Month: December 2016

Hello. I may, am, a workaholic. I make to do lists when I have nothing to do, when I’m unemployed, when I’m bored, on the weekend. I don’t know what to do without them because I get a sense of progress and self worth when I have them.

I do not function without work.

I am very strict with myself and cannot enjoy myself till my work is done. I always prided myself on my work ethic, but now I think it’s unhealthy to be so focused on the lists, the goals, the work.

I have been inspired to find balance. Because I want to be more relaxed, I want to be able to step away from my to do lists and my boxes.

So for now on, from today forwards, I am going to eliminate 1/4 of the tasks on my to do list (as long as they aren’t urgent). To force myself to create more space, more free time, and to not be motivated from dawn to night on a to do list and tasks I have to accomplish. To have the impulse to walk outside or to go downstairs without feeling guilty about the work I need/want/have chosen to do.

We shall see how that fares. I’ll let you know.

I think it is okay sometimes to realize that your dreams have changed

Opportunities come up you never dreamed and relationships form and it can be scary to let go of your dream

It can feel a little like betrayal, but it’s healthy and should be encouraged!

Our dreams change all the time, just look at what you wanted to be when you were a child

We need to be able to let our dreams grow and adapt and know when it is the right time to walk away from them

To let them go and find a new dream

I was having a lot of trouble with the job search, more so because I had no clue here to look.

I wasn’t sure if I look here or stateside. So much of my life is now up in the air that I do not know even where I’ll be next year. I have no clue and so it’s so difficult to figure out what to do.

The job search was bringing up all these sort of min existential crises. Where should I live? What is my future going to be? All of these questions in my head all the time.

How long will I live here? Can I be happy here? What does it take to be happy? Everything.

An opportunity came along where I could get an internship. So I took it. I thought why not. It would be a great learning experience and I am really excited about it.

So where does this leave me?

The answers to these questions are still blank. I don’t know if I’m any further to the solution than before, but now I have some time to think about what I want. I have some space and some breathing room. Some space and time to think about my answers and see what this opportunity holds for me.

I am really happy and looking forward to it!

I’ve started trying to imagine my anxiety like a little round ball that I smooth down or soothe. That was okay, but it wasn’t doing it for me, why would a ball smooth down?

So I started imagining it like a scared hedgehog that had rolled up into a ball and I had to pet it to calm it down and soothe it. With each deep breath I was helping my baby hedgehog friend. In my visualization sometimes it gets completely soothed, but in reality, only temporarily.

So you have to keep soothing the hedgehog.

I don’t know how useful this visualization is, or how it will help anyone. But it’s just something I thought I would share that is helping me cope with my anxiety.

It also makes it seem not so looming or scary. It’s just a hedgehog. It’s not a big black cloud, it’s not something that is like a fog (which both of these feel like), when I try to approach it, it is the scared animal.

I also don’t think it will ever go away, so I’m just trying to learn to manage it, to exercise it, to meditate with it, to make it a part of me that I can control and be with without fear and insecurity.