Because of my recent concert experience, I have been thinking a lot about my former schoolhood hobbies: gymnastics, dance, and violin.
I quite gymnastics due to an injury and haven’t tried again. I still get some joint pains in my knees after exercising, so I definitely don’t miss that. But I do miss the physicality of it. Maybe I miss flying through the air. Maybe I miss the enthusiasm and lack of fear I used to have. Because I think that’s what really killed it for me. After my injury, the amount of fear I had was astronomical compared to what I had before. It wasn’t really a thrill, it was more a calculated choice. I didn’t get off on the risk before, but I didn’t really realize it was a risk. That first moment I felt the danger, I felt the risk. I’m not a thrill seeker, so continuing wasn’t in it for me.
But I do miss it, I miss flying without fear.
And that’s the real thing, even if I went back, it would never be the same. Maybe that’s why I haven’t tried, because it can never be the same. And I want the memories of flying in my mind, I don’t want memories of fear and risk to override them.
I like to think that by not returning, I leave them in a state of childhood innocence. Because it will never be like it was before. And knowing that, I can safely move on from my sighing and do pilates.