Author: Liljumper

As for violin, I think what I missed was feeling part of a musical experience.

I used to be part of an orchestra yes, but I was part of a sound experience. It was a way to transcend our bodies and blend into the music. To lose the boundaries between our ears and the hall. It’s a way to lose oneself.

That’s what I miss. I was never phenomenal at violin, so I don’t miss that, but I miss being a part of that large sound.

And so I shall just immerse myself in musical experiences. Relatively easy fix.

As for dance, I think I just miss that total abandon. It’s freeing to succumb to the beat, to not care. There are two aspects: choreography and then free dance.

I like both a lot. Choreography because it’s movement that someone else has designed that is beautiful. We all fit together in a seamless piece of art. It’s feeling that you’re part of a larger something, a something that is beautiful. It’s an active experience in art. With free dance, the beauty and freedom is just moving, letting your body move with you. Abandon sense, abandon insecurity, and just move. Don’t care if it’s repetitive, if it’s ‘dumb’ movements, if you can’t ‘pull it off’, it’s you. It’s dance. That’s what I miss, but that’s what I can just do in my apartment.

We used to have nightly dance parties for a couple songs and it was fun. It wasn’t going to a club, it was better. We controlled our music. And it wasn’t the long time commitment of going out, it was in our pyjamas, so it was even more fun.

Take a dance recess. And see how you feel.

Because of my recent concert experience, I have been thinking a lot about my former schoolhood hobbies: gymnastics, dance, and violin.

I quite gymnastics due to an injury and haven’t tried again. I still get some joint pains in my knees after exercising, so I definitely don’t miss that. But I do miss the physicality of it. Maybe I miss flying through the air. Maybe I miss the enthusiasm and lack of fear I used to have. Because I think that’s what really killed it for me. After my injury, the amount of fear I had was astronomical compared to what I had before. It wasn’t really a thrill, it was more a calculated choice. I didn’t get off on the risk before, but I didn’t really realize it was a risk. That first moment I felt the danger, I felt the risk. I’m not a thrill seeker, so continuing wasn’t in it for me.

But I do miss it, I miss flying without fear.

And that’s the real thing, even if I went back, it would never be the same. Maybe that’s why I haven’t tried, because it can never be the same. And I want the memories of flying in my mind, I don’t want memories of fear and risk to override them.

I like to think that by not returning, I leave them in a state of childhood innocence. Because it will never be like it was before. And knowing that, I can safely move on from my sighing and do pilates.

I have recently been doing something where every month I write down 30 goals of mine. They range from brushing my teeth everyday, to developing a more positive outlook on life.

Some I achieve, some I don’t. I’m pretty flexible with my goals, if I don’t every day or not even in the month, that’s fine.

It’s more about setting goals, having a goal in mind, that I can work towards. It’s about concretely defining them and working towards them. I hang the list where I store my clothes, so I see them at least once a day. They remind me where I am in life and where I want to be.

At the end of the month, I read the list and reflect. I pat myself on the back for the ones I fulfill, and then put the ones I don’t, either on the list for the next month, or forget it. It’s not about getting them checked off the list for me, it’s about having a sense of purpose, having a vision of the future.

I may not know what I want to be doing in life, what job I want, but I do have a good sense of the person I want to be and the people I want to have around me.

For now, that’s more than enough.

This list thing isn’t large, it doesn’t even make me a 100 percent better person, but I like to think that just by writing it, it already makes me better.

It’s a commitment to myself to be better, to not cheat myself, and to forever move forwards. It’s enough.

I have been to three different libraries here so far. The public library, the university library, and the subject library.

I’ve encountered some interesting things. I have had lots of previous experience with libraries in my life. I’ve loved them since I was young. I spent hours in them reading, I’ve spent hours in them checking out books, and spent hours in them writing my thesis.

I was really excited to see the libraries here. They definitely work differently.

First off, if there are metal detectors, they aren’t used for the primary use of preventing stealing. Well, maybe they are, I shall explain. You have to put your belongings into lockers, your bags and jackets if you want to stay in the library. They won’t let you enter or stay if you don’t. I found this strange because I don’t think it’s a very effective way to prevent stealing. They didn’t even have the two books I was looking for. When I asked where they were, they didn’t know. Additionally, the librarians aren’t even ever watchful, they don’t survey the scene, they just sit at their desk. This isn’t the same, I don’t think, for the public library (although you do need to put your belongings in the locker there).

Secondly, to check out books. One’s library has a number on the card which corresponds to the shelf your books will be on when you go to collect them. You enter into a room, without bags and jackets, and look for that shelf. Then you look on that shelf for your books and take them to the librarian who will check them out for you.

Those are the two things I’ve noticed that are different about the libraries here.

I thought to help me get a sense of what to do to make me happy, to list some things.

Maybe I’m really just a simple person. The people around me and books really make me happy.

I love to sit down with books, I love to spend time with the people I love. I like to make yummy tasting and looking food. I like to be surrounded by intelligent conversation. I like walking outside. I like doing pilates.

In my mind, I can’t think of the ultimate, “where I’ll be in 5 years dream”. Because I’m happy where I am. Things aren’t perfect, but I’m making the best of them.

Perhaps I’m living a sort of dream in many ways.

But I guess I need to now think about what makes me happy on a larger level.

Activism makes me happy, but now that I’ve left University in the states, I don’t know how to do that here. I also don’t know what that will look like in the future. But that makes me feel good.

Experiencing new places and cultures makes me happy. I would love to travel more.

I have also been thinking about back up options.

What are they even? Are they the things you do when you don’t know what to do next? When you feel stagnant?

Are they the next best thing?

Because if they are, if they’re truly the back up plan when our dreams fail, how do you escape the shadow of the dreams?

I don’t have one really because I don’t have a dream in a sense.

Although one could say that teaching English is a back up plan, and it is. But is it? I guess I don’t really know what a back up plan is.

Could it be I’ve been so busy on a path getting what I want that I forgot throughout it to dream?

Maybe my dream is just to do what makes me happy.

I want to have a better sense of what I’m doing and being prepared if things fail, but I can’t also help thinking about what will happen.

Maybe not having a back up plan is being unprepared. Is it?

This weekend I did a couple of things.

On Friday I hosted a potluck and invite five new friends from the Masters program here. I think it went really well! We had so much extra food, and it went on for a couple hours. More people wanted to come, and, from what I can tell, everyone had a good time. I hope to do another one this month!

On Saturday we went to dinner with a friend at an Italian restaurant. One of my favorite places in Germany. It was fantastic food and it was nice company.

Then yesterday we went to a Kina Grannis concert! It was fabulous and we went to the preshow meet and greet. I got to hug her and take a photo with her and get her autograph! So that was pretty great. She’s so talented and it was so great to see her acoustic and live.

All in all, great weekend. And more to come!

I have never really though about what my dream was. I knew I wanted to pursue what makes me happy, and I have. I’ve studied literature, I like in Munich now. Some might say I’m living the dream.

But it wasn’t really a dream I had. It’s not like I spent nights awake thinking about it, dreaming about it when I was young. They were conscious choices to make to follow what made me happy.

In a sense, maybe that’s all you can ask of a dream.

But now that I’m here, I’m left with this idea, what is my dream?

What is my dream job, my dream house?

In some respects, maybe living in an idealized future isn’t the healthiest, but in another sense, having a goal, somewhere to go, seems like something I need.

I’m at a point in my life where I’m beginning to wonder, what’s next? What is the next decision I make to make myself happy, where will it take me and what will I be doing?

I’ve been thinking more and more and I don’t know if I want to teach. I could teach, but I don’t know if that’s something I want to do.

Getting here and doing what I’ve been doing would seem a waste if I ended up just doing something I could, not what makes me happy.

But what makes me happy?

Do I need to find my dream?

I admit everyone has down moments, times it’s hard to pick themselves up again. And I feel that. But what I’m talking about is consistent behavior where someone won’t take care of themselves.

It’s hard, because then you just are put into a role where you are taking care of them. I know everyone has limits and what not, and it’s important to give people time and space to change, but I’m just speaking from my own perspective.

And, as a disclaimer, I know I do things like this. I don’t speak up for myself enough, and I know that this, to others, will be exactly what bugs me. I am pretty human.

But what I’m upset about it is that it’s hard. And believe me the hypocrisy is not lost on myself.

But despite us all having those little things that we can’t change or get over, or habits we have, that bugs others, we all have that friend who can’t help themselves, who always complains about that one thing, and we all have that moment where we are frustrated.

It’s not about not loving someone, it’s not about hating them, it’s a very human feeling of frustration.

Whether that be, ‘I want my friend to see she’s not ugly, but is so astonishingly beautiful’ or ‘I want me friend to see themselves like I do’. We all think that at one point.

And it’s this reminder that we’re all human. Sometimes we can’t see what’s straight in front of our noses. We can’t see it, but everyone else can.

I’m not saying put yourselves in everyone’s shoes or take everyone’s judgement seriously, but I think it’s a worthwhile experience every once in a while to take a step back.

Last weekend I did a lot more than I usually do, and even more planned for this weekend!

Last weekend it was Halloween, on Thursday I had a date night and we made steak. It was delicious and nice to just reconnect. Since school has started, schedules are getting longer and more difficult to synchronize.

On Friday, we met up with a friend of a friend. It was really lovely to talk with fellow people who were experiencing a culture shock as well. Bonding over differences in culture.

On Saturday, I went to see Maze Runner. The film left something to be desired, but overall it was okay. There were some differences to the books, which I got through before the film to prepare myself that left me feeling a bit more dissatisfied with the movie. But overall it was nice to see the things in my head played out by real people.

On Sunday, I attended a Graham Waterhouse concert which was phenomenal. I rarely go to concerts, but I really enjoyed it. It made me super nostalgic about violin playing, and it made me want to see more!