As I mentioned in my last post, the Easter Monday was the first post in a while I had to write on the day and then post it. Usually I have some posts lined up that I have written in advance and schedule to appear.
I do this for multiple reasons, first of all, if I write about something that bothers me, or a strong emotion, I need days to cool off.
Secondly, I also usually need days to process something, and so I don’t just have small ideas, I need some days to process it and think about what I really want to say.
And thirdly, but probably the largest reason, is that I feel quite anxious when I am not on top of my work. And I consider my blog to be part of my work. So for the last week, it was a constant source of anxiety for me, worrying I couldn’t post the blog post on time, or get it done, and worrying about trying to figure out how I could do it.
It has been the end of some traveling for the month of March, first back to Germany, then to London, then to here, then we will travel back South all before school.
With me, traveling makes me very anxious, especially when it is with others. Not because they stress me, but when it’s all on me, I can easily just barrel through it and move on, but other people, lovely as they are, add other concerns and ideas.
So not only does traveling, being at the whims of others, and not being home to take care of what I want and myself, all is very stressful.
When things are very stressful for me, I find it difficult to express my feelings and I in end take a lot of feelings inside of myself, resulting in my anxious habits. My main one, after getting rid of one last year, is to pick the skin around my fingers. It sounds worse than it is, but when you have a loose piece of skin near your nail bed, like from a hang nail, that’s the habit. I don’t just sort of peel bits off.
Usually I don’t do this, and it helps me a lot if my nails are painted, but I’m not home to do this, and so it’s hard to manage the habit. When I am home, I will take off the remnants of my nail polish and hopefully, get this back under control.
It makes me feel very ashamed to have this habit, as it becomes painful sometimes, but also I don’t like having it at all.
But I have come to realize many people have nervous habits, and this is just one of mine. I need to accept it, which I have, and either manage it or leave it.
I am very glad to go home soon so I can do this.