Author: Liljumper

First off, Happy Easter Monday!

Here it is a large occasion and the stores are also closed, so were closed Friday, Sunday (as usual) and Monday. It takes lots of planning to get used to here.

I wanted to talk a little about the service I went to on Saturday night, that is when the first Easter celebration is.

They began with a dark church, and a Easter fire outside, which I could see through the windows, just the flickering flames. Outside there were people and they told the Easter story. I didn’t go outside because we were saving seats inside the church, which was so packed, more so than Christmas I feel. And after everyone came inside, then they brought a huge candle with the flame from the Easter fire. This Easter Candle then was used to light smaller candles, which then lit the candle on the rows and then each neighbor lit their neighbor’s candle, so that everyone had the flame of the Easter fire in front of them, if they brought a candle. The whole church is still dark, and so some of the service takes place with only the light from our little candles.

This was such a beautiful sight, seeing the church light up candle by candle. It happened quite quickly, but it still happened in principle one by one.

I’m not one to get mushy about religious functions, but this sight tugged a bit of my heart string.

I forgot my charger at home, so I couldn’t post till now, when I had to work stuff out, so this is post was written today and posted today, which hasn’t happened in a while. Usually I have posts written in advance. So also a special Easter gift too I suppose.

Happy Belated Easter!

I always want more books. My amazon wishlist is so long, I have hundreds of books, maybe, that I haven’t read that I want to and have bought, hundreds more I want to read that I haven’t.

And the other day, after thinking about the cost of makeup thought, in a breakthough, all the money I was using on makeup I could use on books!

I know some people might think it’s cheap to use incentives for yourself.

Like for me, I have already one that says that if I brush my teeth, take all my vitamins, and walk or work out for twenty one days I’ll reward myself with something, no clue what yet.

But I want to as well reward myself with a book once a month, probably on my kindle, when I don’t spend money on makeup.

It may not seem a lot, but I read a lot anyways, so even if I don’t do it one month, it’ll just go through my other collection, so not a huge consequence. But if I don’t, I’ll be able to get a new book! Which is always phenomenal.

It’s not a lot, but it’s something.

My March is totally shot, but I was hoping about April! I used to have a bet where if I didn’t spend anything on clothes or makeup or shoes that I would have 100 euros at the end in either a donation or a trip. There was also a consequence if I didn’t manage.

I don’t know if I’m that ready for that yet, but I can do this little part and see how it goes.

Good luck to me.

New goal for all of April, also my old goal because I’m not up to twenty one yet. It’s the brushing twice a day, I get it most days, but I need to do it consecutively.

I will! I believe in myself.

I am a divided buyer. There are some times where I am pretty impulsive and come back and think, what? And there are other times where I have researched something for hours and made a list…and then gone off occasionally.

It’s been a huge deal for me to pay less attention to makeup, less time researching it for further purchases which I always say no to, or buy impulsively.

A big part of it is just to take myself out of a situation in which I am exposed to it. But another is to change psychologically. I want it to be easier to say no. I am getting a lot better are being less impulsive and trying to get the best product and a good price.

A rule I’ve implemented for now is to only buy things I’ve done research on and know what is inside. That’s stopped me from buying little things impulsively. Because it’s not like I go out and buy a ton impulsively, it’s one or two things. When I have time to stew it over, and put it on a list, I can see if there’s something else already on the list and make a decision about which I want more. I can decide for the new few days how I would implement it in my life, if it would be new, or replace something.

I know some people only buy clothes when they can give away things. I want to do that too with clothes and makeup. Especially coming up to summer when there are things I won’t wear as much, all winter, or can’t imagine wearing for summer and can give away. I’ve started a bag in the hall where I put things for giveaway and need to make it public to everyone that if they see anything they want in there, they should give it a go.

It’s partly out a desire not to clutter my life, to be less grounded in the material, to be able to be more flexible, and to be more.

I am doing better, not done, but doing better everyday.

Makeup costs a ton. Like a lot.

I am not rich, I’m not poor, maybe I’m somewhere in between. But makeup costs an arm and a leg. There are definitely cheaper alternatives, but to get good quality, less chemicals, and what not, is expensive!

I look online all the time and I’m just like, how could I even buy this?

I am pretty happy with the collection I have, and in the process of replacing items with better quality products with less harmful chemicals, but still.

I look at some products I’ve tried in the past and wondered, what I was thinking.

But let’s face it, it’s a business. The business surrounds itself with advertising and the media which tell people, in the form of magazines and ads, what products we ‘need’ to be ‘beautiful’.

I have no idea how much of this has filtered into my mind, but I can’t deny that it hasn’t. I grew up surrounded by this.

There are days when I don’t wear a lot of makeup, and it makes me happy. But it honestly makes me happy to play around with makeup, to try new things, and experiment. For example, I love lip products. I have more of this than anything else, because I love changing it, even in the same day. I love bright reds, berries, and now am branching into different colors. It’s my favorite thing. I would wear just that and be so happy.

I can honestly say that I feel a lot differently about makeup now than I do. I used to feel like I was not as pretty until I put some on, that I needed to have some to have respect. But now I feel better about minimal looks with statement features. I am getting a lot better about buying less makeup and about my own self image. I still get pretty self-conscious, but I am getting a whole heck better.

I’ve also started trying to declutter, if I try something and don’t like it, move on. I want to be smart about my choices. Choose things that are new that I don’t have, or replace old things.

I am getting a lot better at it.

I am going to do a series of posts, starting today, of certain topics relating to myself and make up. Just thought I’d put that out there and give this week a cute little title.

When I was walking the other day, I was asked: Well what do you really ever truly know? And for a lot of things, I really second guessed what I thought I knew, but I wanted to try to start with the things I really honestly knew, without any doubt.

I am sure with enough time I could come up with a ton of other lists or things, but the first thing I thought of was:

I know, with 100 percent certainty, no doubt, that my parents love me, support me, and would do anything for me that they could.

There was, at that moment, nothing clearer or more firm. Because even hours later, days later, weeks later, I still know that one things in my mind. In fact, every day so far in my gratitude journal, I have been writing my parents. The effects of their love and support have helped me be the person I am today.

There are a lot of things I know, but there aren’t as many things that I would bet my life on. There are things I know are true. But I would bet anything I have in the world on my parents.

This isn’t to say that I don’t know other things with certainty, but this is the first I thought of.

I recently saw this article on facebook concerning Diane Sawyer’s marriage advice.

And this quote really stuck with me.

“I learned something great on one of the stories I did,” she says. “Someone said to me… ‘A criticism is just a really bad way of making a request. So why don’t you just make the request? Why don’t you just say, Could we work out this thing that makes me feel this way?'”

Because it’s pretty true. When I criticize I most definitely want something to change. If I say, hypothetically, “you’re a slob” then I am basically saying, please pick up around here.

I am not the best person with blame. I am one of those people who are quickly angry and often blame others in the process.

I am trying to get a lot better at this, but let’s just admit that it’s a pretty steep hill to climb up.

I’m trying, when I’m angry to take a step back and consider a lot of things:

1) why am I really angry

2) are there underlying issues underneath

3) how can I fix this

I find after considering number one, a lot of the blame is gone. There are times when there is legitimate blame, but sometimes it’s just I’m upset about something, that may be their fault, but haven’t said it yet. Which leads me to number two when I realize that maybe this regards a deeper feeling I’ve been feeling or hiding or something I never even knew existed. That’s the biggest revelation in my process. How when I take the time to do this process, I realize things I didn’t even realize bothered me or was upset about. Then when I get to number three, I usually have a request instead, or a “knowing this, can we fix it?”

I realize it’s a better process, and after my quick temper, I go through these three, but I have to learn to count before I raise my voice.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to be less quick tempered, because sometimes I feel like the only time I could do that was if I was one of those super serene monks and I can’t see myself doing that. But I am trying.

Which has to count for something.

 

I wish that I could get all the people I love to take a survey of all the things they see about me. I feel like I get so caught up in how I see myself, that I would want to see how others see me. How they see me, how they see my image, what they perceive as flaws. I am so interested in this that I’ve thought about logistics about how I could get this done.

I watched a video on the internet about dealing with haters and criticism. They saw them as a critique and a way to possibly be better. To use the criticism, decide if they want to address it, or ignore it. I kind of want to do that, except I definitely don’t have the amount of guts she has. I am also a pretty mushy soft feely person. I take a lot of things personally and what not. But maybe that’s also a flaw people would say?

I am so intrigued. If I can ever find a way to do it, you will most certainly get an email from me.

Don’t you ever wonder about this? And I can’t think of any other people who I would value their opinions more. I know I’m not perfect, but I want to be better. I want to always try to be more. I realize I have flaws: I am so impatient, I have a quick temper. But I want to know if there’s more, no matter how small that I’m being blind to.

Just know you can always email me and let me know. I would appreciate the feedback.

Am I the only one? Maybe people would argue that the best way to do this would be to reflect alone and not be swayed by what others think. But I can be the most perfect person in my head, but being a good person is reflected in how I treat people.

 

It’s funny how there are just things that are not re-creatable.

Case in point: my mom’s eggs.

I have tried countless times to make the same, or make them better (which I have learned by now is impossible), but it’s only mom who knows how to make them moist, but dry. She has the perfect form and I’m sure even if she helped me learn, but it wouldn’t be the same.

Because there are just some things that stay as they are. They cannot be improved. So what happens? I just don’t eat scrambled eggs.

I’m not saying this as a sob story, I’m just reflecting on the way that some food, no matter what, can never be recreated.

Those beautiful, warm, moist, dry eggs are, and will always, be the best when, and only when, my mom makes them.

My mom did a lot of cooking and baking, so she’s pretty emblematic of food for me, eating, cooking, smelling, seeing. And lots of times I get by, I make quiches, I make cupcakes, and they’re fine alternatives. But these eggs, there is no replacement.

I guess it doesn’t help that I firmly believe there will never be a replacement (a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy huh?) but it is indeed what I believe.

And it’s what I want as well. Who cares I can’t really eat others eggs? (Although I have had some great eggs in the past, especially in Boston) they were fancy eggs, they weren’t every morning eggs for me. They didn’t come on oval plates. So I can eat eggs, just to clarify.

But for nostalgia sake they don’t compare to those plain eggs. But it’s okay with me. It’s okay for me not to try, because I know that it’s how I want it to be.

The eggs from my mom are the best because she pours all the love she has for me into them, she always has.

And that’s the best way I will ever be able to express it.

I love my mom’s scrambled eggs.

Everyone knows this. Whether it be romantic or not. They are totally just work. Don’t get me wrong, there’s fun and laughter and hope and all these things in between, but they don’t exist without work.

It takes work to make relationships…well, work. It takes listening to people’s complaints, arguing, and time to bond. It takes time to connect with someone. There are instant connections, but even to develop them takes work.

There’s this whole social dance of social engagement. Work to figure out when to ask someone out, what their vocal cues mean, where to go, what impression to give off. It takes work to decode this, like a translation.

But there’s the hard, sweaty, tearstained grit of the work. And sometimes, it just doesn’t work out. It’s totally hard and sometimes I want to give up. Work is hard, but nothing of worth happens easily. Even things that come easily, don’t stay easily. It takes effort and work to get something good, something great, something phenomenal from it.

And it’s okay to not. It’s okay to let it go. It’s okay to say, “hey, this work isn’t worth it”

But there’s just this conception with these ‘fairy tale romances’ where once the ‘love connection’ happens, it all just sort of falls into place. What happens to people once the story ends? Once the credits roll?

The work begins.