Month: February 2016

A recent Christmas present I gave was a calendar that gives the person a question every day. They range from conversation starters, to ethical questions, to just wacky questions.

There are a bunch about the future and how you think about the future. I initially felt very anxious about the future and worried about where I would be. But since the beginning of the year I have been trying to change my mentality So instead of being so worried and anxious about the future, I am trying to look forward to the future possibilities. There will be difficulties and challenges, but they will be worth it. All the difficulties I encountered until now have brought me to where I am (which has also been a struggle), but look at who I am now. I am trying to be more positive, more patient, and change my mentality.

While it hasn’t been an easy path here (although much easier than others), it has been a journey that has taken me here. Worrying about the future doesn’t eliminate the challenges, it just creates more stress and anxiety. The more productive thing to do is to try to approach them with an open heart and mind. Knowing that whatever comes, you have the potential to get over it and to work through it.

I think my attitude towards the future has a huge impact on my life. And every day I try to change it and be a better version of myself.

Today’s mantra was I deserve.

It touched upon something else I have been thinking about recently which is do we/people deserve anything? And, if so, what?

Now today’s practice was more along the lines of I deserve to be happy, or I deserve this time for my practice and myself. So my mantra was I deserve this time to myself. But it still began my thought process thinking of what do we really deserve?

I used to think I deserved a lot of things: to be happy, to be in a good relationship, to have a job, to be successful etc. But it seemed to make me unhappy and make me feel entitled. Like if I wasn’t happy or in a job, then I should be, that was the way things were supposed to be because I deserved it. It would make me unhappy because it made me feel like I was missing out on something essential that I was deserving of in my life. Almost like it was my god given right to be/have _____. I have sort of let go of this idea that I deserve things. Because deserving things doesn’t make it happen. I could deserve the world and nothing would change except my perspective.

But I admit that my way of looking at ‘deserving’ could be totally wrong and probably is! Maybe some people use it as a motivational thing. Similar to I deserve to be happy so I’m not going to let anything get in my way and I am going to be happy!

If so, then fantastic! Perhaps that’s the way to look at things.

But I can’t wrap my head around it at the moment. Maybe someday I will be able to make sense of it, but for now, it’s still something I am trying to piece together.

Today is Valentine’s day! Which may mean nothing to you at all, but I love the day. If anything, it’s just a day where I get reminded of to show love to others, and to myself! I don’t read much more into it, it’s not a day of fancy dinners or what not. It’s a day about love and self love too! That’s always the valentine that gets left out. But I like to show myself some love and get myself something, because it’s probably the most important relationship in one’s life.

Happy self-love day. Happy day of gratitude. Happy day of love pouring forth.

And that should be enough.

What do I want to have accomplished in 5 years? Where do I want to be?

I have absolutely no clue really. I would like to be married and have a job. I would like to be somewhat settled in where I am going to settle for a while. I would want to have traveled to Asia or just a European tour. I want to continue my yoga and art. I want to be happier from the inside out. I want to continue to eat healthier. But it’s hard to pin point what I want to have accomplished. I could never have predicted I would be where I am today 5 years ago. So tons can change. I don’t have many mile stones. Perhaps I would be thinking of children.

I can try to focus on what I hope to have accomplished within myself. I want to be more patient and generous. I want to be more forgiving and compassionate. I want to be an even better version of myself, more mature, and more confident of myself.

I want to be able to look back at now and be pleased with what I thought, happy with my progress, and remember all the things I did that I never even contemplated.

I guess that’s one of the good things about this blog, is that I can really trace my changes in opinions, and my life.

Today’s mantra was I release. For me this whole yoga practice is designed to be exercise, but also to destress me. It has been such good exercise and something I look forward to and prioritize (even when today’s video was 44 minutes!). But the largest challenge has to be to destress. So I took today’s mantra to I release my stress. It doesn’t seem like meditating or anything, but I destress two ways: 1) when I do something that occupys my body (like coloring) so my mind can roam and 2) when I do something that requires my entire concentration and I can’t actually think about anything else but breathing (like yoga). So as a whole, after 11 days I think I can say that it has destressed me. But the combination of yoga and art has been very good for my soul.

Today’s mantra was I trust. One of the things she stresses is to trust the video and to trust the process. The video was of a shorter length, which was okay because I had a late start to the morning and enjoy eating my oatmeal breakfast after yoga not before. For me, I had to trust that if I took it easy, it would still be okay. There’s sometimes pressure for me to push and push. But I wanted to trust her and my instincts and let go. To trust that it would be enough. Because, as she said, it’s also about conditioning the mind.

I feel so great now that the semester is done. It was the weirdest semester of my life, having only one real class to go to, and it was the worst. I felt purposeless and totally like this was not where I wanted to be. I was unhappy with the class and the guidance I received. But now I can put that behind me. I lived through it, by the skin of my mental sanity, and am not past it. I can walk forward, be less stressed, and concentrated on doing things with my time that make me legitimately happy. I can feel more like I am spending my time in a worthwhile fashion in a way I choose and that can be beneficial to me.

Total control, or more control, of my life is coming my way!

I am excited to begin new projects, to have more time to read on my own, and to be able to structure my time the way I choose. I am already making plans for the future in a concrete and exciting way.

I am excited to be excited.

Today’s mantra was I am bold. I don’t think I’m a bold person, I think I’m usually pretty shy and reserved. I am not terribly outgoing, it’s pretty hard for me sometimes to hold up conversations, small talk, etc. I don’t think it’s either on or off, as in either very talkative or none at all. I just don’t know if I have felt so comfortable making friends. But I’ve done a lot of work on this and growth making friends and building my confidence. So today I focused on how ‘bold’ I was. To me that means a lot of things. I am bold enough to (as I did today), wear dainty heels while others wear snow boots. It was a risk, but it paid off. But what that situation meant to me was that I am now bold enough to do what I want even when I feel I should do something else. I didn’t use to want to draw attention to myself, and I don’t necessarily want to in that vein. But I do want to strut to my own tune. To follow what my heart things and do what makes me happy. So sure my feet could have been super cold, which they didn’t feel like it, or I could do it and see what happens. Which I did. But today also felt like I am bold enough to respect my limits and not push myself. Sometimes in yoga I feel like I need to try the hardest pose and keep pushing myself. But it takes a different boldness and confidence to know and respect your limits. To appreciate the change and the process.

Today’s mantra was I am present. She suggested that we can change the mantra to be I choose to be present, which resonated with me more than the original mantra. Being present is very difficult for me because I usually am thinking about other things (things on the back burner). And while these thoughts sort of pop up, they can distract me from being present. So I choose to be present seemed to offer me more freedom to accept the mistakes. So today was about being patient with myself and trying to remain present.

Happy New year! I love the colors, the festivities of Chinese New year. This year I’m not really celebrating much, neither did I last year, but I still love the idea.

I am celebrating in my heart, red, and gold dragons.

A lot of people, by now, are losing momentum in their new years resolutions, but don’t get discouraged! It’s the new years again.

Use today as a reminder to start again, to check back in, and think about the things that are important. It’s almost like a second chance at a new start.

What will you do with it?

The mantra for day 7 was I am capable. That day I felt totally less than capable. I was having a lot of trouble with the practice. My mind was all over the place and my form was less than perfect. My balance was off too. It was terrible, but I made it through and tried my best. So the mantra of I am capable felt like a weird joke to me. But I guess my perseverance proved that I am capable. I did it. During the practice as I chanted ‘I am capable’ I felt like I was not. But I suppose getting through it, in the end, proved that I was.

The mantra for day 8 was I choose. I choose to be on the mat today. I choose to focus on the practice. I choose to find space within myself to accept the practice. I choose to let go of my mind. She said today to meet our body intelligence with our mind intelligence. I choose is such a loaded term. I tend to see my life as ‘I need’. I need to do, I need to say. But instead today’s practice has taught me to start trying to think about my life and my actions in terms of choices. I choose to do this. It’s hard to change one’s mindset from I need to do this to I choose to. And to be honest, I don’t think I’m there yet. For some things I definitely have changed my mindset in a similar way to that, but for others, I haven’t. I still need to do the dishes. It doesn’t seem like a choice. While starting to begin to say I choose, seems like making them a choice, and a choice you can accept with an open heart without resentment, to change my language would betray my true feelings. I don’t feel like they’re a choice. But perhaps the key is to begin to say it like that, I choose, and let the feelings follow? To make a model by doing? I’m not sure yet. While I agree adopting that idea seems healthier, it also seems unrealistic at this point. But perhaps I am holding on to too much stress, resentment, or upsetness. I certainly don’t want to make the switch and be a passive aggressive chooser. So it’s definitely something I want to think about, and figure out if there’s a way I can feel good about working it into my life.

Over a week daily of yoga is over, and I gotta say I really look forward to doing yoga.

I have been coloring for a bit now, and have learned some things.

First off, less is sometimes more. There’s the tendency to want to fill the page with color immediately, because isn’t that what you’re doing? But I have fought that urge and to enjoy the white space, the negative space. It’s a tendency to appreciate the white color, to fight against the grain and to explore what feels right. It takes an eye to figure out the colors, and I hope I gain more of that as I go on.

The second is that you just have to live with your mistakes. I have made many color errors with my pencils and pens, but I can’t go back in time and they’re on the page. I can’t erase it, or start anew. I either move on or throw it out. There are the only two options. I made a mistake, and I move forward. That’s what you have to do. But it’s harder to apply this to real life. There are moments when you’re stuck in the past, what you should have done. Then there are moments when you’re stuck in the future, focusing on where you should be, or where you want to me. I used to be happy or I will be happy when I have that job. But there is just now. And once you free yourself of the burden of the past, you’ll become lighter. I’m not saying don’t realize the mistake, but realize it and move forward. It just takes time to dwell and get stuck. Life will move forward regardless. So I color the next section, knowing it isn’t perfect, and accepting that.