Liljumper’s Adventures

I dislike doing laundry in Munich. I have to walk up these cold stairs (where I always envision bad things happening, like emergencies or being chased) and then go to a laundry room twice (once to deposit the laundry and another to collect it). I have rationalized this fear by delegating this chore to the other half (in return for my doing of the dishes, folding the clothes, etc). And that has worked, but I’ve come to realize that I should do what I can.

I should do all I can to make my life, our life, as good as I can. And, to me, that includes getting laundry out of the way, folded. There’s no reason why I shouldn’t do the laundry. I have feet and hands and can walk up the stairs.

I should do the laundry because it a) weighs on my mind, b) I have the time to do it, wash it, and fold it and c) I should always be thinking of things to do to improve the surroundings around me and the life of my partner.

I think that’s not only the nice thing to do, but the decent thing to do. Why shouldn’t I pick up some slack if I have time and don’t mind? Plus doing the laundry actually makes me feel really good, I feel productive and I feel like I’m doing a good thing.

So it’s a win win! I’m not saying I am going to take over the laundry completely and forever – um no. But I am saying that, when I can, I will.

Because that’s what people should do. Help others (and yourself!) whenever you can. Everyone has things to do, and if we can just do one little thing, then let’s do it. The larger question is – why not?

 

At this moment, I am in the air flying towards home for Christmas. This will be my first Christmas home in three years. This will be the third year (I never know how to count these things).

I am very happy to be able to go home and spend Christmas and New Years at home. It feels like a great culmination to a not so great school session. It will be relaxing and beautiful and I am so very excited.

It will also be sad in some ways. I will miss my friends here, my partner, and some of the routines I have adapted here.

It comes with some good and comes with some sad. I’ll take both. See you soon NY 🙂

I have found it hard to make friends here. In the beginning it was difficult for me to open up and make friends, either when I was sad inside or just in general a shy person. I open up more with people I am comfortable with, so it’s hard for me to get out of my comfort zone and be outgoing. I also have the general impression that people don’t usually like me (which I have no idea where that came from) until they know a bit about me and then they would like me. I don’t think I’m a bad person.

So in the beginning, for a while, I always baked something or had food to share so that I could always share it. I would bake something every week not for me, but for the purpose of giving them to people. And this was how I made friends. I would give them food and my number. Almost like bribery. And that’s how it felt for a bit, until you get to talking and get to know them.

But that’s how I decided to make friends with the first batch. Then some friends I got because I went on a trip to England with them and that hooked me up with some more people.

Now I’m pretty happy with my friend situation. I have distinct groups and they’re all really sweet. But finding, being friends, that was hard for me to do.

I am really proud of myself that I did, and I kept bringing things and I put it upon myself to invite them out, to invite them over, to cook for them, and bake. But it was hard to do, to get out of my comfort zone and say hello.

So hello with a cookie seemed to be easier.

What are my fears?

I am afraid of spiders. But this isn’t uncommon or not known about me. I actually have nightmares where spiders are thrown at me (and screamed in my sleep) or wake myself up when they jump on me.

I am very susceptible to psychological fears, like the supernatural, ghosts, etc.

I have a fear of someone breaking into my apartment (this has happened).

But what about my deep fears within?

I am afraid of disappointment. I am always afraid to disappoint my parents. They are the most important people to me and their opinion means everything to me.

I am afraid of failure (closely linked with disappointment). I would never want to fail and disappoint my parents. But I am also afraid of general failure. Although there is the saying that there is no greater fear than the failure to try…that’s hard for me to put into my life (but I’m trying to adopt that mindset).

These fears seem pretty common, I can imagine other people having it. But I think that these are my deepest fears.

So I guess my deepest fear within is that I will be a failure and disappointment to the people who love me most.

 

When I was testing out the scheduling function for my blog, I made a mistake and it ended up posting my tester early and what not.

I didn’t know you could post to the past! Freaky time travel.

Anyway, disregard it and my apologies for my mistake going public!

I am a flawed human being.

I am not a robot.

I was playing around with the scheduling system and by accident posted a post with this title and format. Sorry!

Last night I stayed at home, which is not entirely surprising since I do that a lot. I stayed home alone though, which is not something I normally do.

I was really scared to do it because I have fear and anxiety staying the night alone, but I did it and it wasn’t even that bad. I didn’t stay up for hours in anxiety or fear this time, but it was good.

I skyped with my mom for hours, and then I watched some videos and fell asleep, slept in really late (which was phenomenal). I didn’t have the yummiest or coolest dinner, but I was able to eat as early as I wanted. The kitchen was clean by 8, I had eaten by 6, and all in all it wasn’t half bad.

I enjoyed myself more than I would. It was nice to have some space and quiet time. I was able to sit on the couch and watch netflix. I didn’t worry about the correct time for dinner, I just ate it when I wanted. I went to sleep when I wanted.

It was nice. Definitely not an every day kind of thing. But it was a nice refreshing getting to know me again thing.

I didn’t like  to do things alone.

But the other day I ate alone. The day before that I walked outside alone. I can do things alone, I am not a hermit. I just don’t like to do them.

But I did like it. I liked not being rushed to decide what I wanted, I liked listening to an audio book as I walked around outside.

I found I did like it. Today I am alone, and while it is scary as hell, I like it. I like the silence, I like writing this blog post, I like it.

I don’t want to be alone all the time. But I do want to do more things alone. Because it always felt that I couldn’t, but I want to know I can do things alone, so that it becomes a choice to do things alone.

It shouldn’t be I don’t do things alone out of fear, it should be out of a choice. I want to know I would be alright to do it alone, but that I don’t because I don’t want to.

I can be a horrible person to live with. I am impatient, can be very mean, and am very particular about a lot of things. I know I have made you stress out about things you never would have, didn’t even know could have, and never knew existed. I have that way on some people.

But I never want to corrupt you, the very you of youness. I want you always to stay quirky, and funny, and making jokes when I’m angry (even when they are not funny and when they make me scowl, because I’m trying to learn to be less angry and more funny). I want you to always take things relaxingly, to not make a big deal of things, to go with the flow.

This isn’t to say don’t tell me when you’re going to do the laundry, because I want to know, believe me I do. But I don’t want my craziness to make you crazy too. Because I like that you’re not crazy. Believe it or not, you balance out a bit of the crazy inside me. And I need that in you.

I need the grounding, the jokes, the very essence of you that seems different from me. I need you to challenge me, to teach me about things I don’t want to, to help me be patient. I need that bit of you.

I can’t tell you I’ll change, although I think I’ve come a long way. But I can tell you I am trying to be less crazy, less stressing to myself, and more happy. That’s what this whole blog is about. It’s destressing to write it. I can always promise I’ll try. Try to be nicer, try to worry less about the laundry every time I see a sock in our laundry bin because you know I hate it.

Dear partner person. While you have flaws and things that drive me up the walls, you are you. And I never would be in a relationship with you, if I didn’t like you.

I recently read an article that resonated with me because it seemed to describe me to a T.

These are my reactions to this article.

1.  I am a high strung, kind of intense, a bit scary, and impatient person. I do have flaws, I know of them (some of them) and they are big and make me a very sweet person who can instantly turn into a raging monster.
2. I have always thought, yes I am being efficient,not impatient. It’s something I’ve thought since I was a child. But it’s not only that. Patience is also about respect, not just time and efficiency. Does that sound older and wiser to you? I hope so because to me it sounds like a monumental break through. Patience is about respecting someone’s opinions, flaws, limitations. It’s about letting that person speak, even if they speak slowly. It’s about respecting their flaws in that they have five thousand pockets in their bag and can’t find the one thing they have to give to you. It’s also about being in the now. This is the moment, there is no other, expecting the next does not actually make it go any faster (although time travel is a thing, right?).
3. I really do hate being late. When I am alone I am always early. In fact for class I am usually 30 minutes early. I like it, I can be there, sit on the floor, relax, and read a book. Being early makes me happy. It also makes me only marginally late when I get stuck on a train and they won’t let us leave the train for half and hour and I am still only five minutes late. Earliness is good and it wins. But when I am with others, I cannot always be early, or on time. It bothers me, but it’s inevitable. I can’t make everyone move, or make them be on time (although I wish I could sometimes). And I need to accept it.
4. I do live by to do lists. My life is to do lists. I have to do lists for every day, for books I want to read, for blog posts I want to write. Lists. My life is a list. This is a list. Meta list within a list.
5. I am very goal oriented. I like goals. That’s why I have lists, because they are a list of goals I want to achieve. I want to have achieve a blog post every M, W, F and to achieve that goal I need a list. To me, these things are one in the same.
6. It is very hard for me to relax. I am a very anxious person, and there are always thoughts in my head. I carry around a little notebook so I can write down the fragments that pop up. But there are moments when I can relax: right after I finished a goal, when I read at night time, when I’m early to places, sometimes when I do the dishes, with friends wine and food.
7. I get stressed out like it’s nobody’s business. My life is a series of stress and anxiety sometimes. I have anxious habits out the wazoo.
8. I am emotional when my goals don’t get met, when I don’t know what I’m going to eat, or when the laundry will get done (I am a miserable person to live with when this happens because I oscillate between tears and anger and passive aggressiveness) but I also, when the system works, means that the house is tidy (in my own chaotic way). So I’m not all bad I suppose. I want things to work out the way I planned it, when it doesn’t, I get upset. I’m not one of those chill, move with the flow type of person. My partner is, and it’s a beautiful thing to see, but sometimes I wonder if my neuroticism is wearing off and corrupting that. Partner person, don’t ever change that about you. So I’m trying to be a slightly zen type of neurotic person.
9. I constantly ruminate over things, what to do, to make to do lists in my head. There are always thoughts, thoughts of what to do next, what I’m not doing. etc.
10. I can be very competitive and a very sore loser. It is the way that is.
11. Other notes: I really like and need my sleep. I become a very angry mountain wild feral bear when I am sleepy.

The End.