Similar to the past post, I suppose (although I didn’t intend it to be).
I have taken a lot of blame in my past. Maybe I didn’t take the right blame or even enough in some situations. But I am specifically talking about in my past relationship. I took the blame, personally, and thought that if I did this, that was fine. If it was my fault I could fix it. If our problems were my issues I could fix them, because they weren’t going to. And so I took the blame and said sorry a lot. Sorry for things that were never mine to be sorry for. I shouldered the blame as if it meant that I cared more, as if it would fix my relationship, as if this would be my grand gesture, as if each time would bring me closer to my goal. All it ever did was push me further down into a life, into a person I didn’t want to be or live. In the end, it wasn’t my fault at all. And it was right to walk away (even if it was too little too late).
And so now I am more cautious with blame. Maybe too cautious, to the point where sometimes I cannot see that I am to blame at all (when some belongs to me). Because it takes two to make something work. Maybe there should be an idealistic relationship or mindset not to blame (and believe me I’m working on it, so if it’s out there, I’m coming for you). But blame seems to be so ingrained into our lives, that while it is here, I have to confront it. I don’t want to ever slip back into the mentality that things are my fault when they’re not. It’s destructive and it chips away at the core self.
I have done too much of it already.
I’m far from perfect. But I am trying every day. To be unapologetic, but also owning up to myself and my actions. Showing up for myself. Practicing self care. Blaming less. Saying sorry more.