I recently had a dream where two men in my life, former lovers of mine, were fighting. Which rarely happens, I usually have strange bizarre dreams like paragliding from South Korea to Australia with a tv star as my coach.
So this crazy personal dreams are almost rare. However I do have crazy vivid and wild dreams quite regularly. But in this particular one I had stuck up for this man who had been beaten up and who I loved and was beaten up for being with me and he betrayed me.
It was revealed that he was not who he seemed. While we were dressed up performing magic tricks in front of an audience who threw things at us after….my dreams man.
But it was really hard for me to rationalize after and process. I wanted to make the man who betrayed me the other man in my dreams, who was a childhood friend. I wanted the childhood friend to be the one who had taken such a hit for me and I felt so close to and not the other man. I didn’t want to change who betrayed me, it was still the other man, but I wanted to change the amount of connection and emotional baggage.
I, even awake, didn’t want that man to have betrayed me. It didn’t feel real or right, how could he? Asleep it made perfect sense and I moved on, but when I awoke I wanted to try to rewrite my dream.
Because I couldn’t deal with someone who I had protected, threatened people because they had hurt him, someone who had taken physical blows for me, would betray me. It was inconceivable.
But isn’t that life? The people who hurt us or betray us are people who we don’t expect. And it hurts and cuts more because we trusted them, and it did seem inconceivable.
My rational mind couldn’t deal with something my dream self knew.
So I’ve accepted the truth of my dream now and I’ve treated it as my dream self trying to tell me something I still haven’t accepted.
I don’t think I’m a total cynic. It’s more about being prepared, not thinking that certain ties are eternal. Maybe this does make me a bit of a cynic. And maybe what isn’t wrong is not the tie/bond, but the person.
Maybe it derive off a false sense of personhood, maybe my idea of this person who had sacrificed for me, was wrong. Maybe all along he was going to betray me.
Or maybe people change, and that’s the scary thing? That people can genuinely sacrifice themselves for you, make promises, protect you, but can change after and betray you. It seems real to them, and they can mean both the promising and betraying one equally well because circumstances and people change.
So maybe that’s what my dream self was saying. To accept people’s change? So I’m not exactly sure what this dream means, but I thought I would share.
It’s easy to suspect everyone and never let anyone in, it’s hard to let people in, trust, love freely, and then get burned.
Because it’s not scary to live a life without trust, it’s scary to live a life with trust.