I am a very proactive person. I make tons of lists, I cross them out, I have high anxiety and my anxiety always bleeds into my dreams. I am easily upset-able, not very optimistic, sometimes cynical, and high stressed (even when I shouldn’t be). Which, as a side note, is why I should do more yoga.
But I am very proactive. I make conscious lists the whole day of short term and long terms things I have to do. I even make lists of things I want to do. I get a satisfaction from crossing things up.
But in general, that’s just who I am. I’m sure I could try to modify the extent to which I am x,y,z but I’ve mostly just made peace with this.
I don’t like always being the proactive person. I wish that people would take some of the responsibility and pressure off of me. Maybe I’m just a control freak. To a great extent, I don’t trust people to do things with me that impact my life. But I always wish that I could just let go. That something could be right without me having to impact it. I want to trust someone enough to let them do something. But when I feel like I have, then they do something that isn’t right or is wrong and it seems to tell me, that of course this would happen and I should have taken care of it.
It’s this horrible cycle, which just leaves me feeling very stressed and pressured most of the time.
I don’t know what I expect or even want in an ideal dream. Maybe someone else like me? But I couldn’t even deal with that. I know that sometimes I am not a good person to deal with, and maybe even having to deal with myself is too much.
No I don’t know what I expect. Maybe I need to be more trusting of people, more relaxing of mistakes. These things just seem like ideal wishes. I don’t even know how I would go about doing this. Maybe that’s why people are therapists.
I guess for this moment, I have just resigned myself to the fact that as of now, it’s just a far off unattainable dream.
It’s like, sometimes I just don’t want to have to make the plans, the week plans, the month plans, to have things work out without me hounding them. I want to know what I’ll eat in the week without having to plan it myself, to direct the day, to orchestrate when things will happen.
Because that’s how I feel a lot of the time, like I’m having to direct my life, not living it. I’m not sure how to describe it. But sometimes I wonder if deep down, under this struggle for control, there’s this lake of sadness. Sadness that I can’t seem to find the trust to let go and know it will be okay. Because I don’t know it will be. I do believe that if I do let go, it won’t be okay.
I feel like if I do let go, things will just go to pieces.
Baby steps right? Which would be infinitely more helpful if I knew where to go.