I have recently noticed a trend to need to be occupied. I noticed the other day that I had where I needed to be occupied.
Even when I’m alone, I’m thinking or talking to myself, somewhere where I’m always busy. The space alone, the silence in my head, scared me.
It was a reminder that I was alone with my time and with myself. So I filled it with videos, hobbies, things so I didn’t have to confront my alone time, my isolation.
But I’ve been trying to actively fight against that urge, that urge to always be doing something, to be constantly occupied. It’s alright for there to be quiet time, reflection, and just silence in my mind. It’s pretty hard to figure out how to do that, to quiet the inner voices that have kept me company.
But it’s something I need to do. I want to find that silence, to be present in the moment, without my inner voices intruding, making themselves known.
It used to scare me, but now it’s what I’m longing for. I want to be able to meditate, and quiet my thoughts. It’s something I’m chasing, this inner solitude. I want to feel at peace with myself, with my life. To be able to just pause, not have to be running, or at movement.
It’s something that is scary, and quite difficult, but it’s like exercise for the brain. It’s something that requires daily work, and mindfullness.
It’s something I’m not good at right now, but something I want to be better at.