This is also something I read from Dear Sugar. I will quote the problem below in a much clipped version.
I’ve always considered them to be my ‘role model couple’…I asked her what the ‘secret to marriage’ was, and during our conversation about it she revealed things that surprised and upset me. She said while it’s true she and my brother-in-law are happy to be married to each other, there were several times over the years she doubted they’d make it…that both she and my brother-in-law have cheated on each other
She and her fiance felt that infidelity was an automatic deal breaker and wondered if she should share her marriage with them still (walking her down the aisle). The writer asked Sugar what the secret to a good marriage was, seeing Sugar’s marriage as perfect. Sugar related her own experience where she found out Mr. Sugar was cheating on her and how they dealt with.
Marriage is indeed this horribly complex thing for which you appear to be ill prepared…that’s okay. a lot of people are…a perfect couple is a wholly private thing…it’s only defining quality is that it’s composed of two people who feel perfectly right about sharing their lives with each other, even during the hard times…if you really want to live happily ever after, it you honestly want to know what the secret to sustaining a lifelong ‘healthy love’ is, it would be a good idea to openly grapple with some of the most common challenges of doing so, rather than pretending that you have the power to shut them down by making advance threats about walking out, ‘no conversation required,’ the moment a transgression occurs…people get mucked up in it [life] from time to time. even the people we marry. even us. you don’t know what it is you’ll get mucked up in yet, but if you’re lucky, and if you and your fiance really are right for each other…you’re probably going to get mucked up in a few things along the way…the woman who sent him the postcard pushed us down a path where we made ourselves ready, not to be a perfect couple, but to be a couple who knows how to have a duel when a duel needs to be had…not perfection, but real love. not what you imagine, but what you’d never dream
This was something that captivated me. I think it is because I took back someone who did cheat and it didn’t work. Did I regret doing so? No. I believed they could change and they did too, I think. It’s okay they didn’t, some people cannot change or need a lot of time and motivation. But I stayed to try to make it work because I felt that they were worth making it work, that our love deserved another chance. It didn’t work out in the end. And it was hard, it made me jealous and suspicious, it made him secretive. Our relationship didn’t fail because he cheated and lied and betrayed me, it didn’t work because we were not right for each other on a fundamental level.
Would I do it again? I would. Because I believe that people do make horrible mistakes. Betrayal is hard to deal with and a breach of trust is even harder. What is the key afterwards is open conversation and patience from both sides. I have dealt with a lot of harbored resentment, that I am getting over finally, yay, so I get that, trying to get over something you don’t even realize is there, and once you do it seems like the worst thing and you don’t know how to come out of it. But you do. We all make mistakes and we are all human. Cheating isn’t necessarily born out of a desire to deliberately hurt, it is a mistake and can happen for a lot of reasons. Open communication is key, knowing when to open up issues and talk about them. I have read so many stories about it. I know that dealing with cheating is hard and it can not work, not cannot, but it can just not work. But I believe with the right person, two people who love each other and are willing to try to make it work, it’s worth it. I know not everyone believes in the same as me, and that’s okay. This is just how I feel. I’ve been in situations where I’ve said deal breakers and drawn lines and I’ve crossed them or stood by them. What I’ve learned is that with the right person and with dedication and communication, these things can be a lot less harsh. It’s about the individuals, their ability to change, to work out their issues, to dedicate themselves.