Liljumper’s Adventures

I have been coloring for a bit now, and have learned some things.

First off, less is sometimes more. There’s the tendency to want to fill the page with color immediately, because isn’t that what you’re doing? But I have fought that urge and to enjoy the white space, the negative space. It’s a tendency to appreciate the white color, to fight against the grain and to explore what feels right. It takes an eye to figure out the colors, and I hope I gain more of that as I go on.

The second is that you just have to live with your mistakes. I have made many color errors with my pencils and pens, but I can’t go back in time and they’re on the page. I can’t erase it, or start anew. I either move on or throw it out. There are the only two options. I made a mistake, and I move forward. That’s what you have to do. But it’s harder to apply this to real life. There are moments when you’re stuck in the past, what you should have done. Then there are moments when you’re stuck in the future, focusing on where you should be, or where you want to me. I used to be happy or I will be happy when I have that job. But there is just now. And once you free yourself of the burden of the past, you’ll become lighter. I’m not saying don’t realize the mistake, but realize it and move forward. It just takes time to dwell and get stuck. Life will move forward regardless. So I color the next section, knowing it isn’t perfect, and accepting that.

The mantra for day 5 was I am alive. This mantra came on a day that brought sad news, but keeping that in my mind made my mantra ever more important. The news made the importance of feeling alive and living life to the fullest ever more important. So I determined to bring that idea with me throughout my whole day, remaining present and appreciative. I was determined to try to see the light and the joy in being alive. Yoga is one of those things that calms me down, and makes me feel alive. My body is alive and moving. It has awakened my mind and body.

The mantra for day 6 was I feel supported. Day 6 was a more targeted workout for the abdominals. I work these every day in a short session after yoga, so it was relatively easy, but the mantra was still very important to me. I have a hard time with my neck with abdominal exercises, and it was nice to slow down and focus on supporting my neck. It is important to have good form and not to push anything.

I am very happy with how the yoga is going.

I was a very creative child. I love to dance, I kind of dance on the subway and people look at me and smile. Whenever I listen to music, images of dancers fill my mind and I cannot help but move. I used to love to write poetry and write.

Those are the ones that have stood out to me.

And oh, singing has been a part of my life. Which is essential.

So where did I go wrong? I think I grew up and thought that being grounded, reasonable, rational, and practical was important. Time was important and studying, moving towards having a good portfolio and resume was important. And those activities went on the wayside.

But I have been making a constant effort to go against this tide pushing the creativity away. I have written about coloring and I’ve delved back into watercolor (my favorite medium of art – and the use of salt still fills me with wonder and joy). I want to open up this part of my mind that people told me wasn’t practical and let it forth.

Because when I was being creative the whole attitude was different. Making mistakes was not only important but essential. Mistakes were what helped you learn. They weren’t the be all end all, they weren’t looked down upon. They were part of the process.

You’d make something that wasn’t great, definitely not perfect, and that was okay. It was part of a growing fluid evolution. And that’s what it was seen as, not a blemish.

So it’s more than the actual production of art via coloring, watercolor, clay, dance, and song. It’s more than the actual goal of work, it’s about the journey to get there, the learning process.

It’s the appreciation of the process of production.

And I could use some more appreciation.

The mantra for 3 and 4 was I embrace and I awaken.

As for day 3, I didn’t find much that connected with me, so that’s why this post is combined with day 4. I still really enjoyed day 3 because it was a satisfying yoga practice (much shorter than day 2), but the mantra didn’t necessarily impact me so much as day 4.

In a whole day 3’s mantra was meant to prioritize embracing oneself and where they are in the yoga practice. I thought this was a fantastic idea. It is difficult to relish the now instead of focusing on the future, but it didn’t connect with me as much as it did on day 4.

For day 4 I got a couple things out of it. There was an extension of the ideas in day 3 and a deeper awareness of my breath. One of the things she said today was to shift our mindset. What that related to was when we’re in a pose that doesn’t feel right, to listen to our body, and shift a little. Toxic thoughts of ‘I should be more flexible’ etc. are distracting and damaging. It is important to embrace where we are today, to not push further than we can, but to shift our mindset. Instead of saying, “I should be further today” to “Look how far I have come”. This is a small chunk of a larger shift of mindset that I want to realize. I want to look to different angles as far as my perspective on life. So not “I should have a job by now” but “Look at how many things I have accomplished I never thought I would and how much more I can do”.

It’s so simple to write it out, but it involves a choice every day to be more mindful, more kind, and more gentle to yourself.

The second thing in day 4 was the mantra: I awaken. She asked us what are we trying to awaken. At first my goal was to awaken my body, this was morning yoga and I had just woken up (one of my favorite times to do yoga is in the morning, although night yoga is so relaxing). But as the practice went forward, I realized I need to awaken my breath. I don’t breathe deeply. Not really. She has to remind me to breathe deeply, to inhale and exhale. I just normally hold my breath, so deep in concentration or focus. So my main goal was to awaken my breath.

But it’s something I want to bring into my daily life, to awaken my breath. To breathe deeply, slow down, relax, and breathe truly. To walk around and breathe in the air around me.

So many times, I’ve heard this saying. Sometimes it happens near the end of a meal, when I’m desperately trying to share the remainder of food left on the table. I hate throwing away food, and it always tastes better without being reheated – except for Chilli, that only gets better.

When I hear the saying much more frequently, is when someone is upset. You might as well have said “I’m fine”. The words are “I’m not hungry”, but I immediately know better. You are hungry, you’ve starved yourself all morning, you are just upset and really want to resolve conflict, but right now you aren’t willing to take another step in my direction, so it’s me that has to work on it. Okay so maybe I am usually right about you being hungry, even when you say you aren’t, but more importantly, why is it, that I don’t accept what you tell me? Why do I immediately think that your emotions are inhibiting you from making rational decisions? Why do I think that it’s typical for women to do this?

Well, I guess I associate it with the many times, that it looked like my assumptions were correct. So many times that women were told to calm down in my presence, by me, or someone else. Arguing is much quicker when you ignore the emotional part. Nothing comes out of screaming and exaggerating… or does it? Maybe you screaming that I shouldn’t assume things about you is right. Maybe I’m making the situation so much worse, by not believing you. When you say something and I decide you meant something else, doesn’t that force you to exaggerate what you were saying? Am I not the reason you can’t tell me what you mean? Maybe if I listened to what you are saying, instead of deciding what you meant, I wouldn’t consider you ‘emotional’ or ‘upset’ or ‘complaining’ – like it’s something you aren’t entitled to do.

You have every right to be talked to and with. Especially when you are upset, you don’t deserve to get asked to rephrase your objections, so that they are easier to digest. Easier to dilute with pointless arguments. Easier to ignore.

I have always respected Jam. But recently I went through a period where I didn’t like or respect a certain Jam. I hated it.

The Jam didn’t seem like it respected it’s role, or me, or my life, or what I wanted to do. I learned nothing about the flavor from this jam. The Jam has a job, and it wasn’t doing it. It wasn’t doing it at all, it didn’t taste good it tasted bad and sour. I expected more, I expected a change. I wanted to get the most of the jam, the flavor, the texture. I wanted it to be better, to learn something from the jam. But never.

So one day I decided to not care about it, to not respect it, to not put any work into it. I went to my kitchen to make my sandwich, and went unprepared. I didn’t make sure it was the right temperature, or spread evenly. I plopped it on.

I tried to care as little for the jam as it did for me. I tried to care for the jam like it didn’t do it’s job. To fight not caring with not caring. I felt invigorated, good, like screw you jam! You’re going to taste sour, well I am not going to spread you well! Big insult right?

It didn’t work, I caved and spread it and tried my best with it at the last moment. Because that’s not the type of person I am. I can’t be.

I can’t be someone who doesn’t care, even when others and the majority don’t. That’s not who I am. I can’t not care.

While I wish I could put less effort into the jam, which might result in less stress and upsetness. I can’t change who I am. I have to care about the jam, maybe not as much (which is my current struggle), but I have to.

It was an important lesson I learned about myself, who I am, and what I was not willing to do.

While I dislike the jam, I choose to care about it.

 

Today’s mantra is I Create.

It was difficult for me to figure out how this related to me at first. But two things stood out to me. First was the mantra’s meaning of focusing on creation. I have been wanted to devote more time to creative things and producing acts of creativity, to wake up my creative soul. So this was the first thing that came to my mind. The idea that perhaps this yoga would help awaken my creative mind.

The second is that the practice was about creating space within the body. To stretch and practice in a creative way. To think differently about the stretching and practice and to challenge oneself to create a new way of doing it. It’s something I can struggle with, deviating from the path or the way you should do things. So I challenged myself during the practice to loosen up, to listen to my body and create space within my body. I created space by stretching and allowing my body to move. I created and found the freedom to move how my body needed to move.

While I had thought a lot about the first way it resonated with me, the realization of the second was profound.

Do I equate gifts and possessions with love? Tricky answer. I think we are taught to do that. That’s what everything around us says to us, if someone loves you they will get you what you want, and what you don’t need. You can show someone you care by giving them a present, buying them flowers, surprising them with dinner.

Have I placed too much emphasis on gifts? With some, not others. With my family? Not as much, I’m older now, I realize I don’t need lots of presents. In fact I like them better spread out. I have matured and I don’t place as much emphasis on them.

But in romantic relationships I think the tendency for gifts as an expression of love is even more pronounced and explicit. And I have struggled with it. I have never gotten a ton of gifts, and certainly not in my first relationship. But my first had tons of things wrong with it and was extremely unhealthy. That being said, I thought things might change in my second.

I thought surprise gifts, flowers, etc would occur sort of sporadically. And as symbols of their love to me. Love can be expressed in gifts is what my mind told me. But it’s not that simple and I don’t think it’s meant to be. While I still love gifts (I do, so why lie??) I place more emphasis on little things.

Like if I’m upset, bringing me back a donut, or writing me a note when they get up first. Little surprises. A cup of cocoa made for me. Little gestures of love by actions. They show me that they care. While they are a bit rare, I appreciate them (and a small influx in them would still be appreciated).

But I can’t deny the allure of material gifts too. While there’s nothing wrong with that, I still think in the right context it can be a wonderful treat. I am not saying gifts as a sign of love are bad, I am ONLY talking about a specific context!!

I need to fight against my gut reaction. So I’m trying.

A gift won’t revitalize my life, and it won’t symbolize love. But a hug will.

 

How has recent events changed my perspective of public travel? It has changed my perspective a lot I think.

I have never been one to go out a lot, or be very public in the sense as going to mass events. But one of the things that I have been thinking about is the transport system and being more aware around me, in a sad way. In a way that makes me feel a bit unsafe, a bit more aware of the danger around me.

When I ride the train I always wonder, well if this train crashes, how will I bounce around? It’s a bit sad, but it’s something I contemplate weekly, if not more frequently.

And yet now sometimes I begin to contemplate what if it crashed on purpose? It’s a scary thought, but also out of my control, just like an accident.

Yet it seems to scare me more than a crash, because that seems like an accident, not man controlled, where as an act of terrorism is fueled by people, but also hate.

Hate, which is so unpredictable and for that reason, terrifying. It is so unknown, definitely out of control. But so foreign in the sense of strange.

I think I definitely appreciate the little moments now and realize that life is more fragile than I even can comprehend. So it’s not necessarily just fear or terror or anxiety. But I would still say it’s a majority of those. Which has resulted in different feelings.

I don’t know how to end this post because I don’t know what to say. Do I wish this had never happened? Perhaps that would be unrealistic. But all I can say is that we move forward and try to make sure that hate is not spread in that destructive of a manner.

My relationship to Cheese is complicated. While eating cheese will not kill me, it will leave me with some killer stomach pain. I can eat some cheese, but not all.

I am, mostly, intolerant to Cheese. Cheese doesn’t do anything for me. Cheese does not understand the concept of reciprocity, of responsibility, of giving back. Cheese doesn’t feel guilt, so the actions never change, it never decides to change its actions and so the cycle is always the same. I don’t understand cheese. Sometimes it can be sweet, but most times it is on tenuous ground.

What’s the worst about it, is that I always expect better of it, I always expect it to change, to be better, because I know it can. I know cheese can be yummy and wonderful, and so when it’s not, it’s even more disappointing to me. Cheese never gives something back to me, even when I have bent myself backwards for it. I just wonder if cheese felt some responsibility it would change, because it wouldn’t want to feel guilt again or disappointment. Is that how responsibility works? It’s disappointing because it has not attained it’s potential, but also because here I am having believed in it, and having failed again. It teaches me not to count on it, to have tenuous belief to avoid feeling a constant sense of disappointment and loss for the relationship I will never have with cheese. And so to a degree I resent the cheese. I resent it for proving me wrong, but for also constantly disappointing me and making me feel like a fool. I resent it for being completely unable to mature but also just be a good relationship with me. That’s all I want, a good relationship with cheese, not one that’s always good (totally unrealistic), but one where we have more good days than bad. Where I can say that cheese is my friend.

Some say I should just accept my current status with cheese. It’ll be what it will be and not to expect anything more. I don’t know if that’s the type of person I am. I expect cheese to be better, to know they can change, evolve, and be better. But maybe that’s unrealistic, and maybe that’s a little bit of who I am.

I can’t change my life growing up with cheese, all the experiments, the disappointments, the hurt, and the anger. Because I am hurt by cheese. If the cheese cared how I felt, it would change, and it never does. It is cheese and always will be just cheese.

I will always have a tenuous relationship with cheese. The question is what do I do about it? Do I change it or accept it?