I had a really scary thought/nightmare last night. I was having trouble sleeping because I’ve been unsettled by some of the things I’ve been reading and watching. It started off thinking about what would happen if my memories were wiped and what would happen to me. Who would I be if they were gone? I don’t know how I ended up where I did in my thought process, but I started dwelling on all my painful memories.
One of them was not feeling like the people I love knew I loved them before they died. I guess it’s a bit like carpe diem, telling people you love you love them before they’re gone. It’s not the same for everyone, and some relationships just aren’t there anymore. But I guess it’s the idea behind it.
I never know how to treat the carpe diem, live like it’s your last day idea because of course if it was my last day, I wouldn’t want to be angry at the people I love. I think it’s hard to live like that. Because if it was my last day, I wouldn’t want to fight, I would want things to be okay. I don’t know if I would want the illusion things are okay if they aren’t, but things that matter to me in the scheme of life things, wouldn’t. I wouldn’t worry about the resentment, the anger, the feelings. I would just want to spend it happy with the people I love. And I do want to, everyday I want things to work out and to be happy, but I think if I truly lived carpe diem style, it would let a lot of things go. I don’t know if what would result would be a fantasy, an illusion that things are okay when they’re not, but things I feel that may be important now, wouldn’t be. I feel carpe diem, a truly carpe diem mindset, would let a lot of things I care about go, a lot of feelings I feel truly deeply go.
I don’t think it’s a solution, but I think it’s just a thought.