Author: Liljumper

I will never be able to pronounce the German R. I have been listening to tons of German, obviously, but no matter how much I try, and I have, I cannot pronounce the German R. It’s not a full blown rolled R, but it’s not a normal, to me, R. I can’t do it. I have learned to accept it, and it will indefinitely make me sound like a non-native, but I have a ridiculous amount of work before I even stated sounding good, so I guess I could try, and I will, but it’s not happening.

I have this one lecture class with a ridiculous amount of people in it, at least 100, and we sit in rows, kind of like that film college setting.

EXCEPT, no college film set would have seats like this.

There are desks, super old fashioned, and chairs like board of wood…oh wait that’s all they are! And they are super uncomfortable and you are so close to your neighbor, and that’s not even the worst part. There is absolutely no space to move between the rows. You have to put down your desk to do so. I literally do mean it when I say no space.

It is so uncomfortable and doesn’t make sense to me. I know it probably saves a lot of space, but it makes it impossible for people to enter after someone has sat down without disrupting everyone. And forget it for people who are late. They frequently sit on the floor.

And all I just think is, why?

It bothers me.

A few days ago I came back from Christmas break to find out my favorite tea store since I’ve lived here, went out of business. In an effort to track down the tea, I was determined to go to their other stores in Munich. Today I went to one.

It was magical and all I ever hoped for. The service was lovely and they had all the teas I wanted. It was truly awesome. Except for when we asked if they would have this seasonal tea next year, to which they replied they didn’t know if they would be there next year, but they could guarantee next month.

This threw me into a deep fit of sadness. I drink tea everyday, multiple pots a day. It makes me so happy to have tea and different kinds to experiment with. These weren’t just normal teas, they were special teas from a local retailer with wonderful service. I know it’s a reality that more businesses like these will go out of business, but the reality of it left me cold.

it left me sad and hopeless, wondering what I was going to do next Christmas, where I would get my next tea advent calender, my next special winter tea blend.

They made me feel at home, when nothing else could. A warm cup of tea was the brightest point of my day, the thing I looked forward to after a long day.

It left me wanting to not want anything. It left me thinking, why want things? The disappointment of not being able to have what I wanted seemed crushing. I just didn’t want it anymore. I didn’t want the lovely tea, I didn’t want to go to the beautiful tea store, because wanting was just too painful (isn’t that the case?).

Wanting was just too painful. Wanting and knowing it would end, knowing there would be a day I couldn’t get what I wanted, that it would be taken away from me one random day without anything I could do. It was a profound sense of sadness and lack of control.

I let that feeling control me for a while, feeling really sad and hopeless. I can totally understand how some people can feel this about other things larger than my tea store. Because people should be able to want things, to strive, but what happens if wanting really is too painful? If you’ve experienced let down so much that you don’t want to want. It reminds me of a story I read last year about a servant who was a hardworker, but once she is offered a sweet, she suffers a break that night and ends up killing her employer. In the class I had, it was explained that before she could never allow herself to want, to want to move up in life, to want things like sweets, but after she is permitted one, it opens up a flood gate for her and the wanting is just too consuming and causes those drastic actions.

While I don’t feel like I’ll go killing my employer (the primary reason being that I’m jobless…mostly), I can begin to understand a glimpse of that mindset.

While I didn’t let the feeling rule me (I have decided to stock up on all my favorite teas from there next month) it did teach me an important thing about the danger of desire.

(((On a side note, what if I buy all the teas I want, and it lets them survive another month? But then I don’t need anymore teas, and then they go out of business? Hardly likely, but maybe)))

 

Rereading Othello has given me a chance to look back at my own relationship history. History of one, but still a history.

I thought for a while, that I was a bit like Othello, the green monster of jealousy having possessed my body and seeing cheating where it was not.

I didn’t imagine it. It was there…all around and everywhere. Every person I suspected it being with, it was there, either in the physical or emotional action, or in the desire for it to be there.

It made me paranoid of everyone. Well not everyone, but everyone in my ex-partner’s life. And was I right to be? Well I was definitely right, but should it have been that way?

I sometimes wonder if it was all just my ex’s desire to cheat multiple times, or if it was a sort of self fulfilling prophecy. Where I expected to see cheating, I did. And perhaps I threw us into a cycle.

But it’s not like I first thought this. I had to get burned first to be suspicious. There was indeed a time in my relationship where I wasn’t jealous at all. I learned pretty fast. So maybe I grew into an Othello, and unlike Othello, my concerns were justified.

I don’t want to say it was my fault, because that denies their agency and their own choices.

Whether I suspected it or not does not give someone else the excuse to fulfill my suspicions.

It is important to take blame, but (like I learned in my relationship), taking too much of the blame, the blame which isn’t yours, is not helpful. It won’t solve anything and it isn’t right.

So just some thoughts on the matter.

I get an extreme shock when I see my own name. I sit there and think, huh? They’ve done that wrong, oh no wait, that’s someone else.

But it’s even worse when I hear them say it aloud. Because I can’t hear the differences in spelling that I see when I read.

I almost get whiplash from how fast I turn around looking for that person. A character in the book we were in lecture was named my name, and when I first heard the professor use that name, I felt a bit shocked.

At first every time I jolted, but it wore off for a while. And I thought, is this how people like Anna, and Emma feel? People whose name are more common? It must be, I’m sure they get used to it, but it’s so shocking to me.

And then I came home and started asking myself why? It’s a bit like when you see someone else in the mall wearing your favorite sweater, but EVEN WORSE because it’s your own name.

Something about your name seems more familiar, more personal. It’s like you own it, it’s more personal than clothes, belongings. It’s your identity wrapped up in a name. The very basic building block of identity and language, how others refer to you and you to yourself.

And even more so, it’s invisible, usually. It’s something you always carry, except no one sees it. So when you hear it other places, it’s even more shocking.

It felt a bit, like me, like I was being exposed. As if someone could see to that little name tag and called me out on it. As if they saw my secret name. I know it’s not actually secret, since my professor must know my name, but it still shocked me.

I know it’s silly to say, that is my name and my name alone, but that’s kind of how I felt. As in, that fictional character, the nerve, that is my name.

But maybe that’s also a part of growing up, when I was a child, I never would have thought others would have my name (which google does indeed confirm), and now that my world has expanded since I was a child, I know more about others and come into contact with more people.

I know for those who have popular names, they must be thinking, this person is totally crazy, just get over it.

Excuse my mini existential crisis, it’s still new to me. And I won’t have to get used to it, since people who have my name are few and far between. I actually don’t remember another person who has my name or spelling (and if they existed, maybe I repressed them).

So for now, it’s my name, and you may also be named it, but this specific one is mine.

So it’s now the new year and it’s time for….new years resolutions.

There are a lot of different new years resolutions camps, those who believe that they are stupid, those who believe a lot in them, those who fall off them.

I never really made resolutions, but after doing my monthly goals, I feel it’s only natural to do a new years resolution list. Mine aren’t very long, but it’s made me think a lot about my year. A lot of people are doing year in review, and to see mine, I guess I can just read my past posts. But I want to focus on the new year ahead of me.

Some of my resolutions are the typical eat more veggies, wear more sunblock, exercise, etc. But there are some, the majority of them, that are very important like, be less resentful, listen to your body, be more positive, be the friend you want, apply yourself to being happy, say sorry more, let go of some control, and be patient with yourself.

Part of that is being patient with myself if I do fall off the new years resolutions band wagon.

What are your new years resolutions?

Happy new years everyone!

A lot of things circle around today, goals missed, new goals set. I know I have a lot of my own goals to think about. But I try to live each day knowing I did the best I could, and that whatever happened, it happened. Knowing I did as much as I could, knowing I can’t change it, accepting and making peace with it.

It’s hard to let the past demons and past problems lie, but maybe that’s what today is about.

A unique day where the past and the future converge. Where we pay homage to the struggles and efforts of the past in order to step forward into the future.

It was the first snow this morning. I was beyond excited and wanted to stare outside the whole day. I didn’t have my snow boots, so I couldn’t go play, but I could watch and be in a beautiful winter wonderland.

There’s something so magical and ethereal about snow. The way it falls, sometimes so lazily to the ground, the way each snowflake is unique, the way it tranquilly blankets the world in white.

I truly love snow, and the first snow is so beautiful to me.

I used to think it was a good idea to pour myself into people, how else would they know I cared? I thought that was how you knew people cared, and, because I felt few did it for me, I thought not many truly ‘cared’.

But that’s not how it’s supposed to be. Everything in moderation. But even more so, if you pour yourself into someone else, other people, who are you?

You need to retain yourself, acknowledge your own limits and sometimes say no. I know, so crazy right? But it took me a long time, and still takes me too long, to say no, to say I can’t, to turn something, someone down. I used to think it was selfish, but it’s not. It’s acknowledging that you have limits, that you need time, that you can’t be everywhere and do everything.

I don’t want to be a cup with holes, I will always be thirsty if I drink from it.

And to be your very best with everyone, you can’t give yourself away. It’s hard and I think it’s something that is very much gendered for women.

Relationships shouldn’t be black holes. They shouldn’t pull you in and consume you. You can walk away, you can say no, you can take a break, you can even just take alone time for yourself. Everyone needs to recharge, it’s healthy and necessary. Running always just runs yourself down.

I think this is the thing I’ve learned the most over my life till now. A lot of things have changed this year and in my life. But this point always comes back to me.

I don’t have infinite time, nor infinite hands, if I try to juggle everything, more things will just fall down.

Merry Christmas to everyone! I wish you all warm wishes and loving thoughts. Enjoy the day, and if you don’t celebrate Christmas, take it as a day to show the people you love you are thankful for them (Because do we even need an excuse for that?)