Author: Liljumper

There’s just something so relaxing about having a calender. Knowing, or seeing perhaps, the days ahead and the day in front of you. It’s relaxing for me. It makes me feel like there’s an order, a rhythm, to my current life. It’s nice to plan things and to have a sense of where you’re going. It’s just something that’s so little, but that makes me happy.

I had some horrible sleep last night where I kept waking up thinking I would get stung by a wasp/bee. For some reason wherever I was in my dreams there were wasps. I’ve had a couple dreams where this was the case within the month. What might this mean? It’s a bit eerie. I wonder what the bee/wasp might symbolize….

There has been a lot going on this summer and a lot of studying, not really on my part, but that’s another story. But it’s now finally the time for day trips now that studying is over! I want to go so many places, but there’s not enough time for the most part. I want to go to Innsbruck, Switzerland, France, London, Italy, Croatia, so many places! I won’t get to go to all of them this time before the semester starts, for the most part it will be mostly day trips, but hopefully I can achieve all of this before I leave Europe! I think first on the list is Dachau and Innsbruck. I’ll write about those when they happen!

I think Autumn might be here! It’s been a long time coming and I’ve missed it since last year. I love autumn and winter. To me, they’re the epitome of cozy. It’s the time of hot chocolate, mittens, scarfs, snow, and boots. I love sweaters and boots and scarfs. I love seeing my breath in the morning fog in front of my face. I love carrying a cup of coco on my commute. I love boots and knee high socks. I love the feeling of wrapping myself in a sweater, of covering my face with a scarf. I love sharing mittens. There are so many things I love about autumn and winter. I am beyond excited. It’s always a bit up and down when the transition begins, some days where it’s so cold. I actually brought out my winter clothes a week or so before, but there’s been some days where it was forecasted to be warm again. But it’s slowly moving there and I am so excited. So to autumn! To snuggly nights and snow!

Yesterday I went around the city for a while, shopping, getting lunch, a haircut. It was really nice to get out for a while, around six hours, with great company. I also got a haircut! Nothing fancy or intense, just added some layers. It’s really cool how getting a haircut makes you feel a bit newer and shinier, if it goes well of course. I didn’t take any photos, but it was nice to be out of the house and engaged in the moment. I didn’t realize how late it was until later later. Living in the moment!

With the summer almost at an end (certainly the weather has been telling me this), I’ve thought a lot about how I felt this summer. This summer has been really hard for me, not only did I suffer some extreme burn out and mild depression, I felt like parts of myself and my identity were dissolving. Things I thought were essential to who I was were gone, or radically changed. It felt the same to me this summer. It took me a while to get back on my feet and find the things I thought were gone. But it felt like I didn’t know who I was, like I had to motivate myself to get up in the morning, and want things. It was so easy for me to just not want, to not change, and to just sit here. I was in a rut majorly. I thought I should snap out of this, if I can, which I couldn’t, and move forward. But I couldn’t and the more I tried to, the more I couldn’t and the deeper I sunk. So I thought, I’m just going to ride this out, let myself feel this for as long as I do. I won’t rush myself, I’ll just let it happen. And so I did. It was incredibly hard to withstand, but worthwhile. I allowed myself to process to digest on my own time schedule. I didn’t push myself to heal or change or bounce back faster and I can say I am feeling a lot better now. I was so used to pushing to keep going on despite anything, that not pushing almost brought me to a stand still. It was incredibly hard to voice and talk about and even make sense of myself, so it was really hard. There are still numerous things I get upset about that aren’t right and billions of things I still have to work out, but it’s getting better. I felt as if when I looked in the mirror it was really fuzzy and fading, almost like I was a blurred image, but slowly it’s coming into focus again. It was a period of immense emotional learning, and it’s certainly not over yet, but it’s starting to work itself out now.

I’ve been doing some experimentation lately. I know it’s nothing major, just trying out different looks and hairstyles, but for some reason it feels like something. It feels good to try new things. While it doesn’t take a whole lot of courage, it takes time and patience, it gives me hope that I’ll be able to try new things in my life here. Maybe it’s all part of a reinvention. I’ve felt, sometimes here, that I’ve been dissolving, losing parts of myself I thought were essential. It’s been really hard, I’ll do a different post on that later, but it gives me hope that slowly, little by little, change is coming. It may only be something on the surface, but maybe that’s how it will start for me, looking like I’m feeling on the inside.

I had a really scary thought/nightmare last night. I was having trouble sleeping because I’ve been unsettled by some of the things I’ve been reading and watching. It started off thinking about what would happen if my memories were wiped and what would happen to me. Who would I be if they were gone? I don’t know how I ended up where I did in my thought process, but I started dwelling on all my painful memories.

One of them was not feeling like the people I love knew I loved them before they died. I guess it’s a bit like carpe diem, telling people you love you love them before they’re gone. It’s not the same for everyone, and some relationships just aren’t there anymore. But I guess it’s the idea behind it.

I never know how to treat the carpe diem, live like it’s your last day idea because of course if it was my last day, I wouldn’t want to be angry at the people I love. I think it’s hard to live like that. Because if it was my last day, I wouldn’t want to fight, I would want things to be okay. I don’t know if I would want the illusion things are okay if they aren’t, but things that matter to me in the scheme of life things, wouldn’t. I wouldn’t worry about the resentment, the anger, the feelings. I would just want to spend it happy with the people I love. And I do want to, everyday I want things to work out and to be happy, but I think if I truly lived carpe diem style, it would let a lot of things go. I don’t know if what would result would be a fantasy, an illusion that things are okay when they’re not, but things I feel that may be important now, wouldn’t be. I feel carpe diem, a truly carpe diem mindset, would let a lot of things I care about go, a lot of feelings I feel truly deeply go.

I don’t think it’s a solution, but I think it’s just a thought.

I spent a lot of time being lonely and sad, but I wanted to write a post about what makes me happy. These are clearly not the only things, but some I was thinking about recently.

1) Reading

2) Drinking Tea

3) Baking and/or Cooking (especially while listening to music)

4) Watching a favorite movie or show

5) Having a nice glass of wine

6) Feeling the rain on my skin

7) Feeling the wind whip through my hair

8) Getting ready in the morning

A short list, but something I want to remember as things get more stressful, to not only savor the moments that make me happy, but to try to put more of these in my life.

I love books, so there will be most certainly more of these posts. This is your fair warning.

I was thinking about where I got some of the ideas I have came from. I was thinking about the books I read when I was a child.

So one of my earliest memories of reading was, I think in second grade, reading the entire collection, they had, of Encyclopedia Brown. I have always read a ton and my parents read a lot to me. But some other books I remember reading were the Tamora Pierce books. I loved, and still do love, them. I read the Alanna books as well as the Daine ones, those are the ones I loved the most. The Circle of Magic and Trickster’s ones came out after that phase of mine. I loved the Alanna and Daine. They were strong females who made their own decisions. I realize they also had a heterosexual relationship as well, which took up plot time. But for a younger me, they inspired me that things were possible if you wanted them enough.

I also loved the Abhorsen series by Garth Nix for similar reasons. It had less to do with romance, and more so with dealing with the situations you have in your life, even if you think you aren’t prepared, with strength.

I was recently thinking about these books and have vowed to reread them. I want to take a stroll down memory lane.