Liljumper’s Adventures

I had this mini revelation the other day. I have a pretty busy schedule sometimes, whether it be from actual work, or my inflated sense of worth. And lots of times I think, ‘I don’t have time for that’. Whether it be actual laziness or this idea that I don’t have the time, the activities that fall under those range from exercising, brushing my teeth, etc.

It’s crazy and a lot of the things on this list are things for myself. Do I just consistently put myself on the back burner and convince myself that I don’t have time to take care of myself. That’s messed up.

At the end of the day I have only myself and this one body.

I should take the time for myself, for exercising, for my teeth, for vitamins.

I am worth that time.

And even when I have school, when I am running late, I should remember this. I am worth that time.

That time is investing in myself, my future health, my future sanity, my future well being.

Shouldn’t that be among the most important things?

It is clearly necessary to have balance, and I’m not saying throw all my priorities to the wind, but to recognize that some things are more important. My situation is not permanent, but I am. Well not permanent, but you get what I mean.

My priorities need a bit of reshuffling. But instead of feeling stressed about that, it feels good.

I want to feel worth it to myself. I want to invest in myself.

This weekend I had a couple things going on.

Friday I went for dinner with friends and we ended up staying at the restaurant for four hours! It was crazy and we were the earliest ones to leave.

Saturday, we spontaneously decided to go to a natural gorge. It was fantastic and so beautiful. The weather was perfect and the hiking was great.

Sunday was a catch up day, to write blog posts and do homework.

It was a unusual weekend, but I hope that my next weekends will always have something unusual going on.

Since I haven’t really found a group on my own friends yet. I have friends here, just not ones that I have found myself. There is a different and I shall explain below.

To me the friends I have here are great. They are so sweet and have been so kind to me. But if I needed them, over my partner, like if something happened, I don’t know where they would stand. Actually that’s a lie, I hope they would be with my partner. I think that’s where their loyalty lies. I am not upset about it, they were friends first, but I’m just saying I miss my friends.

I miss my friends that would be with me no matter what. That I would call almost everyday when I walked down a dark street. That I knew would have my back no matter what, that I’ve been friends with for years, that have seen me through thick and thin and everything in between. That I could be silent on the phone with for minutes and not even care. That I needed to add to my phone plan. That I knew would come pick me up in the middle of the night if I needed. That would support me no matter what, that would tell me the truth, even if they hated my decisions, but would support me when I did my own thing and failed.  I miss them.

And I haven’t found anyone here to rival that. I don’t want to insult or be rude to the friends I have here. I know they are incredibly supportive. But the friendships I miss are those that have hardened over years, have weathered the storms, and are strong no matter how long we don’t talk for.

But we are all in different spots in our lives and separate now. I am so happy for them, so proud for them, and love them. I know we will be friends. So all you all, just know I’m thinking of you. No one shall replace you.

Or should it be Adjustment.?

I am finally, slowly, feeling so much more settled. The past week I stumbled upon this cute awesome natural store where I was able to pick up some cold pressed organic Jojoba oil, Vegetable glycerin, and aloe vera gel.

It was so great and I was able to navigate it all in German! This doesn’t really surprise me, but it does make me proud.

I had despaired because I want to treat my body and skin better and give it yummy good for it ingredients. Finding it really expensive on amazon.de, I was thrilled to find this store, and right around the corner from my university! It’s like a bit of home. I don’t have to order it from the US or the UK, I can buy it here. I can support this local business while experimenting. It makes me really happy.

Additionally, every day more school stuff is sorted and I am able to settle really well into a good routine.

Yay to settling in!

I spent most of the weekend alone here. To be precise, Friday evening, Saturday, and some of Sunday morning.

It’s the first time since I got here, or even in my whole time in Germany that this has happened.

It made me really sad and unmotivated. At first I felt paralyzed by feeling down, not really knowing what to do. It was really lonely and sobering. I know one of the main reasons, the most important one, I came here is for my relationship and without a constant visual reminder it was unsettling. I kind of thought, what now? What do I do now that I’m alone here? And suddenly the things I had to do all just seemed not as important, made me realize what I was doing.

I kind of wallowed in that for the better part of the day, relaxing, trying to do some exercise, eat, try to plan the day.

And then I had this moment, where I picked myself up and said, no.

No.

I have things I want to do here, things I’ve committed myself to.

I work out for me. This is mine. I do work because I take pride in being prepared and my school work. I can go grocery shop because I have made a commitment to try to make more of my food, instead of buying it already made (although I’m going to eat fish tonight, which I cannot make at all, so will buy. Baby steps!). These are all mine.

Whatever reasons I had to get here, my choices are my own. It was a moment of ownership. Being forced to confront my motivation for here, all the past months I may have been a bit resentful, everything. It was my chance to decide what to do, what I should, just alone.

I’m not saying I won’t feel, at times, tidbits of remorse or resentment, but I am saying, this is a mini crest of the hill.

In the future the schedules will be different, I’ll make new, my own, friends here, I’ll have other commitments, and they are mine. They exist within me as uniquely my own.

I just want to preface this, I love books. So I fully anticipate posts upon posts about books and my interaction with them. You were warned (but not in a mean way, a totally nice way).

I love love books. There’s nothing that replaces the feel of one in my hand. I think about this as I’ve just completed my second book order this week. To my defense, the first was all (except one) school books I needed AND the second one had the remaining books (less than half) I needed. But there’s something that doesn’t feel like home until I’m settled in.

For people that’s different. For some it’s when they’ve unpacked, when they have a shelf, etc. I did feel more at home when I had a shelf, when I had unpacked, but nothing beats how I feel to open the cabinet and look at the books, both mandatory, for fun, and used. It’s comforting. Like friends sitting on a shelf, out of sight of everyone, my personal secret. They wait for me and they all have a story. Obviously they have their story, but they have our story. We, me and each book, have a story together, our first reading, when I found it, it’s trials, it’s tribulations, it’s travels.

Maybe what I love is that, to me, they’re little parts of myself. They reflect the time and love and me that I’ve poured into them with each read, each trip, and each page turn. They all call me, beckon me, and say ‘Remember when!’.

I’ve picked up each of those books one person, and put them down another. Each of them represents a journey of mine, a transition, a change.

I have so many books I want to read!

Let’s just ignore, for a second my over 12 page (last updated about a year ago) book list including everything from utopian fiction to the classics. Let’s also ignore the tens of pictures of books on my phone I want to read, or my goodreads book list.

But even besides those things. Just this semester, I want to read so much. I have the Bones books I want to finish, as well as the required reading I have, as well as the opportunity to join two book clubs. One that meets every other week, which, realistically, will be near to impossible, and another that meets every month. So I fall asleep chanting books, books, books.

But what do you expect when you’re an English major and you love reading?

This. For the rest of my life I guess.

And even though it can be a little confusing and overwhelming, I love it. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t. I wouldn’t be who I was if I didn’t. It’s chaotic and a bit stressful, totally quirky, and eclectic. I like it. And I think that’s just who I am.

I enjoy making lists. I make them all the time and everywhere. I have this irrational desire to post them everywhere, near my bathroom sink, near the mirror, on the book case, on the back of train tickets, in my notebooks.

To me, lists satisfy this urge to write things down, to organize my thoughts, put them in a list, and cross them off. It gives me a profound sense of accomplishment to cross something off my list. I feel so much more organized. Things fly from my head and lists are a quick way to remember all the things I want to do. But I also get this sense of pride when I finish a list and can throw it out. It just epitomizes accomplishment to me.

Is this the same for you?

I have realized a lot of things this summer. I have realized that people watch as others do bad things and they never say something. I have seen people be apathetic, watch the world crumble around them and stay removed.

I have learned a lot. I have suffered a couple things that have made me think about my mentality and see that it will probably change.

I have seen people become the bystander, seen things happen and say nothing. Know that their actions are wrong and never say anything. Whether that be someone manipulating others and their friends never saying anything or whether it be those who cheat on their friends. It’s this idea that people don’t feel compelled to act or speak up.

I have seen that some things that you care about are left to chance, no matter how much you try to be prepared. I have seen that life can be unfair, no matter what.

But is this a good thing? Should I just accept these things and move on? I don’t think so. I don’t think, more importantly, I can.

Things should be made more fairer. People should be held accountable. Just because this is the way it is doesn’t mean it should be. We should all speak up to help those around us. We shouldn’t let silence make us culpable. As one of the Green brothers said (in my loose paraphrase) we shouldn’t look away. I have experienced these new things, but I want to remain myself. I don’t want to live jaded, but I want to try to make things better.

I want to surround myself with people who will speak up. I want to be better about speaking up. I want to work towards a system that will be more fair. I want to try to give people fair chances. I don’t believe that this is the way life is and should be. If I can, I will do my best to do my part.

1) There is a different attitude towards education

2) Queuing is different, as in there’s not usually one

3) Things are smaller, like refrigerators