I was thinking the other day about self doubt and wondering a couple of things. I was wondering where it stemmed from. For me, does it stem from a lack of self esteem? Or does it stem from a fear of failure and disappointment? I’m sure at different times or another it’s one of these, or even both. But I used to, before thinking, think that it was just a lack of self esteem. I am not so sure. There are some things I know I am not good at, whether that be actual activities like rock climbing, or less physical pursuits like taking risks. But here you have the two approaches I have to self doubt. In those physical things which I know I have little ability for, I think it’s just I know I’m not that great, sure I can improve, but I usually don’t. But with taking risks, it seems to be more so of the second reason for doubt, not the first. If I have to say anything concretely now, it’s that, for me, it’s a mixture of both. I have a pretty high fear of disappointment and failure. So for me, I feel a lot of it is that. And maybe the second reason factors into the first. If I fear I will fail and disappoint myself, maybe it’s just easier to think I’m completely rubbish at it.
So how to fix it…Well I guess the first, and more pressing thing is to embrace, in a sense, a better feeling towards failure (if you call it that) and disappointment. I feel I’m already working on this, mostly expressed through my German practice. And as a teacher once told me, it’s a learning experience. So maybe there is a, in a sense, easy fix. But while it seems like a couple sentences, it’s not actually that easy.