Liljumper’s Adventures

I wish that I could get all the people I love to take a survey of all the things they see about me. I feel like I get so caught up in how I see myself, that I would want to see how others see me. How they see me, how they see my image, what they perceive as flaws. I am so interested in this that I’ve thought about logistics about how I could get this done.

I watched a video on the internet about dealing with haters and criticism. They saw them as a critique and a way to possibly be better. To use the criticism, decide if they want to address it, or ignore it. I kind of want to do that, except I definitely don’t have the amount of guts she has. I am also a pretty mushy soft feely person. I take a lot of things personally and what not. But maybe that’s also a flaw people would say?

I am so intrigued. If I can ever find a way to do it, you will most certainly get an email from me.

Don’t you ever wonder about this? And I can’t think of any other people who I would value their opinions more. I know I’m not perfect, but I want to be better. I want to always try to be more. I realize I have flaws: I am so impatient, I have a quick temper. But I want to know if there’s more, no matter how small that I’m being blind to.

Just know you can always email me and let me know. I would appreciate the feedback.

Am I the only one? Maybe people would argue that the best way to do this would be to reflect alone and not be swayed by what others think. But I can be the most perfect person in my head, but being a good person is reflected in how I treat people.

 

It’s funny how there are just things that are not re-creatable.

Case in point: my mom’s eggs.

I have tried countless times to make the same, or make them better (which I have learned by now is impossible), but it’s only mom who knows how to make them moist, but dry. She has the perfect form and I’m sure even if she helped me learn, but it wouldn’t be the same.

Because there are just some things that stay as they are. They cannot be improved. So what happens? I just don’t eat scrambled eggs.

I’m not saying this as a sob story, I’m just reflecting on the way that some food, no matter what, can never be recreated.

Those beautiful, warm, moist, dry eggs are, and will always, be the best when, and only when, my mom makes them.

My mom did a lot of cooking and baking, so she’s pretty emblematic of food for me, eating, cooking, smelling, seeing. And lots of times I get by, I make quiches, I make cupcakes, and they’re fine alternatives. But these eggs, there is no replacement.

I guess it doesn’t help that I firmly believe there will never be a replacement (a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy huh?) but it is indeed what I believe.

And it’s what I want as well. Who cares I can’t really eat others eggs? (Although I have had some great eggs in the past, especially in Boston) they were fancy eggs, they weren’t every morning eggs for me. They didn’t come on oval plates. So I can eat eggs, just to clarify.

But for nostalgia sake they don’t compare to those plain eggs. But it’s okay with me. It’s okay for me not to try, because I know that it’s how I want it to be.

The eggs from my mom are the best because she pours all the love she has for me into them, she always has.

And that’s the best way I will ever be able to express it.

I love my mom’s scrambled eggs.

Everyone knows this. Whether it be romantic or not. They are totally just work. Don’t get me wrong, there’s fun and laughter and hope and all these things in between, but they don’t exist without work.

It takes work to make relationships…well, work. It takes listening to people’s complaints, arguing, and time to bond. It takes time to connect with someone. There are instant connections, but even to develop them takes work.

There’s this whole social dance of social engagement. Work to figure out when to ask someone out, what their vocal cues mean, where to go, what impression to give off. It takes work to decode this, like a translation.

But there’s the hard, sweaty, tearstained grit of the work. And sometimes, it just doesn’t work out. It’s totally hard and sometimes I want to give up. Work is hard, but nothing of worth happens easily. Even things that come easily, don’t stay easily. It takes effort and work to get something good, something great, something phenomenal from it.

And it’s okay to not. It’s okay to let it go. It’s okay to say, “hey, this work isn’t worth it”

But there’s just this conception with these ‘fairy tale romances’ where once the ‘love connection’ happens, it all just sort of falls into place. What happens to people once the story ends? Once the credits roll?

The work begins.

I wonder if people just want to leave behind a mark or something of themselves for the future. I wonder if people want to just have been part of something, something larger than themselves, a bit of history in the making.

Maybe we all just want to leave a mark. I kind of already thought that that is what we want, to make a mark, an impression, a marker that we were there, that the world saw us. It’s like a recognition of our life, our work, our hours on this Earth. A small ripple our life left behind, left for all of time, faint, but unmistakably there. Almost like a little part of our self remains long after we are gone, an impression of our hand in the sand.

We all did that, didn’t we? Make footprints in the sand and watch as the ocean washed them away. That is the impermanence of life, but don’t we all kind of want there to be a remnant of our presence? A sign that we were there?

That’s kind of why I love used books, to me, you can’t read a book without leaving some sort of sign: the way you mark a page, the way you bent the book when it lay in your bag, the way the edges are worn from the shelf, or the smell your perfume left when it leaked a little. We leave parts of ourselves behind in our books, our marks, our tear stains. And that’s what I love about used books.

There are so many different ways this title can be taken. It can be never settling on a person, on a job, on a life, or on oneself.

For me, it’s a general not settling.

I definitely agree don’t settle on someone. If I can’t see myself with someone in the future, the effort and heart isn’t worth it. I am a long term person, I want to cultivate relationships for time. I don’t do short term, short term relationships, short term friends. I want to be the type of person people think, ” we’ve been friends for so long and will be for more”.

I haven’t settle on a job. I love to learn. I think that’s one of my first loves and I haven’t given up on it. While I may not know what I’m doing at all in the future, I know that it’s not worth it to settle. Life is too short to do something I don’t love or doesn’t make me happy. We only have our one life and while we can do a lot of good, it’s uniquely ours.

I have tried to do what I felt in my heart was the right thing, even if it wasn’t the east choice.

What I have the most problem with is accepting, well maybe it can’t be any better and I should just settle. Whether it be, these pants fit okay, so let’s try it. That’s what inspired this story. I found three pairs of pants that were 70 percent what I was looking for, and I thought, “maybe it doesn’t get better than that” and I bought them. But then I just found two pairs, less expensive, which were 100 percent what I wanted and was looking for. And now I have five pairs of pants, three which are now dwarfed by the coolness of my two that fit like a dream. And now I sit wondering, “what do I do with them now?”So, I guess, if it’s not what I want, don’t do it. There will be exceptions I’m sure, but for sure with clothing if it’s not what I want, a million people make clothes, so go find what you want.

I know the perfect fit when I find it.

I feel like there are all these things around me cluttering me. I don’t know how much of this is metaphorical or realistic, but I feel like I am surrounded by clutter. It feels almost as if I’m walking around pushing around little fogs bubbles.

It’s really inspired me to start clearing things out, moving things, and getting rid of things.

I don’t need all of these things, whether it be face washes, boxes, or regret. There’s just too much. It’s like I want to do all these things, but I can’t get through the mess to it. It’s not inspiring and it makes doing things more difficult.

But it’s about walking through and decluttering in order to move forward. Because we surround ourselves with things, and in the end, they just exist for so long, whether it to be until they get used up, or until we get used up. What is left of us will be our stuff. I don’t want to be saddled down or saddle anyone else down. When I go, I want the things behind to reflect me, in my true essential self, not a lot of things that don’t accurately reflect me. If I don’t love it, don’t want it. I want to surround myself with things that enrich my life.

I watched a youtuber who talked about writing everyday what she was grateful for and I felt pretty inspired.

I used to try to keep a journal, but I could never get into the hang of it. Sometimes I would love it and write pages, and other times I didn’t want to see it. I guess this is now a part of my life and like a journal, but it’s something I can write a few posts and then come back to it in a week. There is no consistent daily writing process. It used to be like that, but I really need to write when I’m inspired. So, in short, this isn’t really a daily journal.

But everyday, no matter what, she writes what she is grateful for, big or small and she said that it has taught her to see the silver lining.

Now I think I can be pretty pessimistic sometimes and it takes me a really long time to see any silver lining. I can be obsessive, paranoid, and pessimistic. I usually assume the worst and it takes me a while to get out of that mode. But I would like to change that.

I want to be able to see the silver lining and to, more importantly, maintain a sense of perspective. Because I think that’s all about the ‘find a silver lining’ thing. It’s the idea that it’s bigger than we are and that there is a larger picture. Not everything is bad, and, as she states, sometimes it’s just as simple as being grateful to have a computer.

I can’t say I will write everyday, but I want to try. It would be nice to prove to myself I can make a commitment like this and change a routine, a symbolic sign I can change and commit to my words. And who knows, maybe it will make me more grateful as well. I hope so.

Gratitude is such a warm emotion. And I would like to be more warm.

When I feel guilty, especially in arguments, I tend to blame other people, usually the other person. It seems to be a default of mine. I know it’s the easy road out and it doesn’t actually solve anything. But I do it. I’m human. I hate that I do, and I’m trying not to, but I do.

I don’t want to.

It’s easy to say that, but I think, in general, I need to get better about accepting my own mistakes. People make them, I do all the time and I need to get better about accepting mine and other people’s.

This is a pretty big thing to ask and to do, but who really benefits from blame? I don’t feel better when I blame someone, especially if it’s because I feel guilty. And even if I did, what does that do? Does it solve the problem? I can’t think of a time when blame has been productive. There’s a difference to accepting and acknowledging mistakes, I think that’s a smart thing to do, but blaming, I don’t think so.

It’s pretty hard because a lot of time we blame others because we can’t face something in ourselves, or our own mistakes.

I’m especially bad at this. I hate making mistakes and when I do, it makes me upset and I hate to acknowledge them. But, as one of my high school professors taught me, it’s a learning experience. They are, but oh boy do I hate to have them.

But I’ve made a lot of mistakes in the past and some that have lead me to be the person I am today and I must pay homage to that. Who knows, I can look back to one day to these and think, if I hadn’t made that mistake then [insert something positive].

So from now on all I can say is I’ll try.

That all I can ever do really.

I’m about to leave the US now, but I want to reflect on something I had this break.

My mom and I hosted a women’s lunch. It was lovely and terrific, not only to see old friends, but to be surrounded by accomplished, smart, and wonderful women I have grown up besides. They’ve seen me through everything and been with me for years.

That’s who I want to be friends with, that’s the kind of community I want to build.

We don’t host much at my house, I do a bunch in Munich, but that’s the type of thing I want. I want to implement that when I go back to Munich, maybe a weekend women’s lunch.

I like being surrounded by a community of women. It’s lovely to have any community, but there’s something intoxicating about women. I can relate to them on a level, we talk about things that bounce around in my head and it’s great when there’s that moment where I can say, me too!

I want to have friends when I’m older where I’ve known for years and we get together to have lunches and to reminisce. I want to say, how is that person doing now. I want to talk about the things I’ve collected and my children. I want them to grow up in the same community I did, with the wonderful influences I did.

That lunch really made me very happy and I appreciated it so much.

I was asked recently, if you found out you had only one more year to live, what would you change about the way you were living. And the first thing I thought was, I would do more.

I would do more German, I would travel, I would spend more time with my friends, I would skype more, I would just do more.

I would do yoga, I would do push ups. I would do more.

There are so many minutes of my day I sit around, but I would use them.

I know it may be idealistic to say, I’d change everything, but when I was sitting at home, I would do yoga, or I would practice German.

I would make macaroons again.

I would just do more and more and more.

I want to be that person who people look at and say, wow. I want to be that person, where people say, oh her? She’s doing [insert blank]. I want to be known for my actions. I want to have thoughts and then act on them. I want to be the person I want to be in my dreams. There’s no reason to wait, to stop, to say I don’t have the time. I want to use the time. I want to make time. I want to invest the time in a better me, into the best me I can.

I really want to take this idea into the New Year. This year I want to do more.