I get an extreme shock when I see my own name. I sit there and think, huh? They’ve done that wrong, oh no wait, that’s someone else.
But it’s even worse when I hear them say it aloud. Because I can’t hear the differences in spelling that I see when I read.
I almost get whiplash from how fast I turn around looking for that person. A character in the book we were in lecture was named my name, and when I first heard the professor use that name, I felt a bit shocked.
At first every time I jolted, but it wore off for a while. And I thought, is this how people like Anna, and Emma feel? People whose name are more common? It must be, I’m sure they get used to it, but it’s so shocking to me.
And then I came home and started asking myself why? It’s a bit like when you see someone else in the mall wearing your favorite sweater, but EVEN WORSE because it’s your own name.
Something about your name seems more familiar, more personal. It’s like you own it, it’s more personal than clothes, belongings. It’s your identity wrapped up in a name. The very basic building block of identity and language, how others refer to you and you to yourself.
And even more so, it’s invisible, usually. It’s something you always carry, except no one sees it. So when you hear it other places, it’s even more shocking.
It felt a bit, like me, like I was being exposed. As if someone could see to that little name tag and called me out on it. As if they saw my secret name. I know it’s not actually secret, since my professor must know my name, but it still shocked me.
I know it’s silly to say, that is my name and my name alone, but that’s kind of how I felt. As in, that fictional character, the nerve, that is my name.
But maybe that’s also a part of growing up, when I was a child, I never would have thought others would have my name (which google does indeed confirm), and now that my world has expanded since I was a child, I know more about others and come into contact with more people.
I know for those who have popular names, they must be thinking, this person is totally crazy, just get over it.
Excuse my mini existential crisis, it’s still new to me. And I won’t have to get used to it, since people who have my name are few and far between. I actually don’t remember another person who has my name or spelling (and if they existed, maybe I repressed them).
So for now, it’s my name, and you may also be named it, but this specific one is mine.