I was recently reminded of how even just a generation above me how different things are for women, in terms of domestic work. How much they are expected by society to perform, how isolating, and how much little gratitude and respect.
TO BE CLEAR, I am not talking about anyone in particular, I am just speaking from experience, and also things I have heard from my friends. ALSO I should say that this is not at all solved nor is not the case for today.
I shall present two examples, one from my generation, and one from a previous one.
Previous one: A couple where the female was expected, through comments and experience, to clean up after meals and to prepare beforehand. After the meal, no help was offered, and none asked. Everyone knew their roles. The man had his work, whatever that means, and the woman her her work (both in the sense of housework and in her lesser important work she found important).
My generation (and from me): I was cooking a meal for myself and others and no one offered to help me, even though I would have liked company. I was very upset by this, and when I voiced this, it was met with something along the lines of well the meal you were cooking was quite simple and didn’t need help, but if you wanted help you could have asked. To which I was upset, because their lack of help (which would have happened if the meal was ‘more complicated’) was based on their judgement of the easiness of the meal. Something I thought it irrelevant. The meal was meant for not just me and even just an offer would have been appreciated. But it also speaks to something I have seen and experienced. That, often, men decide that their time is worth more. They leave us waiting at the table for them to find a space in their time they can break, or just put whatever they are doing down, while we, wait. Waiting. Something I hate. There’s a difference between once in a while needing time to make a break, then a systematic difference.
And I should, at this moment, take a moment to make that distinction. I am not speaking about isolated incidents, I am speaking about systemic incidents, subconscious events, things we don’t even realize we are doing, because those are the ones we are so used to doing. These events are the dangerous ones because they are so ingrained in us, that we confronted we often say “I didn’t know I was doing it”. I am not blaming or pointing fingers. I am asking for a little self interrogation, some quiet moments spent in reflection, where you look at your parents, the media, your friends, and you think critically and, trying to be, objectively. (Because I always find I have to put out these disclaimers, so that some people don’t immediately become enraged and persecute me [which may sound ridiculous to you, but it would surprise you how much time in my life goes into making my words as logical and objective sounding so that some people’s feelings are not instantly enraged, and how often that fails].
Who makes the meals in your home? Who cleans up after them or after the space in general? Who becomes the most invested in the cleanliness? And why does(not) the other person(s) help?
Just think about it. I know my opinions, but perhaps you didn’t even realize your own.
But this echoes so many conversations I have had with my friends, about themselves, their mothers, about their values of time as opposed to their significant other.And conversations I have had with people about the value of their time versus mine. So many. So so many. Because, my time is worth something god damn it! Excuse my language, but I want to scream that from the roof top. Because my friend’s time is worth something. Because everyone’s time is worth something.
You may be asking, well what do we do after this?
I cannot give tailored advice, but I can say, perhaps, try to pitch in occasionally or just a simple gratitude can change the course. Because that, often for me, is all I want.
Just a simple: I acknowledge what you are doing, that you are using your time, and I appreciate it. I see you. I see what you are doing. I want to say thank you.