make to make myself happy, where will it take me and what will I be doing?

I’ve been thinking more and more and I don’t know if I want to teach. I could teach, but I don’t know if that’s something I want to do.

Getting here and doing what I’ve been doing would seem a waste if I ended up just doing something I could, not what makes me happy.

But what makes me happy?

Do I need to find my dream?

I admit everyone has down moments, times it’s hard to pick themselves up again. And I feel that. But what I’m talking about is consistent behavior where someone won’t take care of themselves.

It’s hard, because then you just are put into a role where you are taking care of them. I know everyone has limits and what not, and it’s important to give people time and space to change, but I’m just speaking from my own perspective.

And, as a disclaimer, I know I do things like this. I don’t speak up for myself enough, and I know that this, to others, will be exactly what bugs me. I am pretty human.

But what I’m upset about it is that it’s hard. And believe me the hypocrisy is not lost on myself.

But despite us all having those little things that we can’t change or get over, or habits we have, that bugs others, we all have that friend who can’t help themselves, who always complains about that one thing, and we all have that moment where we are frustrated.

It’s not about not loving someone, it’s not about hating them, it’s a very human feeling of frustration.

Whether that be, ‘I want my friend to see she’s not ugly, but is so astonishingly beautiful’ or ‘I want me friend to see themselves like I do’. We all think that at one point.

And it’s this reminder that we’re all human. Sometimes we can’t see what’s straight in front of our noses. We can’t see it, but everyone else can.

I’m not saying put yourselves in everyone’s shoes or take everyone’s judgement seriously, but I think it’s a worthwhile experience every once in a while to take a step back.

Last weekend I did a lot more than I usually do, and even more planned for this weekend!

Last weekend it was Halloween, on Thursday I had a date night and we made steak. It was delicious and nice to just reconnect. Since school has started, schedules are getting longer and more difficult to synchronize.

On Friday, we met up with a friend of a friend. It was really lovely to talk with fellow people who were experiencing a culture shock as well. Bonding over differences in culture.

On Saturday, I went to see Maze Runner. The film left something to be desired, but overall it was okay. There were some differences to the books, which I got through before the film to prepare myself that left me feeling a bit more dissatisfied with the movie. But overall it was nice to see the things in my head played out by real people.

On Sunday, I attended a Graham Waterhouse concert which was phenomenal. I rarely go to concerts, but I really enjoyed it. It made me super nostalgic about violin playing, and it made me want to see more!

I thought I would just do a general difference post for anyone who isn’t aware of how the education system seems to work here.

It varies a lot by subject and school, but at least for me here the differences are as follows.

There aren’t many assignments throughout the semester which contribute to your final grade. Instead there is just one assessment that consists of your whole grade.

The grading here isn’t A-F, but 1-5 with 1 being the best and 5 being the worst. Additionally it doesn’t go 1.1,1.2, but it goes in different multiples. For example, 1.0, 1.3.

Instead of meeting 2/3 times a week, we meet just once a week for a technical 2 hours, but a observed hour and a half. Many courses have a start 15 minutes late and end 15 minutes early rule. Only two of my courses here, out of 6, follow a strict adherence to the time posted in the course listing.

For some courses, attendance isn’t monitored at all, whether through a sign in, or TA’s that track it. I have a lecture which is full to capacity and there’s no way or tracking who is there or not.

The students are usually referred to by their last names, not first. This differs by the teacher with 2 courses of mine that follow this procedure.

These are just some details about the differences I have encountered at the university level.

I recently heard something a friend said about my drinking habits and was really angry.

I have been having some new experiences with drinking. I got the most drunk of my life a couple times, well once before and then the second time just upped the ante. Although the first time was much worse in my opinion.

But I don’t remember a lot of it.

Oh and a side note, this experience has been an anomoly of my life, twice in my life, and percentage wise compared to my other mundane normal experiences, so small. But that’s not the point of it.

And let me stress I’m not this person who does a lot of drinking or anything, which is why this is important. I am still learning and exploring my limits in safe environments. I didn’t drink a lot as a teenager or the past couple years, but being involved in a scene that can go dancing and a different cultural atmosphere, I’ve immersed myself a bit in it.

In a safe way.

But what struck  me about this comment was, “is it so hard to restrain yourself”. And instantly it was so judgemental, not out of a place of concern, just pure judgement. And it struck me and made me so angry.

For one, society has taught me to apologize. To make it seem like I’m not ‘that girl’ that one that drinks and gets stupid drunk. And what is up with that?

Why do I feel I need to justify myself, by saying, I made a mistake, but I’m really a good person, believe me, I promise.

What is so messed up with that?

We are all human and we all make mistakes. We have stories that live with us through life of the silly stupid mistakes we make. And even more, we learn from them.

Each of my stupid silly mistake I have learned from. I have suffered for, but emerged knowing myself and my limits better. I have learned.

And without any damage to me or my life or relationships, that is what matters to me.

To the people I love and am totally honest with, I still feel the need to justify myself.

Well, to be frank, no. I am in my early twenties living life. I don’t justify or excuse or apologize. If I’ve hurt someone, then yes, but for making mistakes? No.

I don’t want it to seem like now I’m going to be reckless and go crazy, no. Because I’m me, and you know who I am.

This experience doesn’t change me, it doesn’t alter me. It makes me more me. It makes me a  more whole person with more experiences and knowledge.

But it made me so angry.

Because don’t we already live in a society without enough blaming and guilt?

Don’t I live in a position that gets enough of that?

Look sexy, but not too sexy because then you’re asking for it. Be smart, but not obnoxious because then you’re a bitch, drink with us, but not too much because then you’re sloppy. It’s always a delicate balance of what is accepted and either extreme is shamed. Either I’m frigid or a bitch. And I have to apologize constantly for both.

I can’t be on the direct line, nor am I really either. I am a complex mix, a spectrum that isn’t defined by shame and policing.

From my friends I expect love, compassion, and understanding. I expect them to accept me regardless, to know when to step in, but also to trust me when I say, it happened and now I’ve learned.

We live in a society built around creating boundaries policed by shame and guilt.

But we don’t have to.

Whenever one walks into a new classroom, introductions are soon to follow. The question usually pops up, “what are your hobbies?” or “what do you do after school?” I got that question a lot. I’ve always gotten that question, it’s pretty standard. But even though I have so much experience with it, and can predict when the question will occur, I have no idea what to say. Ever.

I always struggle in the moment and say reading, or traveling. But I really don’t know. I guess reading is definitely a hobby, but when you’re doing an English Master’s, reading is sort of a given. If you don’t like to read, and doing a Literature degree, then it’s sort of confusing.

But I never know what to say. What are my other hobbies? In my free time I’ve been watching shows, writing these blog posts, watching youtube videos. Nothing fancy, I don’t go to the theater or the cinema a lot. I lead a pretty normal, boring?, life.

Even after thinking about this, I still don’t know what my hobbies are.

Maybe walking outside if I can.

In my degree plan, the semesters are organized by modules. Each semester you have to take two modules, and you can take them from any of the three branches of the department. But once you start a module, you have to finish it. It’s not as easy as mixing and matching courses, or even taking courses for fun. So that was a shock.

But it put things into perspective for me. If I want to take this English Language Teaching course, which I originally wanted to for fun and to try it out, I need to finish the module. So if I write this exam, I am locked into finishing the module, regardless of interest in the other courses.

It feels like I’m being edged into a corner.

I could teach, I could be a teacher. But I don’t know if I want to. My heart doesn’t want to be one. It doesn’t get me excited.

But it’s the only back up plan I have. Even though the degree/module I would be going after would only occur in a very small situation. Since it’s the only one I have, I feel hard pressed to relinquish it, but it feels…wrong on some level.

But if I let it go, what do I do?

I feel really upset when people waste my time. When I try to do something for them, have a question, and then they don’t get back to me. Because I take the time out of my day, my life, to do something for them, not me, and they leave me hanging, just waiting on them. That’s a small example, but it’s just something I get upset with a lot.

It’s not I feel that my time is gold and I’m the best ever, but I do feel like it’s worth something and shouldn’t be wasted for no reason.

Furthermore, I feel it’s disrespectful to me. As if, Do you not respect me so much, you think my time is worth nothing?

Having just written the last post, I feel a tension between caring about my time, being impatient, and being good willed.

Isn’t my time worth something? Shouldn’t people respect that and get back to me in a timely matter? I don’t feel it’s rude or necessarily impatient (within reason). I value my time. I have many things I need to do and want to do just for me.

Isn’t it right to put my interests first sometimes? To be honest about my desires? To want others to see that?

Maybe I could be better about managing my anger and impatience, but the theory, I think, is still sound.

I read this post some time ago, and it hit me hard.

I apologize/feel guiltily for almost all of the things on this list.

I needed some time for that to sink in.

It’s such a shock, because seeing it so plainly here, why is that how I feel?

Why should I feel….

Sorry for promoting myself, asking someone to move, not looking ‘put together’, being upset, accidental physical contact, reminding someone about something they need to be reminded about, asking someone to stop doing something annoying, asking for something, needing time for myself, and asking questions.

Why is this?! It’s so backward. I am shaking my head at myself.

Why do I feel like this?

I feel as if when I promote myself, it’s almost shameless. I don’t feel that way when others do it, but when I do, I feel almost like it’s a cheap gimmick. Like I’m asking for attention. And I feel that’s bad, I feel like I shouldn’t draw attention to myself. I don’t think I am horrible, I don’t think I feel terrible about myself (in some things), but I do feel, for some reason, I shouldn’t toot my own horn. Don’t I deserve that? To have people know?

Asking someone to move. I don’t even say excuse me first, my instinct is to say ‘Sorry’. Why? Because I guess I’m sorry they should have to move for me. I don’t feel mad when people ask me to move. It almost seems like I should be able to get out without inconveniencing someone else. As if they shouldn’t have to move for me. I’ll just let that sentence sink in for a little. Why is that? Is it really horrible for them to have to move a step back?

Do all these things have to do with self worth? Do I really not feel worth it? Not worth the time, the promotion, the space? Woah….

Not looking put together. I’ve always approached school as my job. I am a student, and because of that, I should treat it professionally. I should wear proper clothes, look as if I’m going to job (i.e. not show up in pajamas). And so I do feel guilty about ‘not looking put together’ when people come over (even if it’s the same person, everyday, for the whole day). Just the other day, I decided to wear sweatpants when our friend came over (who comes over frequently, for many hours on end, for days in a row). I feel guilty I’m not ‘looking my best’ or ‘looking presentable’. Why? I’m dressed. I don’t spend days walking around in sweatpants. This is the first time I’ve even owned a proper pair, and only as hand me downs. Even when going grocery shopping or something, I feel this need to be ‘put together’.

Being upset…Gosh this just upsets me too! I do feel like if I’m ‘being too emotional’, I should feel guilty. As if I need to have complete control over my emotions all the time, and that expressing one too much is shameful. I should be able to control myself. I feel guilty and apologize….so backward. But I feel it. Not as much anymore being here, but I used to a lot.

Accidental contact. This is just a reflex for me. I don’t even know why. Am I sorry I touched them without their permission? Yeah. Not even a whole hearted yes, but a yeah. Do I feel sorry they might feel uncomfortable? I want to shake myself and say, ‘Look yeah, it was an accident, okay?’. Even now, I feel the battle of wills: shouldn’t I still say sorry? Everyone does it!

For me, why is it I feel I must say, sorry, not excuse me?

Reminding someone about something they need to be reminded about. I feel this all the time. I feel guilty, I don’t know how to approach it. An example, ‘Sorry, but shouldn’t you be leaving now?’. As if I’m sorry I need to help someone. This one is so strange to me. But I do feel guilty, as if they will be upset with me for trying to help them. As if they will turn at me, give me an icy glare, and say mind your own business, or stay out of it, or yell at me.

Asking someone to stop doing something annoying. I feel this all the time. Yesterday I was in the subway and I saw a bunch of children playing with a loose balloon that hit some older passengers on the head and they were being such small child brats. I almost feel like I shouldn’t intrude on other people’s choice to infringe on, in my opinion, the common good.

Am I too concerned about people’s rights that I don’t care about my own?

Asking for something. As if this would inconvenience people or bother them.

Needing time for myself. Like if I take time for myself, it would upset other people, so I should feel guilty for this in advance.

Asking questions. Especially ones I think might be ‘stupid’.

 

Wow this post got a bit out of hand to me, it had a mind of its own, and it was sort of crazy. I thought a lot about myself.

 

I went outside the other day without  make up. And it wasn’t like, ‘I look fabulous’, it was there are some things I would change, or don’t like, but I am going regardless.

It cut down on my get ready time and I didn’t feel the need throughout the day to check. Let’s be clear though, I don’t even wear that much makeup, just a light foundation and eye makeup. I don’t take an inordinate time on it, unless I want to pamper myself, and it is never over the top.

But it’s still something I think about. I take pride in looking polished and professional, but I don’t think you need make up to do so. It’s about the way you carry yourself.

And it was oddly freeing to just walk out. Knowing that I wasn’t. I don’t know if people notice me or even see the difference, but I did. It’s so complex and hard to explain the reasons I do. But I like it as prepping a fresh canvas to experiment on.