For the last semester and maybe since I’ve been here I have gotten this feeling of drifting, purposelessness. The things I used to do which I felt gave my life meaning changed and disappeared. It was really challenging for me to accept and I spent a lot of time just trying to adjust and figure out what my purpose, future was.
I wish I could say I accomplished it. But I didn’t.
If anything, what I did is finally recognize why I have been so unhappy sometimes. I used to feel like my life was moving towards something, making concrete change, doing something larger than myself. With activism I felt like all the time and hardship and tears were moving towards something and making concrete changes. I felt so stimulated, was learning so much, and had filled my life to the brim with everything. I had a full plate and needed more time than I had. Maybe I am experiencing some sense of burn out, and this is much needed rest, but I am done with that. I’m done with this underlying feeling of not knowing and not feeling like I’m moving. I want to move. I want to go forwards. And being taken away from that was really destabilizing to my core sense of self.
Now that I have recognized this, I can start to try to correct it and find avenues for rediscovery. It’s really hard and I still feel like maybe I used to feel happier in that sense, where I knew things about myself. And now I don’t. I sometimes find myself wondering, who am I, what am I doing?
But maybe that’s the new challenge I have. Now that everything has changed, what do I do with it? With the opportunity to start, where do I begin?
It’s hard and it’s totally overwhelming and terrifying. But I have to start somewhere I suppose.