I spent most of the weekend alone here. To be precise, Friday evening, Saturday, and some of Sunday morning.
It’s the first time since I got here, or even in my whole time in Germany that this has happened.
It made me really sad and unmotivated. At first I felt paralyzed by feeling down, not really knowing what to do. It was really lonely and sobering. I know one of the main reasons, the most important one, I came here is for my relationship and without a constant visual reminder it was unsettling. I kind of thought, what now? What do I do now that I’m alone here? And suddenly the things I had to do all just seemed not as important, made me realize what I was doing.
I kind of wallowed in that for the better part of the day, relaxing, trying to do some exercise, eat, try to plan the day.
And then I had this moment, where I picked myself up and said, no.
No.
I have things I want to do here, things I’ve committed myself to.
I work out for me. This is mine. I do work because I take pride in being prepared and my school work. I can go grocery shop because I have made a commitment to try to make more of my food, instead of buying it already made (although I’m going to eat fish tonight, which I cannot make at all, so will buy. Baby steps!). These are all mine.
Whatever reasons I had to get here, my choices are my own. It was a moment of ownership. Being forced to confront my motivation for here, all the past months I may have been a bit resentful, everything. It was my chance to decide what to do, what I should, just alone.
I’m not saying I won’t feel, at times, tidbits of remorse or resentment, but I am saying, this is a mini crest of the hill.
In the future the schedules will be different, I’ll make new, my own, friends here, I’ll have other commitments, and they are mine. They exist within me as uniquely my own.