I was recently discussing with a lot of my friends about what marriage/divorce means to them. Everyone has a totally different and personal interpretation of what marriage and divorce are. In that is wrapped up of expectations and limits. So I thought I would talk a bit about what my thoughts are.
I am not a very religious, if at all, person. So the sanctity of marriage in a religious sense doesn’t hold much weight for me. There is no external force that influences how I feel about the commitment. When I do take vows, it will be ones I made. So maybe let’s start there then?
Vows. I want to write my own vows. “I want it to be a conscious choice everyday to love you. I am saying these vows because I want to be with you today and the next. All I can promise you is that each day I will choose to love you. This vow is just part of that commitment. Just like I choose to be with you each day, I choose to recognize this choice publicly in the presence of the important people in my life.” Or something along those lines. The real thing will be quite different. But I think it illustrates my feelings about marriage. I don’t think of marriage as one day that seals your fate or you future. I think it’s a public recognition by the state and others that you are choosing to make that commitment each day, beginning with that day. There are not many differences, to me, from a committed relationship and a marriage. But like life, marriage should be dynamic and flexible to me. There will be days that are harder, but my commitment is each day. Each day I re-choose to be with someone. Each day I acknowledge change, and progress, and growth.
That doesn’t mean I don’t envision my commitment to be for my life. It doesn’t mean that at all. It means I am flexible enough. I am flexible enough to allow my definition of marriage to be free of judgement of others. To be understanding and compassionate. To understand that people change. I don’t want a promise binding me to one person forever. I want to choose every day to love the person in front of me, flaws and all. It’s not a hall pass. It is the recognition that marriage, with its foundations of commitment, is about the daily things, the every day choice.
My definition of marriage also includes the possibility that things can change. People can change or never change. Issues may not be able to be resolved. And if that happens (to anyone), I want my definition of marriage to enfold them like a hug. To be non-confrontational, non-judging, and accepting. I want it to be next to them when they have to acknowledge that no matter what we do, some things can’t, won’t, or don’t want to work. That things can be beyond our control. That sometimes love isn’t enough to look past the shadows or the betrayals. And that’s okay. My interpretation of marriage will catch you. It will embrace you and your mistakes, your flaws, your happiness. It will celebrate your independence, your commitment. It will be there on your anniversary, or on your moments alone. It is a recognition that marriage is different for everyone. It sees that marriage is personal, that it should be in the benefit of all those involved.
Maybe this seems like a blanket statement, or a non judgement policy. That’s fine. It is. And everyone can lie beneath it (or I hope so).