More Time

Because of a lot of things, I have had a lot of time alone. The classes I have had are meeting at different times and sporadically, making me have the most free time while being in school I probably have ever had. I still have work and reading to do, but these things are usually mobile, and reading, despite having maybe four books to read at the same time, doesn’t take too long for me.

So I have had a lot of time recently alone. I know at one day maybe I’ll embrace it and decide to go out and explore alone, but it’s not really what I had in mind or signed up for. I know this is just another of those things where what I expected and what is happening doesn’t match up.

But it’s okay to have an adjustment period and to realize these expectations. I never expected to spend all my time not alone, but I did think that my life here would be quite different. A lot of the time I feel quite sad or angry or resentful wondering where the image of my life has gone. I feel, maybe rightly so or not, that I have given up a lot to have this life I do now. Sometimes I feel so indignant and disillusioned. I know I should feel more positive in general, but it feels just so stark, so different to what I had in mind. Because even if what I thought was only ever an ideal that never would have happened, it was what I thought, wrong as it may be.

I sort of expect people to respond to this with a kind of, well what did you expect feeling. But I know this won’t be the last time my expectations won’t match up to what I thought. I suppose the best solution you can do now is just to work with it and move on.

Sometimes I feel more positive than I do today, and others, like today, I don’t. But that’s all about the process of moving forward and onward.

Maybe some donuts would help.