Author: Liljumper

I noticed how my eating behavior changes whether I’m eating with my partner or not.

This happens all the time with my partner. My partner eats more than I do , and faster than I do, and frequently can finish the food of others. My partner has a totally different eating schedule that doesn’t always coincide with mine as well. For these reasons, and many more, my eating habits are changed since I’ve gotten here.

I noticed it when I was in England and eating alone, well in a group, but without my partner. I ate a lot more. I shared food a ton, but when I ordered my food, I seemed to find more space.

And I realized it’s because I stop myself at just shy of full and offer the food I have to my partner. I did this subconsciously without thinking about it. I don’t blame him, it was my decision, but it’s something I noticed.

I eat enough to be full and offer the food. It’s something I’ve tried to get better at. But my partner eats more than I do and faster, so it usually works.

I’m not placing blame at all, I’m merely sharing what I have observed.

And in England, I just kept eating, I did get too full and have to offer some food up, but I passed just shy of full and went on.

But even now, I still feel guilty when I am not done, and there’s food on my plate I could give away and still be full.

So it’s clearly not all gone, but that’s okay with me. Progress is slow and finding my own limits is difficult, but I’m getting better at it.

I rarely like to get into contact with people. There are exceptions of course, friends and family, but with strangers I don’t appreciate them coming within my personal space bubble.

I don’t like it for many reasons. First of all, I like my personal bubble. Second, I think it’s rude. Third, it’s also a matter of safety.

For whatever reason the other day a man got into my personal bubble. The train wasn’t even that crowded, it was getting full, but it wasn’t packed. And either way he decided to move into my space where I had to move to accommodate him. Even then he still bumped into me.

And this really bothered me, if it was me, or even just, usually, another woman this wouldn’t have happened. I hate intruding into other’s personal space and always feel tremendously guilty about it and avoid it at all costs. As well, this is what I have encountered with women as well.

It’s not only on a train that I encounter this, but also on the street. When two people are walking towards each other, I always move, and I’ve found when I don’t, and a man is walking towards me, he will not move. It’s like I am expected to move, and if I don’t, then I get run into.

What is it about the gender differences that encourage women to shrink into spaces, to move away, and men to expand?

I’m not saying all people are like this, obviously there are exceptions, but this is just a general trend I’ve run into.

Why should I have to shrink away to nothing in order to live? Maybe that’s a very elitist thing to think, that I deserve space, but I think I shouldn’t have to monitor all the time the space I take up and then shrink, and then still get bumped into. That’s just the last straw.

I deserve to have the space I need to breathe, to live, to exist.

I could never be an editor. While I think I can offer good advice and suggestions, I am not discerning enough.

For one, I usually find the best in books especially. I am not very picky, and it doesn’t take a lot for me to think it’s an okay, if not good  book. I also have very specific weak spots that aren’t the best books, but will keep me coming back. I’m not picky enough. I can usually find things that will redeem it in my mind. I’ve rarely, if ever, given a book two stars on Goodreads.

And secondly, I don’t think I could tell someone their stuff isn’t good and they need to take out things. I don’t like confrontation and so that would be difficult enough, but as well I don’t have the personality to do that. It’s not ruthlessness, but I don’t have that quality of brutal honesty usually. I can be if I need to be, but I would say I am one of tact and grace. I like the path of least resistance, in certain cases, and I don’t like confrontation or stress.

I myself am very sensitive to critique and criticism, so to be on the other end of that would be difficult, I think, to do.

So am I sure of what I would do? No, but at this moment, I don’t think I have it in me to be an editor.

But maybe given what I said above, I would be able to edit in a kind and considerate way and do so with support? I guess I could try.

But I even hate editing my own work, but maybe I would be better at editing someone else’s work?

I also don’t want to merge my passion and hobby – reading and my job. I don’t want there to be a chance I wouldn’t enjoy reading.

So maybe I’m just not cut out for it.

I used to play the Sims all the time and it always made me think, what if we are all Sims?

What if there’s someone up there, not necessarily looking after us, but controlling our motions? We, like in most of the games, would have our own sense of free will, but a controller of some sort above us?

It’s a crazy sort of idea, and I’ve just abandoned it, but it just makes me wonder.

We can’t really ever know for sure, so who is to say my idea is more of less crazy?

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t really believe this, so if you disagree, it’s totally fine with me.

But if we can never know for certain, so the possibility could exist, yes?

I don’t really have anything else to say about this topic, it’s just an idea I get sometimes when I wonder both about if I am a sim, and how I would even know if I was.

There are certain people or certain situations where I wonder, what if.

I think it’s a natural tendency to look at your life with curiosity and wonder how things would be different if a situation changed or actions with a person were changed. How might things have changed? Would the life now be the same?

Of course not. Every small individual action that happens changes the life we lead, maybe in small imperceptible differences, but in some way none the less.

It’s sort of a fun thought experiment to wonder what would have happened, but it’s important not to get lost in it. I can’t go back and change what happened, so while it is a rainy day dream, it can never be more than that. Even trying to recreate it or finally say things you wish you had won’t bring you back to that moment.

That moment is something that will never come back. We can never recapture it or relive in, not in the same way as we do when we live the moment. With the benefit of hindsight we could all be different, maybe better or worse people, but we only have the benefit of hindsight after the moment is over. A realization like this forces us to live in the moment, knowing we can never repeat it or recapture it. We must live knowing that our actions and words can never be deleted or changed, not like on the internet. We must live knowing to savor the moment when it’s precious, even if we could go back, knowing it would never be the same. It forces us to be in the present, completely, and ultimately, because anything else is a dream.

There’s something so intoxicating about flying.

There’s an utter terror that I feel whenever we take off where I hold my breath and count to ten until I remember how to breathe.

But after that, there’s this sense of weightlessness and clarity.

Above the world without control, there’s a moment of inner peace (for me), where I hand over the reigns and resign myself to whatever happens.

I fly above the clouds and above the people, above all that lies beneath me. I know at some point I’ll touch down again and be returned to the real world, but for the moment, I exist quite literally above it.

The only problems I have are those with me.

And then there’s that heart stopping moment when we descend from above the beautiful pillowy clouds and the view from above takes your breath away. The world is instantly returned back to you, and there’s a moment where everything else in the world just seems so small, so tiny.

It makes me feel so light and above the world, not in a superior way, but in a literal sense.

And isn’t it a wonder that people even figured out how to do this flying business? A person thought one day, I could do this and they risked their life to try. Courage.

I am always in awe.

I returned on Friday from my trip to England, but needed the whole weekend to rest. I slept almost entirely one day. I returned seriously stressed and sleep deprived and needed the safe and secure place to sleep.

I’ll elaborate on the trip in a series of blog posts after this, but I just wanted to give a quick update.

The trip was beautiful, stressful, and intense.

There were moments of exquisite sights, intense frustration, and sleep deprivation.

But I survived, my luggage and I. I came out alive and now I just need to rest and gain back some of my sanity.

I leave today for a week excursion to England. I am a bit anxious about it because there has been a severe lack of details until the last minute, in my mind. And so I haven’t even had that much time to be excited about it. But I am trying to keep an open eye. I am surrendering control to someone else, my professor, to plan this and it has been nerve wracking. Only the after can tell you if it was a good experience. It’s been really hard not knowing the details and not being in control, or informed of the plans. I can’t say I would love to repeat the experience. But I will try to learn from it, if I can.

I am going to try to approach it with an open mind and take what I can from it.

And I’m going with my friends, so if it’s bad, at least misery will have company.

During the time away, there probably won’t be any new posts, just as a heads up.

We were recently talking about social media and facebook at a get together I had. Some people thought that looking at facebook news feeds just made them sad. It made them sad about all the things they ‘should’ be doing.

To an extent, I agree and understand where they’re coming from. When I first got here, and during college, I was always thinking about what I ‘should’ be doing. Whether that be traveling every weekend or going out dancing. I was concerned with trying to fulfill an image of what the typical experience was like. It didn’t bother me a lot, but it weighed upon me when I thought about what I could be doing. But I grew out of it. I realized pretty quickly, that this was just life here, it wasn’t something fantastically different, and I didn’t need to fulfill an image.

I don’t travel that much, because I have friends, a life, work, school, priorities here. There’s this image that we should travel when we go abroad, and for those who do that, great, I admire you. But I love staying at home and eating with friends. If I travel, I want it planned and everything sorted, I rarely get up and go. And I like company when I travel, so it’s even harder to plan.

But watching all my friends travel made me think, you should do that. Some of them go every weekend and don’t do their work or hang out with friends who won’t travel with them. I like hosting, I like being surrounded, sometimes, with people, food, and laughter.

So I’m kind of done with this whole image, this whole fulfilling the image of what an experience is supposed to be.

But back to facebook, for my friends it pointed out to them what they ‘ought’ to be doing here, or in their lives. They ‘ought’ to have children or be in a relationship or have a great job. But the small tidbits we see on facebook are just glimpses. They’re part of the poster’s image creation. It’s a second life where we see mostly the highlight reels, it’s where we see only what we are permitted to see, not even what we might want to see.

I don’t post that much on facebook. When I do sometimes, I find myself thinking, how will other people read it, how can I write something that people will enjoy and ‘like’. And now I never post.

I use that time to do something I enjoy.

I rarely dislike people a lot, it doesn’t happen to me that often. There are people I find frustrating or annoying, but dislike is something entirely different.

But there is this one person in my program I can’t stand. They (I know I’m using a plural pronoun, but I don’t want to give many clues to who this person is) think they know absolutely everything and think they are too good to talk in class because all of us other underlings are too stupid. They mock those who contribute to the class, making fun of them in the halls by name, saying that their contributions are so stupid and that they can’t bring themselves to contribute. They aren’t interested in helping others learn or sharing knowledge, but having a sense of arrogance and superiority. For what? I watched one of their presentations and it was so badly put together, incoherent, and was a total disgrace. And I thought, really? After all this talk, this is what your genius came up with? And their excuse was that they didn’t prepare and gave up half way through. Well then, you could have tried and exhibited a sense of determination, but instead you gave up.

Suffice it to say, I dislike this person. They don’t seem prepared and they think that because they are so smart they don’t feel they need to be prepared or do the work.

And I wonder, how did they become like this? Did people just think they were so phenomenal that no one ever said, you can’t really keep going like this? And to some degree, that’s true. Some other of my friends think they are so smart and are intimidated. They think that just because they know theory or philosophy that it means they are on top of us all.

I’m not stupid, but I don’t flaunt my intelligence around. I’ve spent, now, five years studying literature and theory. It’s not like I know nothing.

I usually don’t let it get to me, or even think about it, except when it’s brought up to me in a story my friend tells about this person.

It’s not even worth my energy to dislike this person, except I don’t spend too much energy on it. I know I’ll move on, because I have many things to do and a lot of work, but it irks me.

And so I have ranted, and that’s the end of it.