I recently heard something a friend said about my drinking habits and was really angry.
I have been having some new experiences with drinking. I got the most drunk of my life a couple times, well once before and then the second time just upped the ante. Although the first time was much worse in my opinion.
But I don’t remember a lot of it.
Oh and a side note, this experience has been an anomoly of my life, twice in my life, and percentage wise compared to my other mundane normal experiences, so small. But that’s not the point of it.
And let me stress I’m not this person who does a lot of drinking or anything, which is why this is important. I am still learning and exploring my limits in safe environments. I didn’t drink a lot as a teenager or the past couple years, but being involved in a scene that can go dancing and a different cultural atmosphere, I’ve immersed myself a bit in it.
In a safe way.
But what struck me about this comment was, “is it so hard to restrain yourself”. And instantly it was so judgemental, not out of a place of concern, just pure judgement. And it struck me and made me so angry.
For one, society has taught me to apologize. To make it seem like I’m not ‘that girl’ that one that drinks and gets stupid drunk. And what is up with that?
Why do I feel I need to justify myself, by saying, I made a mistake, but I’m really a good person, believe me, I promise.
What is so messed up with that?
We are all human and we all make mistakes. We have stories that live with us through life of the silly stupid mistakes we make. And even more, we learn from them.
Each of my stupid silly mistake I have learned from. I have suffered for, but emerged knowing myself and my limits better. I have learned.
And without any damage to me or my life or relationships, that is what matters to me.
To the people I love and am totally honest with, I still feel the need to justify myself.
Well, to be frank, no. I am in my early twenties living life. I don’t justify or excuse or apologize. If I’ve hurt someone, then yes, but for making mistakes? No.
I don’t want it to seem like now I’m going to be reckless and go crazy, no. Because I’m me, and you know who I am.
This experience doesn’t change me, it doesn’t alter me. It makes me more me. It makes me a more whole person with more experiences and knowledge.
But it made me so angry.
Because don’t we already live in a society without enough blaming and guilt?
Don’t I live in a position that gets enough of that?
Look sexy, but not too sexy because then you’re asking for it. Be smart, but not obnoxious because then you’re a bitch, drink with us, but not too much because then you’re sloppy. It’s always a delicate balance of what is accepted and either extreme is shamed. Either I’m frigid or a bitch. And I have to apologize constantly for both.
I can’t be on the direct line, nor am I really either. I am a complex mix, a spectrum that isn’t defined by shame and policing.
From my friends I expect love, compassion, and understanding. I expect them to accept me regardless, to know when to step in, but also to trust me when I say, it happened and now I’ve learned.
We live in a society built around creating boundaries policed by shame and guilt.
But we don’t have to.