I’ve been reading this memoir by Felicia Day, her memoir actually and a lot of it has been really resonating with me. One of the primary things a belief, earlier in her life, that the opposite of success was failure. And many other things like her academic determination, her weirdness, etc. I believe she’s my spirit animal, if people could do that. Either way I identify a lot with her.
And this earlier belief she had, is one I still have. I know it’s wrong and you can tell me hundreds of time there is no failure, only the failure to try, and I nod my head and it does make sense. But it doesn’t click in me. I believe it’s true and believe it works, but it doesn’t become a belief for me.
In my mind my life has worked like that, failure and success. But not for others, with other people I have a clarity, a sense of mind that is totally not present for me. I believe it when I tell others that there is only the failure to try, but it never rings true for me.
Why? I’m not sure, but I have felt like that. Like there’s only certain modes of success and all others are seen as failures. Certainly in school I felt that way, that the only success was an A and the rest was failure.
Where did this come from and how do I fix it? I wish I knew. I really like things to be right, to be perfect, and this is definitely connected. Where does this come from? Who knows, but it’s here now. How do I fix it?
No clue, maybe I just stare at myself in the mirror and say, you’re not a failure, there are other ways of success, other ways to succeed. Because most days I look at myself and think, what the heck am I doing with my life? Because what life I’m living now, I never thought I would. So to a degree, most days I’m left without a sense of accomplishment or success.
That’s sad, and I write that knowing it. But I’m not sure how to fix it. Maybe to take pride in what I do? What I accomplish? Just because people don’t believe this about me, doesn’t mean I believe it.
I don’t have answers, which inherently to me, feels like somewhat of a failure. That sucks. But how do I rephrase that to make me feel better?
I don’t have answers now.
Doesn’t feel much better, but looks better on paper.