I recently saw this article on facebook concerning Diane Sawyer’s marriage advice.
And this quote really stuck with me.
“I learned something great on one of the stories I did,” she says. “Someone said to me… ‘A criticism is just a really bad way of making a request. So why don’t you just make the request? Why don’t you just say, Could we work out this thing that makes me feel this way?'”
Because it’s pretty true. When I criticize I most definitely want something to change. If I say, hypothetically, “you’re a slob” then I am basically saying, please pick up around here.
I am not the best person with blame. I am one of those people who are quickly angry and often blame others in the process.
I am trying to get a lot better at this, but let’s just admit that it’s a pretty steep hill to climb up.
I’m trying, when I’m angry to take a step back and consider a lot of things:
1) why am I really angry
2) are there underlying issues underneath
3) how can I fix this
I find after considering number one, a lot of the blame is gone. There are times when there is legitimate blame, but sometimes it’s just I’m upset about something, that may be their fault, but haven’t said it yet. Which leads me to number two when I realize that maybe this regards a deeper feeling I’ve been feeling or hiding or something I never even knew existed. That’s the biggest revelation in my process. How when I take the time to do this process, I realize things I didn’t even realize bothered me or was upset about. Then when I get to number three, I usually have a request instead, or a “knowing this, can we fix it?”
I realize it’s a better process, and after my quick temper, I go through these three, but I have to learn to count before I raise my voice.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to be less quick tempered, because sometimes I feel like the only time I could do that was if I was one of those super serene monks and I can’t see myself doing that. But I am trying.
Which has to count for something.