Not Knowing What Went Wrong

Closure. That’s what everyone wants. They always want to know what went wrong, which is totally understandable, how do you improve if you never know what to improve on?

And what always irks, bothers, and keeps people up at night is when they don’t know. When they don’t know what went wrong. It’s morphs from wanting to be better to obsession, wondering what they did wrong, was it me, was it my habits, what happened! It becomes something you can’t close the book on, because when your next relationship similar things happen, you can’t help bringing it back in your mind, “maybe this will be what ends us”.

I never got closure on the end of my relationship. For a while I struggled with that, I wondered, “What did I do wrong? What about me wasn’t right? What should I or did I say?” and it kept me up at night. I wondered what wasn’t right about me. I moved on, but it irked me. It nagged and I wondered, why.

And today, I know why. It was him. It wasn’t me, because I tried the best I could and maybe so did he (although I doubt it). You may say, well isn’t “it’s the other person” the oldest excuse in the book? But I won’t get into my particular situation.

The whole relationship I would take the blame for things I had no blame in, just so I could fix it. If it was my fault, at least I could fix it and work on it. But it never fixed, no matter how long I tried, because, get ready for it, it wasn’t my fault.

In the end, we just didn’t work, not because I didn’t try, but because we were never going to work. From the position I live in now, I know that. It wasn’t about what I did wrong, it was that it would never have worked.

It’s not really closure. I didn’t get to break up first, never got to tell someone how bad they were, never got to say goodbye, but I think it’s the best I’ll ever get.