Month: April 2016

I am posting this German Update.

As of now I speak at least once (on average) a day in German. This usually involves me describing my book in German, since I read a lot and naturally would want to discuss it in English. I also am subscribed to a German magazine which I read, look up words, and then make flashcards of the words that are the most useful to me. I like this magazine because the articles are current and it is organized, and coded, according to difficulty. Sometimes there are also exercises and there is a site that goes with it which provides more articles and other things designed to make the magazine better. I am also working through my various Grammar books and doing exercises in Grammar. Mostly because, for some reason, German grammar is that sore spot. Not because I am bad at it, although it is not my forte, but because I am fascinated (not totally in a good way with it). It gets under my skin and I long to sit it in an interrogation room and shake it. Also to yell, Why? at it. As of now, there has been little progress on using actual German textbooks. Hopefully when I am done with the German exercises, I can incorporate the textbooks because they are really well organized by lesson.

I cannot figure out why, it just requires a lot more work and self dedication for the textbooks. Although I think that my day already has a lot of self dedication, so it is more, when I finish the exercises, I will work on those. My goal is always to do some formal German each day in the form of exercises and what not, not only speaking.

As for my relationship with German. I cannot say that has improved, except this new found motivation to do better at German is due to a lot of factors. I could be dishonest and say one day it just clicked and I realized that the key to a happier life is more German. But that is a flat out lie and also not true. My life consists of happy days, but German is not the fix all. It is not that magical pill that will make all my days perfect. I could say then that I have accepted my tenuous and stressed relationship with it, but that is not entirely true. I still feel very upset sometimes and those days are harder to do German. But I can say that, to be completely frank, it stems from a competition. No, someone did not bet me, but a distant friend of mine is learning German and my idea was always that my German was better. But now, I realize to maintain this I must get better as well (even if the lessons are not improving their German and especially if they are). Their motivation is entirely different than mine, but I am un-apologetically admitting where this motivation, a step in the right direction, is coming from.

I also know it is wrong. My motivation should come from within myself, like my motivation for Yoga and reading. Out of a joy and desire to become better and spend time doing things that I like. But that is not true. So I want to be honest with myself. I do not want to lie to myself. I want to start and end the day with honesty. I am one of those people who am booted by competition in this way. I was always trying to be the best student (not of the class, just the best student I could be). People who are studying and learning motivate me to learn. They push me to be better. So perhaps this is the Western capitalist (I have been reading some Marxist things recently) that is pushing me to be better.

Whatever it is, I am moving forwards (like a shark) and trying to not feel like this is a competition. But at the moment I cannot separate the two. And it is not hurting anyone, except making me learn. So is it so bad at the moment? Perhaps in theory, but this is not touching any other real, or any other part of my life.

So I think we are okay for now. And if this little demon pops its head up again, I can deal with it then (with hopefully more German anyways).

The title. It hit me one day, before I wrote this and before today. Oh my God. I need to start writing my thesis soon. I had been thinking about it and even reading some background books I read for my last thesis, more skim re-reading because it seemed so distant.

But then today, as I had to register for my thesis, it hit me. I need to write this. Not in a year. Now. I need to put that first sentence down before I write 40-60 more pages. I need to prove to people I have my act together, that I know what I want to say and I need to say it with authority.

I need to convince my readers, I know what is what and to listen to me with a shred of patience. Each word is carefully chosen to assert my authority about my novels, which are a hodge podge sometimes and I never, at these moments, think it will come together. My novels of differing class, or differing protagonists, with widely different issues.

I look at this monstrous pile of books, my novels, these notes, and I think, how can I accomplish this?

The uncertainty, and the fact that all these ideas, all my research, I need to put down onto paper. I need people to believe me, or not and tear me apart.

I know it will get done, but as I begin to walk down this really dark and windy path, I have fear how. Each step seems perilous and uncertain. The first step is the hardest I think. Like the wire walker (from the film, The Walk) it is about confronting the void. There is nothing, just a cursor that blinks at you with a (and is this just me) condescending tempo. You stand at the precipice and you say, I see you. I see you and I can triumph over you.

The first sentence begins.

Driving, or to be precise, riding, in Germany is terrifying sometimes. You forget after time the speed you can drive at until the utter danger is presented to you and you think ‘Oh my goodness, this could be it’.

I usually get sweaty hands and clench my jaw. But something else I do is press my foot down to the brake, well the imaginary brake. It is one of my worst nightmares, and I have had it, to be in a car (driving) and unable to stop it, despite using the brake. So when I feel like the brake needs to be pressed, my food instantly presses the imaginary one.

I do not mind driving, however, the speed is so scary. It would be alright in a world where only we existed, or even in a world where people were all like us. OR in a world where people stayed on the right, because that is where a huge problem lies. In Germany people are better about it, but it would make my life a lot better if they were a lot better at it.

So please, stay on the right unless you are passing.

I mean you can never prepare yourself for an unexpected death. But in those moments you become acutely aware of the fact that you are in a metal box on wheels, just like the feeling I get when we land a plane (metal long box with smaller wheels a lot like a paper airplane).

I do not know how to end this post. The speed is fine and tons of people do it, I mean this is the country for speed.

I guess what scares me is not speed, but is the unpredictability of people. They do stupid things and you cannot stop it and all you can do is try to react quickly enough. Speed did not kill people, other people killed them. In essence.

So perhaps this fear is not a fear of cars, or speed, but more a metaphor for life, and how scary people (and their unpredictability) can be.

It is really hard to be ‘on’ all the time. I am talking about the feeling you get when you have guests for a long time, or maybe only a day, but it requires your attention and cleaning and what not, and that feeling at the very end where you think, ‘I just want one moment to myself’.

Sometimes extended visits, not to home, but other places, feel like that. Having to be ‘on’ from the moment your feet leave the room to when you have that safe space again. I like to be a host, and I think I can be a decent guest. But I am very sensitive to having time to be ‘off’. I need it because otherwise I feel like I am ready to scream, but even more than that, if I don’t, then I get sick.

Inner turmoil always results in physical sickness for me. Sad inside, sick outside. So Alone time is not only restorative, but also necessary for me. I also am a very introverted person for the majority of the time and require there to be time where I just read or what not and I truly enjoy these things. Fixing small meals, reading, laying on the couch, etc. Alone time can be a good thing.

It is also important to separate having time for oneself, and separate time. Just because someone wants alone time, does not mean they need space from a person, it can mean that though, but it does not necessarily mean that. It just means they need some ‘off’ time or some reflection time.

There isn’t a long purpose to this, or even a reason I wrote this, but it is just an idea I wrote down on my long list of ideas I want to write about and wanted to talk about my thoughts regarding it.