I approach things with the mindset that if I put enough effort into them, I can achieve them. So in that sense, for most things I get what I want simply because I work for them all the time. For example, I work for grades I want.
But there are things I cannot alter. I cannot change if I get a job or not, if I win something or not. These are things I can do nothing about.
And my alternate has been, to not want them. It has been too painful to want something very badly and not get it. So I approach things either by detaching myself from them, or just convincing myself I don’t want it.
I say no I don’t want this at all, I don’t want to win. Or I approach it saying, well it doesn’t matter if we win.
And this has worked for me, surprisingly. But it means I focus a lot on what I can do, and almost ignore what I can’t control. Which isn’t exactly healthy. There are plenty of things I can’t control, which is essentially the scary fact that keeps me.
The idea is to focus on the things you can change, and accept the things you cannot.
That’s tremendously hard for me. I really like control over my life, and to give it up is something that is hard for me. Yet always at the back of my head, the idea of giving up control (not having to plan everything, take care of things) is alluring. It does seem nice to think, what if I didn’t have all this responsibility, this anxiety, this stress.
I wonder sometimes if I would be a different person, divorced from this A type personality. Or if this A type personality is all there is. And without it I would be a blob.
I know you can mediate and yoga and ‘chill yourself out’, but I wonder if that would really make me happy, or really be true to myself? Or maybe it would be.
My mind is always running, and I feel like I constantly am slipping sometimes, trying to grasp a fragment of a thought before it floats away, and that, in and of itself, provokes my anxiety.
All I know is the things I can try to change. I can try yoga. I know I’ve said this a lot, and I write it in my book everyday. But I can make a very real commitment to do this. Make a, let’s just say, list of very real commitments.
And even if it’s not to ‘chill myself out’ I can agree that yoga is a nice healthy thing I enjoy to do, I can commit to that.