I read this post some time ago, and it hit me hard.
I apologize/feel guiltily for almost all of the things on this list.
I needed some time for that to sink in.
It’s such a shock, because seeing it so plainly here, why is that how I feel?
Why should I feel….
Sorry for promoting myself, asking someone to move, not looking ‘put together’, being upset, accidental physical contact, reminding someone about something they need to be reminded about, asking someone to stop doing something annoying, asking for something, needing time for myself, and asking questions.
Why is this?! It’s so backward. I am shaking my head at myself.
Why do I feel like this?
I feel as if when I promote myself, it’s almost shameless. I don’t feel that way when others do it, but when I do, I feel almost like it’s a cheap gimmick. Like I’m asking for attention. And I feel that’s bad, I feel like I shouldn’t draw attention to myself. I don’t think I am horrible, I don’t think I feel terrible about myself (in some things), but I do feel, for some reason, I shouldn’t toot my own horn. Don’t I deserve that? To have people know?
Asking someone to move. I don’t even say excuse me first, my instinct is to say ‘Sorry’. Why? Because I guess I’m sorry they should have to move for me. I don’t feel mad when people ask me to move. It almost seems like I should be able to get out without inconveniencing someone else. As if they shouldn’t have to move for me. I’ll just let that sentence sink in for a little. Why is that? Is it really horrible for them to have to move a step back?
Do all these things have to do with self worth? Do I really not feel worth it? Not worth the time, the promotion, the space? Woah….
Not looking put together. I’ve always approached school as my job. I am a student, and because of that, I should treat it professionally. I should wear proper clothes, look as if I’m going to job (i.e. not show up in pajamas). And so I do feel guilty about ‘not looking put together’ when people come over (even if it’s the same person, everyday, for the whole day). Just the other day, I decided to wear sweatpants when our friend came over (who comes over frequently, for many hours on end, for days in a row). I feel guilty I’m not ‘looking my best’ or ‘looking presentable’. Why? I’m dressed. I don’t spend days walking around in sweatpants. This is the first time I’ve even owned a proper pair, and only as hand me downs. Even when going grocery shopping or something, I feel this need to be ‘put together’.
Being upset…Gosh this just upsets me too! I do feel like if I’m ‘being too emotional’, I should feel guilty. As if I need to have complete control over my emotions all the time, and that expressing one too much is shameful. I should be able to control myself. I feel guilty and apologize….so backward. But I feel it. Not as much anymore being here, but I used to a lot.
Accidental contact. This is just a reflex for me. I don’t even know why. Am I sorry I touched them without their permission? Yeah. Not even a whole hearted yes, but a yeah. Do I feel sorry they might feel uncomfortable? I want to shake myself and say, ‘Look yeah, it was an accident, okay?’. Even now, I feel the battle of wills: shouldn’t I still say sorry? Everyone does it!
For me, why is it I feel I must say, sorry, not excuse me?
Reminding someone about something they need to be reminded about. I feel this all the time. I feel guilty, I don’t know how to approach it. An example, ‘Sorry, but shouldn’t you be leaving now?’. As if I’m sorry I need to help someone. This one is so strange to me. But I do feel guilty, as if they will be upset with me for trying to help them. As if they will turn at me, give me an icy glare, and say mind your own business, or stay out of it, or yell at me.
Asking someone to stop doing something annoying. I feel this all the time. Yesterday I was in the subway and I saw a bunch of children playing with a loose balloon that hit some older passengers on the head and they were being such small child brats. I almost feel like I shouldn’t intrude on other people’s choice to infringe on, in my opinion, the common good.
Am I too concerned about people’s rights that I don’t care about my own?
Asking for something. As if this would inconvenience people or bother them.
Needing time for myself. Like if I take time for myself, it would upset other people, so I should feel guilty for this in advance.
Asking questions. Especially ones I think might be ‘stupid’.
Wow this post got a bit out of hand to me, it had a mind of its own, and it was sort of crazy. I thought a lot about myself.
It’s a matter of degree. All of those things are normal and perfectly acceptable, to a degree. We draw a line for ourselves, and we feel guilty after we cross the line. Some people draw the line very low and feel guilty instantly. That’s not good for themselves. Others draw the line very high and never apologize or feel guilty. That’s not good for those that they offend. Draw your lines in a way that lets you feel good about yourself, which I know also will let everyone else feel good about you.