Liljumper’s Adventures

I am such a crank when I don’t have enough sleep.

Not only am I so cranky, but I either spontaneously cry, or am almost crying the whole time.

I just can’t handle not enough sleep. Usually I’m fine to a certain point, but after that point, it’s just all over for me.  It’s almost as if when I hit a threshold of sleep deprivation of maybe…..70 percent, then after that I turn into a complete wreck.

So I am one of those people who needs sleep to do everything, function, be sane, not cry. With all the traveling and entertaining I have been sleeping around midnight and getting up, on average, at ten, which, seems like a lot, but never feels like enough. I miss my prime sleeping time.

When I was in the US I was going to be, latest, at eleven and waking up around eight and that was so perfect.  I am trying to get back to that, but it’s such a long process where you have to inch your way back up earlier and earlier. Which is hard when there are people over, or you’re jetlagged, or you are traveling.

Now that school starts, it won’t get any easier. Maybe it will in some ways because I will have a set schedule,  but I will have more work to do.

Also when I don’t get enough sleep, my whole health goes downhill. My system, when in balance, is really good, but when something tips, even a little, it’s a very slippery slope.

I need sleep. More and more of it. It’s a daily challenge.

I recently signed up for a Zumba class, thinking that these classes give me an incentive to need to work out. I usually do some sort of yoga and pilates, as well as lots of outside walking, but I wanted to expand my repertoire. I used to do a lot of dancing, and I truly miss it. I used to go outside and just dance in the driveway and it was really freeing and enjoyable, but I don’t have that kind of space anymore.

So I am going to try Zumba, which my sister loves, so that is encouraging, and see if that gives me back that sort of fun dancing feeling.

I was also thinking of trying to do ballet, there are tons of classes you can take. And I would love to do ballet again.

I felt so graceful when I did ballet, but also dance. I had such a concept of my body, the way it moved and felt and I miss that. I knew exactly how to make my body move and I wish that. I felt more confidence in it because of knowing how it moved and felt.

Yes, I probably need to do more dancing in general, because it truly makes me happy. I do it when I brush my teeth and what not, but I also want to learn more, to learn routines and what not.

So I am quite excited about Zumba, but also I want to think about other ways to get back into dancing.

As I mentioned in my last post, the Easter Monday was the first post in a while I had to write on the day and then post it. Usually I have some posts lined up that I have written in advance and schedule to appear.

I do this for multiple reasons, first of all, if I write about something that bothers me, or a strong emotion, I need days to cool off.

Secondly, I also usually need days to process something, and so I don’t just have small ideas, I need some days to process it and think about what I really want to say.

And thirdly, but probably the largest reason, is that I feel quite anxious when I am not on top of my work. And I consider my blog to be part of my work. So for the last week, it was a constant source of anxiety for me, worrying I couldn’t post the blog post on time, or get it done, and worrying about trying to figure out how I could do it.

It has been the end of some traveling for the month of March, first back to Germany, then to London, then to here, then we will travel back South all before school.

With me, traveling makes me very anxious, especially when it is with others. Not because they stress me, but when it’s all on me, I can easily just barrel through it and move on, but other people, lovely as they are, add other concerns and ideas.

So not only does traveling, being at the whims of others, and not being home to take care of what I want and myself, all is very stressful.

When things are very stressful for me, I find it difficult to express my feelings and I in end take a lot of feelings inside of myself, resulting in my anxious habits. My main one, after getting rid of one last year, is to pick the skin around my fingers. It sounds worse than it is, but when you have a loose piece of skin near your nail bed, like from a hang nail, that’s the habit. I don’t just sort of peel bits off.

Usually I don’t do this, and it helps me a lot if my nails are painted, but I’m not home to do this, and so it’s hard to manage the habit. When I am home, I will take off the remnants of my nail polish and hopefully, get this back under control.

It makes me feel very ashamed to have this habit, as it becomes painful sometimes, but also I don’t like having it at all.

But I have come to realize many people have nervous habits, and this is just one of mine. I need to accept it, which I have, and either manage it or leave it.

I am very glad to go home soon so I can do this.

First off, Happy Easter Monday!

Here it is a large occasion and the stores are also closed, so were closed Friday, Sunday (as usual) and Monday. It takes lots of planning to get used to here.

I wanted to talk a little about the service I went to on Saturday night, that is when the first Easter celebration is.

They began with a dark church, and a Easter fire outside, which I could see through the windows, just the flickering flames. Outside there were people and they told the Easter story. I didn’t go outside because we were saving seats inside the church, which was so packed, more so than Christmas I feel. And after everyone came inside, then they brought a huge candle with the flame from the Easter fire. This Easter Candle then was used to light smaller candles, which then lit the candle on the rows and then each neighbor lit their neighbor’s candle, so that everyone had the flame of the Easter fire in front of them, if they brought a candle. The whole church is still dark, and so some of the service takes place with only the light from our little candles.

This was such a beautiful sight, seeing the church light up candle by candle. It happened quite quickly, but it still happened in principle one by one.

I’m not one to get mushy about religious functions, but this sight tugged a bit of my heart string.

I forgot my charger at home, so I couldn’t post till now, when I had to work stuff out, so this is post was written today and posted today, which hasn’t happened in a while. Usually I have posts written in advance. So also a special Easter gift too I suppose.

Happy Belated Easter!

I always want more books. My amazon wishlist is so long, I have hundreds of books, maybe, that I haven’t read that I want to and have bought, hundreds more I want to read that I haven’t.

And the other day, after thinking about the cost of makeup thought, in a breakthough, all the money I was using on makeup I could use on books!

I know some people might think it’s cheap to use incentives for yourself.

Like for me, I have already one that says that if I brush my teeth, take all my vitamins, and walk or work out for twenty one days I’ll reward myself with something, no clue what yet.

But I want to as well reward myself with a book once a month, probably on my kindle, when I don’t spend money on makeup.

It may not seem a lot, but I read a lot anyways, so even if I don’t do it one month, it’ll just go through my other collection, so not a huge consequence. But if I don’t, I’ll be able to get a new book! Which is always phenomenal.

It’s not a lot, but it’s something.

My March is totally shot, but I was hoping about April! I used to have a bet where if I didn’t spend anything on clothes or makeup or shoes that I would have 100 euros at the end in either a donation or a trip. There was also a consequence if I didn’t manage.

I don’t know if I’m that ready for that yet, but I can do this little part and see how it goes.

Good luck to me.

New goal for all of April, also my old goal because I’m not up to twenty one yet. It’s the brushing twice a day, I get it most days, but I need to do it consecutively.

I will! I believe in myself.

I am a divided buyer. There are some times where I am pretty impulsive and come back and think, what? And there are other times where I have researched something for hours and made a list…and then gone off occasionally.

It’s been a huge deal for me to pay less attention to makeup, less time researching it for further purchases which I always say no to, or buy impulsively.

A big part of it is just to take myself out of a situation in which I am exposed to it. But another is to change psychologically. I want it to be easier to say no. I am getting a lot better are being less impulsive and trying to get the best product and a good price.

A rule I’ve implemented for now is to only buy things I’ve done research on and know what is inside. That’s stopped me from buying little things impulsively. Because it’s not like I go out and buy a ton impulsively, it’s one or two things. When I have time to stew it over, and put it on a list, I can see if there’s something else already on the list and make a decision about which I want more. I can decide for the new few days how I would implement it in my life, if it would be new, or replace something.

I know some people only buy clothes when they can give away things. I want to do that too with clothes and makeup. Especially coming up to summer when there are things I won’t wear as much, all winter, or can’t imagine wearing for summer and can give away. I’ve started a bag in the hall where I put things for giveaway and need to make it public to everyone that if they see anything they want in there, they should give it a go.

It’s partly out a desire not to clutter my life, to be less grounded in the material, to be able to be more flexible, and to be more.

I am doing better, not done, but doing better everyday.

Makeup costs a ton. Like a lot.

I am not rich, I’m not poor, maybe I’m somewhere in between. But makeup costs an arm and a leg. There are definitely cheaper alternatives, but to get good quality, less chemicals, and what not, is expensive!

I look online all the time and I’m just like, how could I even buy this?

I am pretty happy with the collection I have, and in the process of replacing items with better quality products with less harmful chemicals, but still.

I look at some products I’ve tried in the past and wondered, what I was thinking.

But let’s face it, it’s a business. The business surrounds itself with advertising and the media which tell people, in the form of magazines and ads, what products we ‘need’ to be ‘beautiful’.

I have no idea how much of this has filtered into my mind, but I can’t deny that it hasn’t. I grew up surrounded by this.

There are days when I don’t wear a lot of makeup, and it makes me happy. But it honestly makes me happy to play around with makeup, to try new things, and experiment. For example, I love lip products. I have more of this than anything else, because I love changing it, even in the same day. I love bright reds, berries, and now am branching into different colors. It’s my favorite thing. I would wear just that and be so happy.

I can honestly say that I feel a lot differently about makeup now than I do. I used to feel like I was not as pretty until I put some on, that I needed to have some to have respect. But now I feel better about minimal looks with statement features. I am getting a lot better about buying less makeup and about my own self image. I still get pretty self-conscious, but I am getting a whole heck better.

I’ve also started trying to declutter, if I try something and don’t like it, move on. I want to be smart about my choices. Choose things that are new that I don’t have, or replace old things.

I am getting a lot better at it.

I am going to do a series of posts, starting today, of certain topics relating to myself and make up. Just thought I’d put that out there and give this week a cute little title.

When I was walking the other day, I was asked: Well what do you really ever truly know? And for a lot of things, I really second guessed what I thought I knew, but I wanted to try to start with the things I really honestly knew, without any doubt.

I am sure with enough time I could come up with a ton of other lists or things, but the first thing I thought of was:

I know, with 100 percent certainty, no doubt, that my parents love me, support me, and would do anything for me that they could.

There was, at that moment, nothing clearer or more firm. Because even hours later, days later, weeks later, I still know that one things in my mind. In fact, every day so far in my gratitude journal, I have been writing my parents. The effects of their love and support have helped me be the person I am today.

There are a lot of things I know, but there aren’t as many things that I would bet my life on. There are things I know are true. But I would bet anything I have in the world on my parents.

This isn’t to say that I don’t know other things with certainty, but this is the first I thought of.

I recently saw this article on facebook concerning Diane Sawyer’s marriage advice.

And this quote really stuck with me.

“I learned something great on one of the stories I did,” she says. “Someone said to me… ‘A criticism is just a really bad way of making a request. So why don’t you just make the request? Why don’t you just say, Could we work out this thing that makes me feel this way?'”

Because it’s pretty true. When I criticize I most definitely want something to change. If I say, hypothetically, “you’re a slob” then I am basically saying, please pick up around here.

I am not the best person with blame. I am one of those people who are quickly angry and often blame others in the process.

I am trying to get a lot better at this, but let’s just admit that it’s a pretty steep hill to climb up.

I’m trying, when I’m angry to take a step back and consider a lot of things:

1) why am I really angry

2) are there underlying issues underneath

3) how can I fix this

I find after considering number one, a lot of the blame is gone. There are times when there is legitimate blame, but sometimes it’s just I’m upset about something, that may be their fault, but haven’t said it yet. Which leads me to number two when I realize that maybe this regards a deeper feeling I’ve been feeling or hiding or something I never even knew existed. That’s the biggest revelation in my process. How when I take the time to do this process, I realize things I didn’t even realize bothered me or was upset about. Then when I get to number three, I usually have a request instead, or a “knowing this, can we fix it?”

I realize it’s a better process, and after my quick temper, I go through these three, but I have to learn to count before I raise my voice.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to be less quick tempered, because sometimes I feel like the only time I could do that was if I was one of those super serene monks and I can’t see myself doing that. But I am trying.

Which has to count for something.