I have an obsessive personality. (Why do I feel like all these blogs do sometimes is just confess things that are wrong with me? Maybe a note for the future to look at).
Anyway, when I can’t find things, I go crazy. I actually do. I look everywhere, almost crying. And the feeling that invades my body is a lack of control and failure. Because I feel like in general, I have succeeded if I know where things are. And when I don’t, then I have failed.
I guess my life would be a lot less stressed and optimistic if I could redefine what success and failure means. But that’s a task that is larger than a blue whale. But I suppose a lot of things do boil down to that….a topic for another time.
But another feeling that I get is of failure. Both of these feelings I really hate obviously. I honestly don’t know where I was going with this post.
For my blogs I just throughout the day and week write down in a note on my phone brief tags that are supposed to help me remember some rant or thing I wanted to share and 99% they do exactly that.
But then there’s today when they don’t, which must just be related to my mindset, because when I wrote the tag, I remember thinking that this would be so easy to write.
So I guess I’ll just recount the incident which prompted this tag.
The other day, I was trying to leave for school and couldn’t find my favorite ring. It didn’t help that it was from the US and that my mom got it for me, which makes me even more crazy about finding it because these things from my mom mean a thousand times more to me than just normal things, and things from the US obviously more since I can’t really get more of them and they are a limited commodity. So I couldn’t find them, and the reason is that I have been moving bags a lot just to fit the situation, and in the move I just couldn’t remember where I placed them, and even more so the bag I had put them in, was used for school and wasn’t at the apartment with me. Which eliminated any chance of me finding it, even though I looked in every bag and even in the box of bags in case they fell out. I was so upset, I was late to a lunch date and didn’t even want to go because it made me so sad and crazy. It’s like when you want to use a word that’s on the tip of your tongue but it eludes you, like all words do when you need them. Even more so, it had been only two days ago, and I felt like I should have remembered, but it was like a black hole in my memory, which was even more upsetting. Sometimes I feel like I move too fast or am too preoccupied with the thousands of lists in my head to remember things, like small memories, and it frustrates the heck out of me.
So if I do ever remember what I was thinking, I will either post another, or just edit this one!
You just gotta bear with me.