Author: Liljumper

I wouldn’t necessarily say I am a perfectionist. I don’t need to make sure the lines are straight or anything like that. What I do, though, is to expect perfection from the things I do: my grades, cleanliness (to a degree), those types of things. It’s not necessarily about things needing to be perfect, it’s a standard of behavior that I hold myself to.

The easiest way to see this is grades, A is the only thing that I strive for, and anything else is worse. I don’t have this attitude with anyone else, but me. So I never expect this of others or what not. So to a degree, I realize how strange it sounds.

It’s almost as if I expect perfect every time, the first time. This is something I really identified with Felicia Day’s biography, which I basically loved and bought the audiobook and the hard cover and had it shipped to Germany.

I realize how irrational it sounds, where is the learning? the growth? etc.

And to a degree I can understand those, because it’s rational. We need to grow, to change, and to learn. Mistakes are how we learn things. So I do understand.

But it’s taken me a really long time to get to this point, and I still have to say, my first reaction is disappointment. I don’t look at a bad grade or a mistake as a learning experience firstly. I look at it as a personal failure. I had a teacher who said that the grades were learning experiences. And they were. And it was something I had to deal with when I was younger, but I kind of thought I was over that now, matured and wiser now.

But I’ll never be perfect, the first time, or any time. Perfection is a dream, it’s irrational and unrealistic. Yet even as I say this, I know the next bad grade or mistake, I will feel as if it reflects some deep mistake and personal failing.

So all I can say is that to redefine my expectations of myself and my mistakes is a constant every day battle. It requires me to evaluate myself and separate certain actions and mistakes from my character and worth as a human being. You can make mistakes and not be a flawed human being. Human beings make mistakes.

But the mantra I need to repeat is: My mistake does not make me a flawed person.

There is a mistake and there is me and I am not my mistakes, I am the person who learns from her mistakes and does not make them again.

 

I was pretty unhappy overall the past year. It wasn’t a daily everyday thing, but it was a deep unhappiness. It was a year of change and growth, and change involves pain.

Coming back to Munich involved a lot of sadness, to leave home, but also fear, to return back to a place where I had felt unhappy. And there’s a difference between being unhappy about something, and that deep feeling of discontent or unhappiness.

So to combat these feelings, I thought I would approach my return back to Munich differently this time. I know now the way I could feel, and know the things that have made me unhappy.

So to combat my….

immense free time with only class a few times a week, I want to make a list of all the new things and experiences I want to have/do

feelings of isolation, to both make new friends, but have the courage to go off on my own and experience things

I want to live the life I want, not wait for that life to begin

Like I talked about in the last post, I take a long time to process things. In general. Whether it be sadness or upsetness, frustration, emotions in general.

I can be quick to anger and quick to emotion, but that’s not constructive in the way that after I put out the emotion, there isn’t a reason or a point to follow. It would just be an outburst.

But I’m the type of person who needs time to think about my emotions. I used to just explode, and it was bad for me because sometimes I wouldn’t even know why I was upset, but I knew I was. I need the time.

I need the time to come down from the heat of the moment and really think. Really think, how do I feel, what do I want to say, what is at the root of the problem.

It’s inconvenient for a lot of people and for my relationships because I need that time and in the middle of an argument or something I can’t process. I need that time, but also space, to be in my own head and see if something still does bother me, or if it changes shape.

It is frustrating for me as well, but it’s just how I process things in general. For example, it took me a while to figure out that I was being resentful when I moved to Munich. It took me days of processing, being upset, having time to think, and figuring out what was really going on. And that’s just how I seem to function now.

I can get upset or let out emotions right away, and sometimes that does go well, but it makes me uncomfortable. It feels unfinished to me. It feels like I am not prepared, I want to know how I’m feeling, and right in the moment, sometimes I don’t know.

Not everyone is like that, and everyone’s totally different. Other people want to talk immediately and sometimes I wish I could do that.

But ever since I’ve been taking longer to process, I’ve found it’s actually been beneficial, because I’ve realized the root of some of my anger/problems. For example, I’ve realized that it’s not the sink that bothers me, it’s the implication that I have the time to empty the sink and that someone else doesn’t (a different evaluation of the worth of our respective time). And it takes time for me to process why I am upset.

Often when I talk too soon, I regret it, and if there is a conclusion, it might not be the best, or even accurate if I come up with something that is bothering me afterwards, or the root of the problem afterwards.

There’s nothing saying my way is a correct way, but it does seem to be the way that has been working for me so far, and I think that’s important. Before I didn’t and I wasn’t happy with how things were being resolved, but now it’s getting better, and it’s really allowing me the space and patience with myself to learn what things bother me, and what my limits are.

I have immense jetlag. I went to bed at 8ppm here and woke up around 1 am, only to eat McDonalds and then go to sleep again around 5 to 12.

It was a wild night. Filled with tv shows, McDonalds, and sitting on the couch.

But it has made my day very sleepy.

Sleep loss is a strange thing, but it drives you crazy.

Anyway, am jetlagged, so I’m sorry the blog post was a late today!

I am off to clean up around the house after my master unpack yesterday (because I hate going to sleep when I’m still packed)

By the time this posts, this should be post number 218 and that’s so wild to me. I never thought this would be as popular as this has been. But the feedback I have gotten from people have encouraged me to keep this blog going. I have another blog which I have, but I don’t post as regularly because there’s a lack of audience, but for this one, there are so many people! I can see when people have viewed the posts and it’s so nice to know real people I know are reading this!

So thank you for all the support you all give me. Whenever you want to reach out, just write me an email, if you respond to the email the newletters are sent to, it won’t get to me, so it has to be my own personal email. I can read all of the comments, so that’s a good way to get in touch, but if you want to send me something privately, email is the best way. I’ll try to figure out if there’s a way to enable a contact me form or something when I return to Germany.

But thank you again! 🙂

In case anyone was sad or disappointed in the lack of post yesterday, we took a day trip to Watkins Glen and the Corning Glass Museum. It was an all day affair and I had no time to write one before or after. But I should return to the normal posting schedule tomorrow! So never fear 🙂

I return back to Germany Saturday! So very busy getting things done before I go: haircuts, packing, etc.

Support is:

Standing by someone, even if you don’t like what they do, but it makes them happy

Being there for someone no matter what

Seeing something someone would like and snapping a picture to them

Asking someone randomly how they are, just to check in

Writing someone to let them know you are thinking of them

Sharing hobbies, the other person may never understand, just to be able to share something you love

Appreciating people’s limits

A quick chat to say hello

A funny photo when you’re bored

Openness and acceptance to be the most true version of yourself

Like a big nice hug, that you know you can have whenever you want

 

I really like Doctor Who. And if you’ve never seen it, it’s a show about an alien who has a spaceship which is also a time machine. There’s a pretty big rule about not interfering with your own personal timeline and what not, but it makes me wonder (and impacted by my time here at home) what I would change if I could?

Would I be one of those people who tried to change the world and events? Or would I only be interested in myself? What would I do and how would that change me?

Because I do believe in the butterfly effect. What I do would change who I am and the world. Every decision has brought me to where I am today, and any changes might have changed it. I would be somewhere different.

But is that better? Desirable?

If I could time travel, would I tell myself to stop doing something or to change sooner? To be more mindful? To be better?

I do want to be better, but there’s a certain permanence that time travel erases. The actions and decisions we make have a finality. We can’t change it, and we have to move on and go on. Live with the choices we made and move onwards.

Onwards, never backwards.

Time travel is almost an escape, a way out. But it really isn’t.

There is a need to be present, to be aware now that time travel could erase.

I’m not really sure how this ends. But it’s just some thoughts I’ve had.

I have recently noticed a trend to need to be occupied. I noticed the other day that I had where I needed to be occupied.

Even when I’m alone, I’m thinking or talking to myself, somewhere where I’m always busy. The space alone, the silence in my head, scared me.

It was a reminder that I was alone with my time and with myself. So I filled it with videos, hobbies, things so I didn’t have to confront my alone time, my isolation.

But I’ve been trying to actively fight against that urge, that urge to always be doing something, to be constantly occupied. It’s alright for there to be quiet time, reflection, and just silence in my mind. It’s pretty hard to figure out how to do that, to quiet the inner voices that have kept me company.

But it’s something I need to do. I want to find that silence, to be present in the moment, without my inner voices intruding, making themselves known.

It used to scare me, but now it’s what I’m longing for. I want to be able to meditate, and quiet my thoughts. It’s something I’m chasing, this inner solitude. I want to feel at peace with myself, with my life. To be able to just pause, not have to be running, or at movement.

It’s something that is scary, and quite difficult, but it’s like exercise for the brain. It’s something that requires daily work, and mindfullness.

It’s something I’m not good at right now, but something I want to be better at.

I have recently met some friends who have described to me what overly sensitive people are like. It happened on my recent trip to England that there was someone who had upset someone else and she thought that they were being overly sensitive. I was friends with both, so I got to hear the perspectives of two people, which were both fairly accurate which was nice, not a he said she said.

But it began me to think if I was overly sensitive. Because I accurately fit that description. I do think I tend to over think things and take things personally and am a sensitive person.

If I think someone’s angry at me I can’t sleep, it takes me a couple days to process things and some moments where I felt I had maybe insulted someone haunt me days after. I think why would I have done that.

And I do get upset about a lot of things, things matter to me. It matters to me to have the house clean, or to be accepted, understood. And things mean more to me, a comment can mean different things and point to other thoughts that weren’t voiced.

So I definitely agree that I am a sensitive person. But overly?

My friend and I were talking and she thinks that there is no overly sensitive, only degrees of sensitivity and people need to be conscious of that.

I agree, because it’s pretty hard to quantify or define overly sensitive, it’s pretty subjective. And so, for that reason, I don’t know if anyone is overly sensitive. There is sensitive and fluidity of that category, but I don’t think there is a hard or fast line that says when someone is overly, or too much.

I think we also live in a culture that discourages types of sensitivity, although this is a tangent (somewhat). It’s a culture that bombards us with images and really makes us less sensitive, to images of war, violence. People lose their sensitivity. They don’t become heartless monsters, but they become hardened to it. And maybe some people never get over it.

I am also very aware of the different ramifications my sensitivity has for my gender, how I need to act to be respected and get my point across, only for it to be misunderstood again. Even when arguing, because all my emotions can come out at once, I need time to process, to figure out how I feel and decide how to act, if I want to act, at all on them. But more on that later.

Bottom line, I agree. I do think there isn’t overly sensitive, there is just varying degrees that other people need to be aware of.

It doesn’t make sense for someone to arbitrarily draw a line in the sand and say after this point, it’s excessive and shouldn’t be treated seriously. It’s certainly not something to be shamed. And it’s something that can’t really be defined at all. It’s not so crazy of a concept, there’s just varying degrees of things, personality traits, ethnicity, preferences, etc.

Having dealt with that person who was labeled as such, I don’t think they were overly sensitive. And to be clear, this isn’t about sensitive people, it’s about the label, ‘over sensitive’.

Everyone obviously is entitled to their own opinion, but I don’t think I am overly sensitive, definitely sensitive. And to be fair, no one has called me overly sensitive. It’s just something that’s been in my mind since England.

It’s like a spectrum of the rainbow, to everyone the line between red and orange could be different. It’s just a line that is hard to draw, for anyone, and it’s a very personal line/distinction.