Being a very goal oriented person is very good for doing tasks and being efficient. Yet it seems to me that there is a growing pressure on people to be motivated and do things (find a job, be happy, etc). There are tons of inspirational quotes and videos on how to be motivated/stay motivated and accomplish your goals. I was even thinking about making a life map to outline my goals and how I could get there.
Which would be great if I knew what they were. Because I don’t, I felt really lazy and ashamed. I wanted to be motivated and I wanted to ‘find my goal’ but it wasn’t happening. Every morning I would wake up and think I want to change my life, to be the best me, and to achieve my goals every day. But I don’t know what my goals were. When trying to think of the goals I couldn’t come up with any that were long term, such as landing my dream job at this company or my dream profession. There were ones I had for the next months and what not: learning German, writing and researching my thesis. But no broader life goals.
But I can’t push it. I cannot push myself to have these goals and realize them, because I can’t be somewhere I am not. I am not at the point in the my life where I know what those goals even are and no matter how many motivational videos I watch or quotes I read, there are just times when it won’t happen.
It won’t happen because I haven’t had the experience where I find my calling, or the life experience, or the job experience. There is a beauty in taking time and growing at your own pace that is not respected or valued. I am to blame as well for trying to inorganically push myself to a state where I cannot be.
There needs to be moments where I am lost and think, what now, or moments where I have no clue. These are important to the growth process as well. In these moments of stillness do we get a sense of who we are too. They are productive as well, even for their lack of productivity. What makes you happy at the end of the day when you have time? They do serve a purpose.
And even if they don’t, that should be okay too. I am guilty of pushing myself all the time, but I want to relax, and be in the moment. The moment now where I don’t know what I want to do, and while it is uncertain and anxious, it’s where I am.