Author: Liljumper

As you can tell from the title, that’s not a word. Today I immatriculated into Uni here. It was a huge chaotic time consuming process, but I did it. After waiting in three rooms for a long time and encountering many students who, I felt, were both lazy and not knowing what to do (or when they did, cheating to get it done!) I finally did it. Then I went and applied for my study permit, and got that to. So yay me. It was a long process and it was intense. I thought I would feel really great and accomplished after, but instead I feel just stressed. Now that it’s finally over, there’s still a million small things to do and it’s stressful in and of itself. Now I finally feel like things are moving, and moving fast. It’s like I’ve taken a pebble away from a dam and things are moving fast and consuming. It’s hard not to get caught up. It should be excitement first on my brain, but I now feel like I’m nitpicking on all the small things I need to be doing and ways I need to be preparing…is this how it’s supposed to feel?

I have decided to start posting on a more regular schedule, but more so, in advance. It isn’t that I don’t do things that make me think, but often it’s hard to find time to write. For me, though, it’s more that I need to really want to write, and when I do, I write a lot. That’s why you might see multiple posts from me on the same day, but to not let so much time go between posts, I have set them up from now, hopefully, on. It makes me really happy, because I can put forth good posts, that I feel I have time to do, on a better schedule. Obviously if I have something that is going on, I can write an immediate post, but this makes me happy. I know this is a fairly short post, but it’s nice to me.

It makes me so happy, because it’s a schedule, it gives me a routine, it gives me a purpose, something to do. Although once school starts I will have a ton more to do. But this should help with that as well. This makes me happy. I can’t say that enough. The past month has been really sad and I’ve been so upset and had so much to think about. And I will have more, for sure, but I want to embrace this moment of happiness.

It has been a total uphill struggle with German for me, for a lot of reasons with myself, not the language. I am not half bad at it, and will only get better. I’ve been told that I’ve gotten better since I came here, so I hope that’s true. I have just decided that I am going to try. Like my progress into real life again, it’ll just be slow, with up and downs, but it will be moving forward, whatever happens.

I was recently watching a woman who suffers from Trichotillomania. I watch her youtube channel and started thinking about my own experiences. [By the way, just figuring out how to make these links makes me really happy and proud of myself!] I recently pulled out someone’s hair, who doesn’t have Trich (which is the abbreviation Rebecca uses) and we did that for a moment or two, to each other. And then I thought about her and how upsetting it would be for anyone who suffers from Trich. She recently spoke up about a scene from the Doctor Who television show, which I love, where he pulls out a hair and how it was a trigger (something that, as the word suggests, triggers someone). This is just some background for a thought I was having today about my own hair.

I was thinking it’s so long that I don’t like washing it sometimes because it’s so heavy. And it is long now! It’s at least halfway down my back. And I do love it, I think it looks beautiful and I love that I can braid it. But I felt incredibly guilty for thinking this because for those who suffer they might wish they had long hair or not be triggered, etc. It made me think about how I should just be thankful of what I have. I have spent a long time trying to grow my hair out. I want to be more respectful.

But it made me just think about all the things I have that might trigger, or upset, others. Not in a “People are going to be upset I dress like…look like”, but I mean in the sense of Trich. I don’t really know how to better explain it than that. It made me try to be more empathetic and love myself more. It makes me appreciate what I have, in a simple way. I know it’s such an old saying, to appreciate what you have, to be grateful, and I think, I thought I understood that. I have a roof over my head, I have wonderful parents, I have great friends, I have a fantastic partner, I can go buy food everyday (as is the custom here), I have electricity to boil some wonderful fruit tea, I have long black hair, and the list can go on forever. There’s so much I am thankful in my life.

To a large extent I always knew this, having been adopted and visiting the orphanage. So I knew that I was grateful and thankful for being able to have the opportunities I have had. But this puts the wonderfully small little things into perspective.

For the majority of my time here I have been oscillating between bouts of sadness and isolation to feeling slightly, but not longlastingly, motivated. It’s been a struggle to motivate myself, when all I want to do is rest, sleep, and read. And for a while I totally indulged in that, just letting myself do what I wanted to. It made me feel lethargic and lazy, but I was in a slump and not ready to move forward. I was coming down from years of pushing and work, and feeling horribly intense burnout. I let myself just read, or play, or lay around all day. But now that school will start later this month, I am invested in getting back into a routine and reestablishing some old habits. It feels good to get back into a rhythm again, have a to do list, and do things. I love resting, and I will have to balance it. As soon as I finish my list, I am going to give myself time to play. It’s just some things I was thinking of recently. Yay for slow progress to productivity!

I have been thinking about censorship and this anxiety I have about the blog. I wonder if I should censor my thoughts. I have a lot of feelings and thoughts about this. I realize in real life I censor myself too much, which I should do less. But I think about this blog, the thoughts that will be here on the internet forever.

I think in regards to this, I have to be patient with myself, I will change my mind, things won’t be the same, and I can, should, need to be, able to realize this.

I feel anxiety about publishing because I don’t know if the people I love and care about can accept or adapt or be upset. But if they are truly the people I care about, I am willing to talk with them, to say sorry if I have upset them, and I trust them. I shall give them the benefit of the doubt, mostly because, if there is a discussion or something, I believe it can strengthen our relationship. I know they are wonderful people, and I know they will be understanding as they always have been. I trust them to be able to read my thoughts and know I am not trying to be personal against certain people.

This needs to be the place for my thoughts, my experiences, to the people I care about. To tell them, over the distance, my thoughts. It is a sort of freeing thought to be able to not censor myself in that aspect. It’s a hard journey, it’s something I do so much, censor myself, that it’s hard to stop. I think “I shouldn’t” or “That doesn’t sound…”. And I’m not saying to unfilter myself, but to be able to say the things I want to say without having to worry.

So I am going to try. Because I want to be honest to myself. If these thoughts last forever on the internet. I might as well give it my best shot and be as honest to myself that I can be.

I recently, well maybe not that recently, found an article about people who were too concerned with taking pictures and selfies with a baby shark, that they killed it. They held it above water, handed it around, until it died. It was immensely sad, but for so many reasons.

1) Culture

I think one can see a cultural shift we have occurring, at least in Western society I have encountered. There’s the emphasis on living in the virtual world. Whether that be posting constant status updates or instragrams or tweets. I am not saying using these platforms is bad at all, I am just saying there is a cultural shift where people’s lives are playing out online. It’s people who consistently upload things for likes, tweets, instagram everything. It’s not about using the sites, it’s about what they use them for. I recently saw that when I was watching the pilot, Selfie. It’s about being able to balance experiencing one moment to to the other, and documenting it. Maybe this shift started slowly, when people began photographing things. And don’t get me wrong, I love photos. It’s not about the medium, it’s about what people are doing with it. It’s about valuing instant gratification, virtual relationships. It’s about the relationships. If you friend someone on facebook are they really your friend? Is it a degradation of the value and title of friend? As pictured in the show, would any of them actually come to help you? It requires taking a harder look at why one does these things. I remember having discussions about the value of likes, monetarily, etc and that’s all fine, but it’s about trying to get more facebook friends instead of friends that will come pick you up after a hard day of work. It’s about those friendships you find rarely that last your whole life. I have already seen how people’s communication can completely break down virtually. People who are more comfortable texting at the dinner table instead of talking. Those who can’t have a meal without their phones. Those who can only text instead of talk on the phone. Communication, relationships, and values. I am not preaching about the disadvantages of modern technology or anything, but I am asking myself to take a closer look.

2) Symbiotic Relationship with Nature

One of the books I had to read for my thesis had a significant emphasis on a symbiotic relationship with the Earth. There were a lot of issues and what not with the books, and this relationship wasn’t the main issue of the novel, but the article made me think of the book. While it wasn’t the utopic relationship that beings should have with nature, it was a step in the right direction. Because I think, to some extent, people think  of nature as a separate alien entity. Something to wonder at, something that surrounds them, but they don’t see themselves in nature. There isn’t a blending, a melding, or any connection. When I think that’s what is important. We aren’t just inhabitants, we are in nature. And Earth, this, is our home. We have to treat nature respectfully. We make a huge imprint. I think it should be our responsibility to make an imprint respectfully. Further more, there’s such a huge divide between animals and humans, that some people maintain. I am not going to deny there are differences with culture, language, biology, etc. But by maintaining such a strong difference makes it easier for people to pretend that these animals are “Other” and this makes it easier for people to disrespect and use them. I don’t have a solution. But I know that part of alienation will cause a lack of disrespect and compassion. And, as we can see around us, this can cause catastrophic consequences (hunting animals for sport or for trophies, bringing species to the brink of extinction).

3) Future?

And my main question is what does this say for our future? For my future kid’s relationships? Will they find their lover on a website? Will they need a phone in elementary school? Will they never feel a paper book in their hands? What will the future look like for them? It’s incredibly interesting to see around you, in your whole life how society changes, but it’s also important to really truly look. All I can think about, in regards to the future, is about my own behavior and my children’s.

I was thinking the other day about self doubt and wondering a couple of things. I was wondering where it stemmed from. For me, does it stem from a lack of self esteem? Or does it stem from a fear of failure and disappointment? I’m sure at different times or another it’s one of these, or even both. But I used to, before thinking, think that it was just a lack of self esteem. I am not so sure. There are some things I know I am not good at, whether that be actual activities like rock climbing, or less physical pursuits like taking risks. But here you have the two approaches I have to self doubt. In those physical things which I know I have little ability for, I think it’s just I know I’m not that great, sure I can improve, but I usually don’t. But with taking risks, it seems to be more so of the second reason for doubt, not the first. If I have to say anything concretely now, it’s that, for me, it’s a mixture of both. I have a pretty high fear of disappointment and failure. So for me, I feel a lot of it is that. And maybe the second reason factors into the first. If I fear I will fail and disappoint myself, maybe it’s just easier to think I’m completely rubbish at it.

So how to fix it…Well I guess the first, and more pressing thing is to embrace, in a sense, a better feeling towards failure (if you call it that) and disappointment. I feel I’m already working on this, mostly expressed through my German practice. And as a teacher once told me, it’s a learning experience. So maybe there is a, in a sense, easy fix. But while it seems like a couple sentences, it’s not actually that easy.

I recently added a subscriber function to this blog. It makes it feel much more real. If you want to be subscribed, just let me know. It’s exciting because it means people will read these. Maybe it also makes me more accountable? I have started setting a goal for posts per week, I haven’t decided upon it, so I can’t tell y’all yet, also because if I set one, then break it, well then I look a bit silly.

This week I received a letter of acceptance to a university for a master’s program. It was both thrilling and terrifying. It meant that what I set out to do, I did. So it was triumph and victory, but also laced with fear. It meant, this is real and you’re moving forwards. It signaled a sense of finality and surety. It meant that now I have to do so much more, get prepared to stay. It meant that you thought it was a challenge before, but you best be prepared for it to get more. More of everything, frustration, happiness, tears.

It was like walking through a threshold. Feeling changed and being presented with new opportunities. Now I have to open my hand and take them, make of them what I will, and embrace change.

I know this is pretty short, but it’s more of an update. I could sum up this post in three words. Exciting and terrifying.