Alone

I spend a lot of time alone in Munich and if I’m not physically alone, alone doing my own things in my own space alone. Although, to be fair, I do spend a fair deal of time alone physically as well.

In fact sometimes I end up spending more time of the day talking to myself than anyone else. I’ll chat to myself while I wash dishes, put my makeup on, get ready for school.

But I dislike doing things alone. I can go buy groceries or pick up food or look for something alone, but I generally don’t like to do things alone. I like company. I like to shop with people, I like to eat and talk with people, I do like doing things with people.

People are generally balanced between wanting to do things with others, and having their alone time. But I get a lot of alone time. It’s hard to find people who are passionate about the same things I am. I have school friends, but they all had their own lives before we met and their own jobs and commitments, I do see them, it’s just harder. We are all at different points in our lives with different goals. It’s not like college or high school where we are all in a similar boat.

Maybe doing things alone is like a badge of honor. I know some people say that you need to spend time with yourself alone, that otherwise how will you get to know yourself.

I can see the point that is being made. It is important to have a good sense of self. But I like also to be with people, to have dinner events, to hang out with friends.

Having people around me all the time, and then gone, is strange and disorienting. And it leaves me with a lot of alone time.

Maybe I don’t know how to make friends in the real world. With jobs and careers, but I don’t think, to be fair, my school makes it easy (more so on that later I guess).

But I guess I’m left with a deep sense of being alone. Like if I suddenly didn’t need to be in Munich, nothing really would be keeping me there. I would miss my school friends, but it’s no deep ties that keep me there.

With friends, it feels a bit like cliquey high school, and I’m the new kid trying to have people, who already have cliques, to be friends with me, to break into their group. It’s a hard task, and it requires a lot of work, which I have done, I’ve given out my number to tons of people, I’ve invited people to my home, I’ve written them, but it’s hard and I don’t have a ton to show. I have developed a closer group of friends, to be sure.

Do I feel like they feel the same about me? I don’t know. I somehow get the sense they all have their own close friends, and I don’t know where I land.

And that leaves me with a sense of sadness. I think, with friends, all I really want is a sense my feelings and friendship is reciprocated, like I know where I stand, but I don’t anymore. And the times are a changing.